If I were a woman and if I ever wanted a pervert to violate me by taking upskirt photos of my goods while I scoped out some fabric softener sheets at Target, I would hope that the pervert looked a lot like Pierce Brosnan. Hell, Seth Rogen snapping shots of my granny panties would be flattering compared to this evolutionary masterpiece.
But as the ugly story goes, Sherwood, Oregon police officers arrested 22-year-old Matthew Navaie on Wednesday night after Target security cameras caught him trespassing on innocent ladies’ no-no zones. (Check out the surveillance video here.)
Take a good look at him, and it’s clear that the only thing he’s ever getting near a woman’s crotch is his cell phone camera.
The above photo is a shot from a fatal crash scene, where 17-year-old Natia Gorgen drifted into oncoming traffic and was hit by a tractor-trailer Tuesday. Gorgen would have been a senior at Poughkeepsie High School this fall.
Natia was a member of the National Honor Society. A varsity swimmer on her high school’s squad. A member of the crew team.
But thanks to the halfwit photographers at the Poughkeepsie Journal, a talented young gal about to enter college will be remembered alongside a bunch of floozies who always claim they’re “saving up for college.”
The actual 1/4 page print ad that ran in the local Oklahoma newspaper. The gist of the copy reads: "DO NOT VOTE FOR MY DAD! JOHN MANTOOTH is NOT a good father, NOT a good grandfather & in my opinion, a review of his 37 year record as an attorney in Cleveland, Garvin and McClain Counties reveals that HE WOULD NOT BE A GOOD JUDGE! For more information, go to www.dontvoteformydad.com." Ouch.
Typically when you’re running for public office, the kitchen sink attack ads come from your soulless opponent. You’ve seen ‘em before. “Don’t vote for this guy, or your family will die in a nuclear holocaust.” Or the more racy, “Don’t vote for this guy – he’s into gay hookers and meth.”
But then there’s the ad that your spiteful daughter runs in your local newspaper where you’re running for judge, “Don’t vote for my dad because he sucks at life.”
Well, that about sums up what McClain County judicial hopeful John Mantooth’s daughter and son-in-law said in a quarter-page advertisement. The venomous piece also features a picture of the daughter’s family, highlights cases in which Mantooth has been sued and lists a website the couple started to put the screws in even deeper, dontvoteformydad.com.
Mantooth is defending himself, though, saying that the daughter’s grudge stems from the 1981 divorce between him and the girl’s mother.
Sorry, chief, but it’s been 29 years and your offspring still haven’t forgiven you? You must be a humongous asshole.
Former actress and current train wreck, Lindsay Lohan is learning the hard way that the role of “convict” is lot tougher to play than a kid at camp in “Parent Trap.”
Lohan, who was sentenced to mild time in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, California on Tuesday was treated like a common, well, criminal. According to reports, she burst into tears after prison wardens ripped out her hair extensions and forced her to remove her false eyelashes.
As one of the prison guards put it: “She was a broken woman. But she won’t get any sympathy here — this is jail.”
By jail, do you mean no private trailer with free bagels?
By jail, do you mean no slutty nights out with Paris and Britney?
By jail to you mean no red carpets and autograph seekers?
Say it ain’t so, copper. Stars aren’t treated this way. Even drunk driving, parole violating stars.
Just ask Charlie Sheen.
But, for the next few months, life is going to be on the sucky side for Ms. Lohan, as she tries to deal with bad wardrobe, terrible craft services, and one lousy role — license plate maker.
Hugh Hefner and the boys at Playboy have announced the launching of a new Playboy website that has everything you want — except nekkid hotties.
Yes, the folks who introduced every red-blooded American perv to the female anatomy, is taking away pictures of wannabe models and porn stars shimmering in oil and replacing them with words.
Don’t we already have a website like that? I think it’s called CNN.
Anyway, it seems the gang at Playboy wants to give us a site that is safe for the workplace. What they fail to realize is we’re pretty good at hiding raunchy, compnay-handbook-breaking stuff like that now. We’ve had years of experience. We know how to open an extra tab with a spread sheet on it. We know how to hit “Clear History.” We know how to say, “Yeah, I must have mis-typed dowjones.com.”
We have adapted, Hugh. So give us back the the nudity and the freaky sexual positions. We can’t work without it.
When Sandy Burdick went to make an online appointment to get her iPhone fixed, she encountered a roadblock — her last name.
Apparently, “Burdick” was flagged as “inappropriate” and as a result, Sandy’s appointment was not approved. When she tried to call Apple to have them set the appointment, she was denied again, because the name “Burdick” kept getting bounced on their end as well.
Sucks to have a PG-13 last name.
Seriously, Apple? The owner of your company is one half of “Blow Jobs,” Burdick is nothing
Don’t you think if some pranksters were trying to pull one over on you they would have come up with something slightly more creative and offensive?
For future reference, “Burdick” is real, these are probably not:
A. Nell Soars
A. Nellsex
A.S. Muncher
Adolf Oliver Nipple
Amanda Faulk
Amanda Huginkiss
Amanda Hump
Amanda Lick
Amanda Mount
Anita Beejay
Anita Dick
Anita Dickinme
Anita Hanjaab
Anita Hardcock
Anita Hardcok
Anita Head
Anita Hoare
Anita Hummer
Anita Mandelay
Anita Naylor
Anita Pussy
Anita Woody
Anita Wyderbox
Annie Position
Anya Neeze
Barry McCociner
Ben Derhover
Ben Dover
Ben N. Syder
Betty Bangzer
Betty Drilzzer
Betty Humpter
Betty Phuckzer
Bruce D. Cocque
Buck Nekkid
Buster Cherry
Buster Himen
Buster Hyman
C. Mike Rack
Cantsia Weiner
Chris P. Nutts
Claude Balls
Clee Torres
Clint Torres
Cole Ostamie
Colin Forsecs
Connie Lingus
Cox Ucker
Craven Moorehead
Curley Pubes
Daisy May Blow
Dang Lin-Wang
Daryl B. Payne
Dick Handler
Dick Long
Dick Myaz
Dick Pound
Dick Ramdass
Dill Doe
Dixie Normous
Dixie Normus
Dixie Rect
Dixon B. Tweenerlegs
Dixon Butts
Dixon Kuntz
Don Keedix
Doug McCockin
Drew Peacock
E. Jack Ulate
E. Jack Ulayte
E. Norma Scock
E. Norma Stits
E. Normous Peter
E. Rex Sean
Eaton Beaver
Edith McCrotch
Eileen Ulick
Elaine R. Over
Enorma Skank
Eric Shun
Eric Ted Long
Erin Gobraless
Fawn Dillmiballs
Fonda Cox
Fonda Dix
Fonda Peters
Freida Brest
Fudd G. Packer
Gay Barr
Gerald Fitzpatrick
Giv M. Head
Hans Omaicok
Harry A. Nuis
Harry Asscrack
Harry Azcrac
Harry Ballsack
Harry Ballsonya
Harry Balsonya
Harry Balzac
Harry Balzitch
Harry Beaver
Harry Cox
Harry Dix
Harry Dong
Harry Johnson
Harry Kuntz
Harry Nutt
Harry P. Ness
Harry Paratesties
Harry Peters
Harry Reams
Harry S. Balsak
Harry S. Houle
Harry Sach
Harry Sax
Harry Scrote
Harry Setatesties
Harry Weiner
Haywood Jablomi
Haywood Jablowme
Helda Coccen-Mihan
Helda Cockinmihand
Helda Dick
Helen Back
Helen Bed
Herb Utsmells
Herbie Versmels
Holden A. Pare
Holden McGroin
Homer Sexual
Houg Gebreasts
Howie Feltersnatch
Hugh G. Buttnoogie
Hugh G. Dildeaux
Hugh G. Rection
Hugh Gass
Hugh Gass Kisser
Hugh Gebrests
Hugh Janus
Hugh Jardon
Hugh Jewnitt
Hugh Jorgin
Hugh Junit
Humphrey Willy
I. Sal Balls
I.C. Wienies
I.C. Wieners
I. Yankit
I.C Yadick
Iama Hore
Ida Fucder
Ilova Gudfach
Ilova Gufach
Ima Butmunsch
Ima Buttmunch
Ima Frute
Ima Hoare
Ima Homeau
Ima Homo
Ima Horndawg
Ima Horndog
Ima P. Ness
Ima Rapist
Ima Reeli Cumming
Ima Reilly Cumming
Iona Glasscock
Iona Peyhole
Issac Cox
Issac Dick
Iva Biggin
Ivana Fuccu
Ivana Fucku
Ivana Gifa Laccio
Ivana Hafsechs
Ivana Havesex
Ivana Shroomslap
Ivanna B. Spanked
Ivanna Humpalot
Ivanna Semour Butts
Ivanna Tinkle
Jack Inoff
Jack Knauf
Jack Meoff
Jack Schitt
Jack Soffalot
Jed I. P. Impe
Jen Italworts
Jenny Tayla
Jenny Taylia
Jenny Tull Warts
Jenny Tulworts
Jew C. Tuatt
Jocelyn Cocque
John Arhea
Joy Ryde-Myaz
Justin DeFront
Justin Heranus
Justin Heras
Justin Herass
Justin Hermouf
Justin Hermouth
Justin Yermouth
Kareem M. Pants
Kari Mysac
Kimmy Hed
Lar G. Rection
Layla Konswallow
Liz Bien
Lou C. Twatt
Lou Sanus
Lou Sass
Lou Skunt
Lou Stools
Lou Swimmin
Lucy Bowels
Madam Dick Burns
Madam Dick Itches
Madame Dick Burns
Manny Kanblo
Master Bates
Mat Sterbator
Maud R. Fokker
Max E. Pad
Mel Ester
Mia Buttreeks
Mike Hunt
Mike Littisore
Mike Oxard
Mike Oxhard
Mike Oxlittle
Mike Oxsbig
Mike Rotch
Mike Rotchburns
Miles Long
Minnie Pad
Mister Hyman
Mister Period
Moe Lester
Mona Lott
Monica Blewbillski
Mr. Bation
Mr. Completely
Mrs. Hiscock
Neil Anblomi
Neil Down
Neil Enbob
Neil Enlick
Neil Ensuck
Neil Gaiman
Neil Inlick
Neil Zineatser
Nida Pee
Niel Anblowme
Noe Schitt-Sherlock
O. Howie Dickter
Ol’ Dirty Bastard
Oliver Closeoff
Oliver Clozov
Ophelia Cox
Ophelia Cuming
Ophelia Nutz
Ophillia Balls
Otto B. Astripper
P Hole
P. Enis Meany
P. Nisenvi
P. Nisevny
Pat Herboub
Pat Hiscock
Pat Maweini
Pat McGroin
Pat Myaz
Patrick Fitzgerald
Pete O’File
Peter Beter
Peter Dragon
Peter Fitzinwell
Peter Insidya
Peter Usedenuf
Phil Accio
Phil C. Rottencrotch
Phil McAvity
Phil McCrackin
Phil McCreviss
Phil Mianus
Philis Ardon
Phillip A. Butt
Phillip Herpanties
Phillip McCrack
Phillip Mipanties
Phillip Oliver Holz
Phillip Oliver Krevises
Phillip Purass
Pussy Galore
Randy Peter
Ray Pugh
Rhoda Duck
Rhoda Hotte
Rocco Z. Caulk
Ron Chee
Rosie Palm
Ross Crodum
Sal T. Rection
Sawyer Crack
Scott Hiscock
Semour Asscrack
Semour Cumming
Seymor Snatch
Shara Dick
Sharon Cox
Sharon Head
Sharon Peters
Shea Verpussi
Stacy Rect
Stella Virgin
Stikit Inya
Stu Pidass
Tal E. Whacker
Tara Dickoff
Tara Himen
Tara Holenme
Tara McClosoff
Tara Nupsumass
Tara Scrodum
Wang Phat
Watson Herbusch
Wayne Kerr
Will Liciipanti
Willie B. Hardigan
Willie Dicker
Willie Eatmeout
Willie Fisterbottom
Willie Focker
Willie Layer
Wilma Dickfit
Wilma Fingerdoo
Wilma Handue
Yandeeda Horgasm
Over the past three years, Radivoke Lajic’s house has been hit by a meteor six different times. And he thinks he knows why — aliens from outer space are pissed at him.
“I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials,” said the 50-year-old Bosnian. “I don’t know what I’ve done to annoy them.”
Apparently, he short changed the big eyed creatures at Halloween or told them to get the hell off his lawn. Because (according to Lajic), he’s still getting the Martian version of a house egging.
Listen, sir. If you really, truly annoyed the aliens, they wouldn’t throw pebbles at you, they’d toss fucking Venus in your yard. Or they’d blast you with some crazy laser. Or they’d hover over your house for all eternity, making you crap your knickers every time you walked outside. Haven’t you ever watched “V”?
These folks have got much more better weapons than slingshots and cosmic gravel.
So, Rad, take your paranoia meds, lock yourself in your house and turn the SyFy Channel back on.
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Former actress and current train wreck, 
Over the past three years, Radivoke Lajic’s house has been hit by a meteor six different times. And he thinks he knows why — 
Some churchgoers eat a eucharist. Some drink wine. But this? This is a bit much to ask.
