Every once in a while, a story so ironic comes along that it’s just too unbelievable to be unbelievable.
Enter Oran Canfield, a 35-year-old recovering junkie who was abandoned by his father as a baby, neglected by his mother and is now the drummer of an angry psycho-rock band named Child Abuse—whose slit-your-wrist chart-bottomers include songs like “Wrong Hole” and “I Hate Me.” Oran is one month’s savings away from the soup kitchen, and tours with Child Abuse in an old-ass van that breaks down daily and whose heating system doesn’t work.
Apparently, the damage done to Oran by his daddy skipping town was pretty severe. But to be fair, the old man had some pretty important stuff to do. Like writing the feel-good, sappy self-help books in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. That’s right, Oran’s father, Jack Canfield is the author of the fantastically popular books that made an entire generation of stay-at-home moms feel good about being shut-ins.
Well here’ some flowery, self-help advice for you, Jack: abandoning your pregnant wife and one-year-old son is a pretty shitty thing to do. Judging by the names of Child Abuse’s songs, it’s safe to say that your son is about to lose his noodles.
Sucks to be you, Oran Canfield. If only there were a series of books which could comfort you and heal your soul.
The student union at Cambridge University’s Newnham College e-mailed the school’s 400 undergraduate students, asking them to be quieter during sexual encounters.
The student union said it sent the e-mail to all undergrads Tuesday after receiving 30 complaints about late-night “oohs” and “aahs” and “will you respect me in the mornings” in the residence halls.
“It’s just so embarrassing to think that people have been listening in. I was blushing when I got the email,” a 20-year-old student said. “You try to keep it down, but it’s easy to forget the walls are so thin if you get a bit carried away.”
Sucks to zip it up when the zippers are down.
When asked if they would abide by the ordinance for quieter rubbing of the uglies, the response was an overwhelming yes… Yes! YES! YES! YEEESSSS!!!
"I won't pay for anything." Oh yes, you will, Roger. Oh yes, you will.
“You are going to die and go to hell,” is what Roger Mayes yelled to the gas station clerk in a fit of rage before he drove his piece of shit 2001 Ford Explorer into the BP gas station that had the audacity to have a pre-pay policy for their fuel.
Roger, my friend, it sucks to be wound up like a 49-year-old virgin. Of all things in life that could flip someone’s psycho switch, yours was the mere thought of having to swipe your debit card to fill up your tank?
Not all the times you asked for ketchup for your FatAss Fries at the Mickey D’s drive thru and got one lousy packet? Not when you realized how badly damaged you were as a man because your dad called you a Nancy as a boy? Not watching the nightly news stories about the hurricane of unemployment and the tornado that destroyed your cousin’s trailer park?
Well, instead of just paying for your damn petro, you had to be subdued with a stun gun and you’re facing charges of attempted murder for nearly turning the gas station clerk into an oil stain (watch video here).
Not because it’s jam packed with crazy heroin addicts, Tourette-stricken homeless people, and, well, New Yorkers. It seems there is also a real live coyote on the loose.
And it’s not the fun kind of coyote that drops anvils on its own head and blows itself up with wheelbarrows full of Amce dynamite. This coyote is armed with sharp claws, big-ass teeth and a wicked case of the rabies. And he’s looking for some housewife from Brooklyn to take out for dinner, if you know what we mean.
Sucks to be surrounded by nature.
As one might imagine, the furry little visitor has brought the terror level in NYC to an all-time high. So much so that Rudy Giuliani is ready to come out of hiding and make a speech.
To make matters worse, officials can’t seem to capture the four-legged Osama no matter how hard they try.
Our advice? Get one of those watch vendors to track the thing down. Nobody can get away from them.
If you think it’s difficult paying for college in the states, try enrolling in New Zealand.
It’s gotten so bad, that one co-ed-to-be has taken to Internet prostitution to pay for school. As the ‘rents always said, “If your brains can’t get you into college, use your vajayjay.”
The 19-year-old girl, who only goes by Unigirl, is auctioning off her cooter to the highest bidder. And when the bell sounded, Unigirl and her Unipie raked in a whopping $32,000.
$32,000? That’s it? Big fatsos whose only skill is putting on a helmet get more than that. And in this day and age, that romp in the hay with Mr. Oldfart isn’t going to get you much past the hazing at the Delta Pi sorority.
College is expensive. And once you get there, they guys aren’t going to shell out $32K to get inside your pants. The going rate on campus is a couple of dirty martinis and the promise to call you in the morning.
So if you want to get the full four-year college experience, put a few more ads on the Internet or take out a student loan. Either way, you’re getting screwed.
We all know that smoking cigarettes has its health risks. Just ask the dude standing outside the restaurant in the rain alternating drags from his Marlboros and his oxygen tank. If the cancer doesn’t get him, the pneumonia certainly will.
But in Indonesia, cigarettes don’t just kill you slowly from the inside, they go Ayman Al-Zawahiri on you.
Just ask Andi Susanto, a pack-a-day puffer, who took a drag of his menthol and experienced an explosion not seen since Kanye played celebrity judge at the VMAs.
That’s right, Susanto’s butt was spiked with tiny little bombs.
Sucks to have the Surgeon General only warn you about cancer, emphysema and birth defects.
Susanto told reporters he had never experienced any problems with his habit before. He also said that he would quit smoking after the incident.
Yeah, it’s pretty hard to put a cig between your lips when your lips are scattered all over Jakarta.
$1.99 for a small. Unless you count the truck repair, the home demolition and the lawsuit. And then it comes to about $4,438,993.99
When trucker Eric Gremm ordered a small Wendy’s chili to go, he figured he was probably in for a little indigestion and some in-cabin methane poisoning. But he never thought the meal would make him crash his rig into some unlucky bastard’s house.
But, that is precisely what happened.
As the story goes, Eric was slurping down his spicy bowl of goodness while driving through Lowell, Massachusetts. Mr. Gremm claims the food went “down the wrong pipe” causing him to get lightheaded and pass out.
The rest of the story, as the they say, is history. Mr. Gremm’s rig took out a house, knocking it completely off of its foundation. He also destroyed an uneaten Biggie Fries and large Frosty, both of which succombed to the impact, and went flying to the floor.
When asked to comment, Mr. Gremm could only say, “Damn I’m hungry. I wish I woulda crashed into a McDonald’s or something.”
Mr. Gremm could face charges of reckless operation and assault with a deadly value meal.
Text messages like this, while a real time-saver, are now a memory of the past in China.
Not long ago, the hyper-paranoid and oppressive Commie government of China banned citizens’ access to Facebook and YouTube. Then last year it shut down over 15,000 pornographic websites. And now, it’s going to block vulgar text messages from being sent between mobile phone users.
It sucks a schlong to have absolutely no inspirational material for Slappy Hour.
But amidst all the cancer-causing smog there is a glimmer of hope, our sexually-repressed short Asian friends. You see, your government will never take away your hands because you need them to work 140-hour weeks making lethal dog food and lead-covered children’s toys for Americans. So grab the Jergen’s lotion, draw the blinds, let your imagination go hog-wild and enjoy yourself. Just make sure your phone is off.
It’s sure sucky to have to pay for your friends by being in a fraternity. It’s whole new level of suckiness, though, when those friends burn giant things on your buttcheeks while you’re unconscious after they got you drunk. Because those guys obviously want to be something more than just buddies. You might want to find another frat, Amon Carter. Or scratch that, another way of making friends other than doing kegstands.
For the 100-year-old Harriet Richardson Ames, getting a college degree was a lifelong dream. And last Friday, she achieved that goal when she got the sheepskin from Keene State College in New Hampshire.
The next day? She croaked.
Sucks to be you, Harriet. Now you can’t go through the wonder of sending out a gazillion resumes and putting on a happy face at a bajillion interviews with people who have no intention of hiring you. You can’t enjoy the sheer pleasure of fighting it out with a gaggle of other college grads for that one job that actually exists in this, The Great Recession.
Yeah, Harriet. Too bad you can’t take that college degree and put it to good use for McDonald’s, like so many of you classmates will be doing. That minimum wage income woulda come in real handy when you try to make the rent payment to your ‘rents for living in their basement til you found a real job.
It totally sucks that you had to go and get work with the big guy. You would’ve looked great with all those TGI Friday’s badges.
Every once in a while, a story so ironic comes along that it’s just too unbelievable to be unbelievable.
Loading ...
The student union at Cambridge University’s Newnham College e-mailed the school’s 400 undergraduate students, asking them to be 
News flash: Central Park is dangerous.
If you think it’s difficult paying for college in the states, try enrolling in New Zealand.
We all know that smoking cigarettes has its health risks. Just ask the dude standing outside the restaurant in the rain alternating drags from his Marlboros and his oxygen tank. If the cancer doesn’t get him, the pneumonia certainly will.
For the 100-year-old 
