Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

SUCKS TO BE taking a 120-mile ride, clinging to the muffler of a car

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
Meee#@$@@!!!&**#@$!!ooowwwww!

Generally speaking it pretty much sucks to be a cat. You’re cute and cuddly for a few nanoseconds. Then you spend the next 15 years pissed at the world because you’re not a Golden Retriever.

What can we say, Fluffy? Life sucks.

But for one Oregon feline, existence was particularly sucky. Not because she couldn’t bark or play fetch, but because she couldn’t open a car door.

It seems the 3-month-old kitten was hanging out in the underbelly of an SUV when the vehicle  took off. For 120 miles, the cat endured 65-mph winds and sub-freezing temps. She dodged  flying pebbles and wayward car parts. She watched in horror as flattened cousin after flattened cousin whizzed by beneath her.

And to think the leather heated seats and the sweet Kenny Chesney tunes were just 6 inches above her head.

We’re happy to report that the cold, wet, emotionally scarred cat was rescued by the driver. As thanks for saving her life, the cat will claw the man’s furniture, leave him fur ball hurl to clean up, and ignore him for the rest of eternity.

SUCKS TO BE a turkey playing chicken in November

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Being a turkey in November is rough. Everywhere you turn, it seems someone wants to lather you in herb butter, pour gravy all over you and take an afternoon nap courtesy of you. So you’d think that every turkey who still has his feathers would have enough survival sense to hide. To wait ’til the Turkey Holocaust is over. To just stay out of the oven.

But not this turkey. He’d rather thumb his snood at fate by playing chicken in traffic and chasing cars in Loudoun County, Virginia. Tom, as sheriff’s deputies have named him, is out to prove that he’s got the biggest caruncles in town.

Unfortunately, Tom, what your bird brain is incapable of realizing is that even chickens end up lathered in herb butter and covered in gravy.

Sucks to be that succulent.

SUCKS TO BE killed trying to screw a concrete elk

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

Dead concrete elk in foreground. Dead buck in back. Love stinks.

Dead concrete elk in foreground. Dead buck in back. Love stinks.

The deer in WISCONSIN have got to learn to be a little more choosy or a little more observant.  As one buck can attest… if he were still alive, that is.

As the story goes, a horny horned deer in rural Viroqua, WISCONSIN fell in love with a 360-pound cement elk. In his attempts to win over the lawn ornament’s heart, he proceeded to ram it with his head. (I guess deer chicks dig that sort of foreplay.)

Well, the Venus di Milo of The Woodlands didn’t respond. So the buck, figuring she was just playing hard to get, head butted her again. And again. And again. Until he cracked his skull open, collapsed, and died.

Sucks to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you.

The gangland raping of the cement mold  left a trail of heartbreak. Not for the deer population, but for the owners of the property who had to clean up the carnage, haul the cement victim out to curb, and drive from flea market to flea market looking for a replacement pet.

Sucks to have your weekend ruined by a dumbass deer.

SUCKS TO BE Ashley Weaver, dog killer…er…groomer

Friday, August 14th, 2009
Miles, before his visit to the oven.

Miles, before his visit to the oven.

At some point in most people’s lives, sadly, they end up killing an animal. Whether accidentally or on purpose, it happens.

The oblivious raccoon you made into asphalt while driving through backwoods Iowa.

The pesky mouse you bludgeoned with a broom in your attic.

The tasty deer you shot and ate for supper.

But if you’re dog groomer Ashley Weaver, your animal killing story involves offing someone’s best friend: Miles, the toy poodle. Or should we say, Miles, the lump of charcoal.

Ashley’s boss, Pet’s Choice owner Jim Detlich recalls, “[Ashley] left the dog in the drying cage and left…didn’t tell anybody.” The dog had “fried to death” in the blow-dryer.

As you might guess, Ashley has been charged with animal cruelty and utter stupidity. She’s also been fired from Pet’s Choice. A punishment only appropriate for firing Miles like a clay pot in a kiln.

SUCKS TO BE Keith Griffin, taking the fall for his cat's illicit downloads

Monday, August 10th, 2009

800px-Cat-and-computerWhen police find over 1,000 images of child pornography on your personal computer, there’s little you could say in defense of your actions that would make anyone sympathetic toward you.

That is, unless you’re Keith Griffin of Jensen Beach, Florida. Griffin claims that one day when he left the room where his computer was busy downloading music, his cat Fluffy sneaked up on the keyboard and downloaded some “strange things.”

“I hed no idea dat kitty-porn was eggenst da lawz,” Fluffy said while aggressively licking his crotch.

Keith Griffin, it sucks that your cat can’t spell. Because now, you’re going to pay for it—not only with a painful prison sentence that includes daily shower visits from Brutus, but with door-to-door visits explaining your crime to all your neighbors.

And unfortunately, bringing Fluffy along isn’t going to win you any sympathy points.

SUCKS TO BE in a head-on collision with a horse

Friday, August 7th, 2009

First of all, let’s agree that Mr. Ed should lose at least 3 points on his license for this stunt. He was driving on the wrong side of the road. He was clearly speeding. And, he left the scene of the accident. So the fact that he was within a horsehair of becoming roadkill isn’t producing any tears here at STBY.

Our tears are for Ira and Helen, who got a couple hooves to the face, a severe shock to their pacemakers, and a repair bill that’s going eat up all their Canasta winnings.

SUCKS TO BE a tourist at the Knowsley Safari Park

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
Ooh ooh goody I found a thong!

Ooh ooh goody I found a thong!

There’s an exciting new attraction at England’s Knowsley Safari Park – The Panty Sniffing Car Jacking Baboons.

It’s a rare breed of monkey that has developed the rather irritating ability to open up the luggage racks of passing cars and pilfer their underwear. The throng of undie-fetished Curious Georges have been accosting customers all summer long.

Safari Park General Manager, David Ross, said, “When the first luggage box was broken into we didn’t really take an awful lot of notice – we just thought it was a one-off incident with a faulty box or lock.

“However, when the problem kept happening, it quickly became clear that the baboons had acquired an unfortunate new skill.”

Unfortunate, indeed. The baboons have not only caused thousands upon thousands in property damage, they’ve also embarrassed countless tourists who’ve had their pantaloons and their granny pants and their skid marked skivvies exposed to the world.

Sucks to spend your vacation going commando.

SUCKS TO BE Jango, Rhino with a boner for a Fiat

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Jango and the future Mrs. Jango

Jango and the future Mrs. Jango

Jango loves Fiats. He doesn’t love how they handle. He doesn’t love how they look. He doesn’t love how they last. He loves them. So much so that he wants to start a family with a hot little red number who’s parked in his cage at Vienna’s Schoenbrunn Zoo.

Sucks to be that desperate.

Jango, a Fiat is that girl who’s hanging around the bar at 2am, waiting for some loser to take her home, bed her, and then escape before she wakes up.

You deserve better, my horny little friend. Play the field before you settle down. Cuddle with a Beemer. Try something kinky a Rolls. Maybe try a one-night stand with a Volvo with a Corinthian leather interior.

Just stop raping that jalopy in your cage. You’re going to wind up with an unloving marriage and a wicked case of tetanus on your thingy.

SUCKS TO BE a dog

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
     M-m-m-ichael V-v-v-v-ick is f-f-f-ree? Oh shit.

M-m-m-ichael V-v-v-v-ick is f-f-f-ree? Oh shit.

Michael Vick was just released from prison today. So all you Fidos out there, break out of your invisible fences. Gnaw off your leashes. Escape from your dog houses. And run for your lives. Life just got sucky for you.

SUCKS TO BE a brown bear in Anchorage

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

Brown_Bear_SignSpring is finally in the air. Which means that in Anchorage, Alaska, brown bears are seriously hungry. They’ve been cooped up all winter in their dens with no personal space to relax and knock back a few hundred pounds of caribou. And now, it’s feeding time baby.

Unfortunately for the residents of Anchorage, breakfast occasionally happens to be one of them.

So you’re probably wondering, “Why, STBY, don’t you say that it sucks to be the innocent people of Anchorage?”

Our take is that if you choose to live anywhere in Alaska, you are officially part of the food chain. Housewife is to cheeseburger as brown bear is to housewifeburger. Just accept it. And if you don’t like it, then move to Dallas, the world’s largest slab of concrete.

We believe it sucks to be a brown bear around Anchorage, Alaska because people are angrily calling for your head. It seems the town folk can’t, well, bear your presence anymore.

“God gave us this land, dammit! This beautiful landscape would be so bland without our cul-de-sacs and strip malls. It’s time for the bears to go,” said Wanda Phillips, who recently moved from Washington State where bears don’t dine on self-righteous suburbanites.

Rick Sinnott, an area biologist overseeing the “bear problem,” claims there will be no mass extermination of bears.

Historically, language like that has led to some pretty sucky stuff—it’s definitely bad news, bears. But it’s probably pretty good news for Wanda Phillips, who can’t wait to put a new rug in her den.