Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

SUCKS TO BE attacked by a hawk while you’re trying to deliver the mail

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

cgy-hawkIt’s bad enough that you have to lug a heavy bag of worthless direct mail and catalogs that nobody reads, but when you’ve got angry birds swopping down on you while you’re doing it, then it really sucks.

That’s what the mail carriers in Calgary, Canada are dealing with as of late. Seems that the agitated birds of prey are trying get to the mailmen before the neighborhood Rottweilers do.

The air threat has gotten so bad that mail delivery has been suspended. Which means folks in Calgary won’t be getting their  weekly issues of People, their low rate credit card applications, or that discreetly wrapped, unmarked package they’ve been desperately waiting for.

Sucks to be without your mail-order blow up bride.

SUCKS TO BE an animal with your head up your ass

Thursday, August 19th, 2010
Or in a metal thingy.

Or in a metal thingy.

Or in a hamster wheel?

Or in a hamster wheel?

Screen shot 2010-08-19 at 11.31.49 PM

Or in a tree.

SUCKS TO BE a frog

Friday, August 6th, 2010

This video has been around awhile. But what the heck, it’s Friday. And on Friday, couldn’t we all use a  little toad love?

SUCKS TO BE Princess Abby, the ugliest dog in the world

Monday, June 28th, 2010

100628_uglydog1When you’re born with a curved spine, a lazy eye and a paw that looks like it was once a chew toy, you probably think that life couldn’t suck any worse. Until, that is, some douchebag human plucks you out of the pound and makes you is own personal carnival freak show.

Meet Princess Abby, a deformed chihuahua who was crowned “The Ugliest Dog in the World” at a contest in Northern California.

The Westminster Dog Show, this wasn’t.

You think it’s bad what we’re doing to the pelicans in the Gulf? Well, at least we’re not pointing fingers and laughing at them.

But hey, oily birds are nothing to laugh at. Canines with birth defects, now THAT’S hilarious.

Sucks to be an insensitive human being.

SUCKS TO BE a dog in sheep’s…er…tiger’s…er…panda’s clothing

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

article-1284646-09EDF72E000005DC-418_634x474article-1284646-09EDF8AD000005DC-731_634x472If you were to pick the coolest being on the planet (other than Johnny Depp, that is) you’d have to say it was the dog. The hound. The pooch.

So when the Chinese got out their paint sets and started making these awesome newspaper chasers look like jungle animals, we had to ask, “WHAT THE FUCK???!!!”

I mean really, if you’re going to mask the identity of a pet, make it a goddamn cat. It might motivate them to do something besides sit on their asses all day and cough up fur.

But dogs?

I mean we might be able to give the Chinese a pass on the whole Tiananmen Square thing, and we might be able to look the other way when they send us lead-filled Shrek cups. But when they start messing with Fido, that’s when we gotta draw the line.

So, China,  do us all a favor and go back to counting the interest we owe you. Just leave Rover alone.

SUCKS TO BE guarded by a Navy seal… and a Navy dolphin

Friday, May 28th, 2010
"What the password?"

"What the password?"

Recruiting at the US Navy outposts must be pretty crappy these day. The armed forces have resorted to using sea creatures to guard their bases.

You heard right. This year, dolphins and sea lions will stand guard tat a submarine base on Hood Canal to detect any underwater swimmers who might approach the premises.

I don’t know about you, but I might feel a tad more comfortable if, say, a guy with a big huge gun was guarding.

I know dolphins are smart and all, but they can’t hold an AK47 for shit. And have you ever seen one throw a grenade? We have two word for that  — Mahi Mahi.

But hey, what other choice have you got? With all the human soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan, you’ve got to make do. And it could have been worse. Watch dogs, we hear, can only tread water for so long.

SUCKS TO BE a moose trapped in a crack

Saturday, April 17th, 2010

24525_1117486393214_1708625510_218473_5379293_n24525_1117486633220_1708625510_218475_6201890_nThe bad thing about being a moose trapped in a crack, is that you can’t call 911 to get some dude in a helicopter with a basket to pull you out. All you can do is hope that one of your buddies comes by to lend you a hand. And even then — no hands — so you’re pretty much a candidate for Fuck My Life.  The moose in question, with his 14 IQ and his obvious inability to jump a 6-inch ravine, just waited until the nature took its course and the vultures arrived. Sucks to be digging your own grave.

SUCKS TO BE partly cloudy with a chance of tadpoles

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!"

In Japan, when it rains, it ribbits.

You see, for the past month or so, the Japanese have been experiencing sudden downpours of tadpoles. Yes little Kermits-to-be have literally been falling from the sky.

It’s the worst animal attack on Japan since Godzilla trampled the Budokan. And it’s freaking the locals out.

Scientists attribute the amphibious  Kamikaze missions to strong winds, storms and water spouts.

Japanese TV weathermen, of course, never saw it coming. They were predicting torrential downpours of salamanders.

SUCKS TO BE taking a 120-mile ride, clinging to the muffler of a car

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
Meee#@$@@!!!&**#@$!!ooowwwww!

Generally speaking it pretty much sucks to be a cat. You’re cute and cuddly for a few nanoseconds. Then you spend the next 15 years pissed at the world because you’re not a Golden Retriever.

What can we say, Fluffy? Life sucks.

But for one Oregon feline, existence was particularly sucky. Not because she couldn’t bark or play fetch, but because she couldn’t open a car door.

It seems the 3-month-old kitten was hanging out in the underbelly of an SUV when the vehicle  took off. For 120 miles, the cat endured 65-mph winds and sub-freezing temps. She dodged  flying pebbles and wayward car parts. She watched in horror as flattened cousin after flattened cousin whizzed by beneath her.

And to think the leather heated seats and the sweet Kenny Chesney tunes were just 6 inches above her head.

We’re happy to report that the cold, wet, emotionally scarred cat was rescued by the driver. As thanks for saving her life, the cat will claw the man’s furniture, leave him fur ball hurl to clean up, and ignore him for the rest of eternity.

SUCKS TO BE a turkey playing chicken in November

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Being a turkey in November is rough. Everywhere you turn, it seems someone wants to lather you in herb butter, pour gravy all over you and take an afternoon nap courtesy of you. So you’d think that every turkey who still has his feathers would have enough survival sense to hide. To wait ’til the Turkey Holocaust is over. To just stay out of the oven.

But not this turkey. He’d rather thumb his snood at fate by playing chicken in traffic and chasing cars in Loudoun County, Virginia. Tom, as sheriff’s deputies have named him, is out to prove that he’s got the biggest caruncles in town.

Unfortunately, Tom, what your bird brain is incapable of realizing is that even chickens end up lathered in herb butter and covered in gravy.

Sucks to be that succulent.