Archive for the ‘Bodily Harm’ Category

SUCKS TO BE buying crack with Monopoly money

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
Drug dealers are stupid, but not this stupid.

Drug dealers are stupid, but not this stupid.

A Wichita, Kansas dope addict who was low on foo-foo dust and even lower on cash, decided to pay his dealer off in Monopoly money. You know, those little pink and yellow and blue pieces of paper that look nothing like money at all? Yeah, he tried to pass that off as legal tender.

Guess what a wad of Rich Uncle Pennybag’s cash buys you on the mean streets of Wichita? A head caving, that’s what.

The crackhead, upon issuing his payment in cute little 100’s, proceeded to get a beat down so severe it would make a Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot cringe.

Memo to druggies: dealers don’t take kindly to pretend money. Nor, are they very interested in giving you a bag of blow in exchange for a metal thimble or tiny little iron. So if you want to get all jacked up on Beemers, rob a bank or something. It’s a lot less risky.

The bloodied suspect, when discovered by police, went directly to jail. He did not pass go. He did not collect $200.

SUCKS TO BE a Canuck relying on the Vancouver Police Department for safety

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Vancouver-Public-Safety-Hazard

The only way this news report out of Canada could be more ironic is if pianos were falling out of top-floor windows onto pedestrians while the building was engulfed in flames after being hit by a wayward comet.

SUCKS TO BE blown up by your cigarette

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

It's funny until someone gets hurt.We all know that smoking cigarettes has its health risks. Just ask the dude standing outside the restaurant in the rain alternating drags from his Marlboros and his oxygen tank. If the cancer doesn’t get him, the pneumonia certainly will.

But in Indonesia, cigarettes don’t just kill you slowly from the inside, they go Ayman Al-Zawahiri on you.

Just ask Andi Susanto, a pack-a-day puffer, who took a drag of his menthol and experienced an explosion not seen since Kanye played celebrity judge at the VMAs.

That’s right, Susanto’s butt was spiked with tiny little bombs.

Sucks to have the Surgeon General only warn you about cancer, emphysema and birth defects.

Susanto told reporters he had never experienced any problems with his habit before. He also said that he would quit smoking after the incident.

Yeah, it’s pretty hard to put a cig between your lips when your lips are scattered all over Jakarta.

SUCKS TO BE Eric Gremm, chili eatin,’ house crashin’ truck driver

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
$1.99 for a small. Unless you count the truck repair, the home demolition and the lawsuit. And then it comes to about $4,438,993.99

$1.99 for a small. Unless you count the truck repair, the home demolition and the lawsuit. And then it comes to about $4,438,993.99

When trucker Eric Gremm ordered a small Wendy’s chili to go, he figured he was probably in for a little indigestion and some in-cabin methane poisoning. But he never thought the meal would make him crash his rig into some unlucky bastard’s house.

But, that is precisely what happened.

As the story goes, Eric was slurping down his spicy bowl of goodness while driving through Lowell, Massachusetts. Mr. Gremm claims the food went “down the wrong pipe” causing him to get lightheaded and pass out.

The rest of the story, as the they say, is history.  Mr. Gremm’s rig took out a house, knocking it completely off of its foundation. He also destroyed an uneaten Biggie Fries and large Frosty, both of which succombed to the impact, and went flying to the floor.

When asked to comment, Mr. Gremm could only say, “Damn I’m hungry. I wish I woulda crashed into a McDonald’s or something.”

Mr. Gremm could face charges of reckless operation and assault with a deadly value meal.

SUCKS TO BE passed out at a Kappa Sigma party at Texas Christian University

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

It’s sure sucky to have to pay for your friends by being in a fraternity. It’s whole new level of suckiness, though, when those friends burn giant things on your buttcheeks while you’re unconscious after they got you drunk. Because those guys obviously want to be something more than just buddies. You might want to find another frat, Amon Carter. Or scratch that, another way of making friends other than doing kegstands.

SUCKS TO BE at the Weight Watchers meeting when the floor collapses

Friday, January 15th, 2010
Stockholm Weight Watchers Headquarters

Stockholm Weight Watchers Headquarters

A Swedish Weight Watchers weigh-in was cut short when the floor they were standing on fell through.

Nobody is sure why the hardwood gave way, although many are suspecting that Berta, the new girl, didn’t stick to her 25 points, like she was supposed too.

Combine a couple extra low-cal Swedish meatballs with shoddy Nordic workmanship and you’ve got the recipe for disaster.

“Yaaa,” said one member, “Berta cheats. She hidesa da food in her pockets and in her pantaloons. She’s on a double secret probation righta now.”

For safety reasons, the Weight Watchers group has decided to hold their meetings on a reinforced cement slab in the parking lot. At least until Berta starts following the rules.

SUCKS TO BE Ed Bauman, fired from Walmart for getting punched

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

"Hello! Welcome to the unemployment line!"

"Hello! Welcome to the unemployment line!"

Ed Bauman is a Walmart greeter. His job is to make crotchety trailer park denizens, Welfare cheats and dental anomalies feel good about themselves.

“Welcome to Walmart,” Ed would say with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye as folks waltzed by in search of $5 bags of tube socks and some ammo from the gun store.

But this week, the 69-year-old ex-Marine was the recipient of a greeting. In the form of a punch to the face.

As the story goes, a customer leaving the store, set off the security alarm. Ed, being the faithful-even-though-they-only-pay-me-minimum-wage employee, chased down the man to check and see if he was leaving with any ill-gotten gain.

When Ed caught up to the would-be thief, he was punched right in the kisser.

Ed responded with a few Semper Fi roundhouses of his own.

And as thanks for putting his life on the line for the sake of the company’s profit margin, Walmart gave Ed the pink slip.

Yep, he was canned. For fighting with a customer.

Correct us if we’re wrong, but getting punched isn’t fighting, it’s elderly abuse. It’s not grounds for termination, it’s grounds for a freaking promotion and some of that executive health insurance.

Here’s an idea Ed. Why don’t you greet Walmart. With a big frickin’ lawsuit.

SUCKS TO BE spending your tax dollars helping heroin addicts get high

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Take_Charge_Take_Care-9.jpgThis just in: The War on Drugs has officially turned into one big Smack Party.

The City of New York, in its efforts to keep its title as The Most Whacked Out Metropolis in the World, has issued a guidebook to help heroin users use more heroin.

The 16-page instruction manual, titled “Take Charge Take Care,”  illustrates the proper way to prepare the drug, the easiest way to find a vein, and tips on keeping your drug dealer from dying in your apartment.

The only thing missing from the textbook is the cell phone number of Willie, the guy with the good stuff.

The cost of the manifesto to taxpayers: $32,000. Or to put it in another way, about 110 grams of dope.

Sucks to have government officials who are stoned out of their minds.

Not that we’re experts, but perhaps it would have been better to print a different pamphlet. Maybe one called,  “Directions to Rehab.” Or better yet, “Hey Heroin Addicts, Move Your Asses To Jersey.”

SUCKS TO BE David, Derek, Dylan, Debra and Darcy

Monday, January 4th, 2010
D is for Death

D is for Death

If your parents saddled you with a name that begins with the letter “D,”they might as well have given you a pack of Marlboros and lighter. Because research shows that folks whose names start with that unfortunate letter live 10 years less than folks whose names begin with the letter A.

Sucks to be you Donald Duck, David Duchovny and Dilbert.

Researchers believe that the difference in life expectancy relates to a subconscious link to school grades, where A represents high achievement and D near failure. As a result,  people with D names are more likely to develop lifelong low self-esteem, which, in turn, may lower their defenses against disease.

The report also confirmed that kids named Dexter and Dick experienced a higher number of life-endangering swirlies in elementary school.

So, if your names starts with the letter “D,” prepare yourself. Because you’re about to go the way of the Dinosaur a lot sooner than you think.

SUCKS TO BE a soccer player

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

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And ya wonder why the sport hasn’t caught on in America?