Archive for the ‘Corporations’ Category

SUCKS TO BE getting bills from Verizon while you’re six feet under

Monday, March 8th, 2010
As if you needed another reason to wanna deck this goober.

As if you needed another reason to wanna deck this twat.

“Thank you for calling Verizon, how can I completely piss on your day?”

Legendary for achieving customer dissatisfaction, Verizon recently stooped to a new low by refusing to disconnect the telephone service of Bill Young, a West Virginia man who went six feet under in June 2009. It wasn’t until last week that Verizon cut off the service after numerous phone calls from Cynthia Lacy, the man’s daughter, and a complaint to the media.

Sucks to be dealing with the soulless pricks at Verizon while your father’s soul is en route to dealing with Judgement.

Cynthia even sent Verizon a copy of her father’s death certificate to try and stop the service. But the saga continued.

“Can you hear me now?” they persisted.

“No, I’m fucking dead. Now shut off my damn phone!” Young wished he could say.

The obvious lesson here is that if you thought “We never stop working for you” was just Verizon’s slogan, well, they’re really serious about the “never” part.

SUCKS TO BE charged $700 trying to get your unemployment benefits

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

When Ernie Sanchez lost his job, he tried to call New Mexico’s Workforce Solutions to get his unemployment benefits. But all they gave him were more problems. Seven hundred problems, to be exact.

You see, in his attempt to actually talk to a Workforce Solutions solution-maker, Ernie made a whopping 1,114 calls on his cell, each of which cost him 45 cents. Some days it took him hundreds of calls just to get through. And when he did make a connection, he sometimes spent up to four hours on hold waiting for Elvira on the other end of the line to get back from her break.

That’s a lot of on hold Muzak. And a lot of charges to the Droid.

His total cell bill? Over 700 smackers.

“It’s almost the same amount for two weeks of benefits that I was trying to get,” Sanchez said.

Sucks to give your unemployment check to Luke Wilson, doesn’t it Ernie?

Now, with no job, no money and the wrath of Chad upon him, Ernie will have to go without the bare essentials, like food and gasoline and downloading of apps.

Boy, does this recession suck.

SUCKS TO BE a small-penised, environment-loathing gazillionaire looking for a vehicle

Thursday, February 25th, 2010
Can I interest you in a Prius, sir?

Can I interest you in a Prius, sir?

Starting next year, GM will cease production of their gasoline-inhaling mobile homes more commonly known as the Hummer.

The vehicle, which was first used in the Persian Gulf War to run over anyone holding a picture of Saddam Hussein became popular in the States with those looking to pancake Honda Civics and SmartCars.

Nevermind that it couldn’t fit in an ordinary garage or that it cost somewhere in the vicinity of a house payment to fill its tank, the Hummer was THE American ride.

And, now what have we got to choose from? F’ing Kias and Hyundais.

WTF, GM? We bail your ass out of ineptitude, and this is the thanks we get? You do realize there are fossil fuels left to burn, ice caps left to melt and student drivers left to scare the living shit out of?

And you were aware that small men compensate with big cars, weren’t you? So unless you plan on paying for a bunch of therapy appointments and penile implants, call up the Auto Union and crank up your assembly line.

Because we ain’t driving your fucking hybrids. Not here in the good old U.S. of A.

SUCKS TO BE Forbes Magazine, Part 2

Saturday, February 20th, 2010

forbes-logoIf you hadn’t heard, Forbes Magazine ranked the STBY home city  of Cleveland the most miserable place to live.

Yesterday, we gave them a big F-U.

Today, we’re taking action. If you’re a Clevelander or just a Sucks to be You warrior, join us in our quest to suck things up for them.

We are providing you with several resources/ideas to help you make their next few days (or weeks, or months) as miserable as possible.

For new subscriptions, you can go here.

When filling out the info, we suggest you put your name as Semore Butts, I P Freely  or Jack Mahogoff. Also, when you need to fill in the address, try 1600 Pennyslvania Ave. or something with 69 in it… that’s always funny.

You could also email them at readers@forbes.com. If this is your preferred route of civil disobedience, you might want to fill the email with any poem using the word, Nantucket. If poetry ain’t your thing just send them a picture of her:

fat_lady

You might also want to waste a few friends and family minutes to pick up the phone and give them a call. We’re good with that. As far as we can tell, the phone number is:

212-366-8900.

Use it at your indiscretion.

Like we said Forbes, don’t fuck with Cleveland. Because you may think our city sucks. But the truth is, you suck worse.

SUCKS TO BE living in Cleveland, the world’s most miserable city

Friday, February 19th, 2010


According to a new Forbes Magazine article, Cleveland, Ohio has been crowned The Most Miserable place in which to live.

Their reasons for giving the town its #1 ranking: crappy weather, inept politicians, high taxes and a drought of sports championships so long that the last trophy was made from the tusk of a Mastadon.

All that being said, we hardly think Cleveland is the most miserable place in the world.  I mean, wouldn’t that title go to wherever The Kardashians are calling home?

And besides Forbes, maybe your crack staff of pseudo-journalists should do some fucking fact checking. Because if you didn’t realize it — the STBY World Headquarters are located in Cleveland. That’s right — the Microsoft of the blogosphere has parked its witty ass right on your so-called Mistake on the Lake.

Sucks to be living in Cleveland, you say?

No, sucks to be working for Forbes. Because we here at STBY are calling for a full-out boycott of your shitty publication, the spamming of your inboxes with soft-core porn and juvenile crank calls to HQ.

Did you see what happened to the NFL and Art Modell when they tried to fuck with our Browns? We don’t take shit lying down here in C-Town. So, be prepared, Forbes.

Living in Cleveland may be miserable. But working for your rag over the next couple days will be even worse.

SUCKS TO BE pickpocketed on an airplane

Thursday, January 7th, 2010
The latest in-flight warning from officials at Air France.

The latest in-flight warning from officials at Air France.

With virtually every airline’s finances running on a fumes these days, it’s fair to say that flying anywhere pretty much sucks. There are the outrageous fuck-you-for-flying-with-us fees to check your luggage. The tiny seat you paid big bucks for but you’re forced to share with the Stay Puft Marshmallow’s left butt cheek. And of course, there’s the fear of dying a horrible death either plummeting to the earth at the speed of crapping your pants or being used as a weapon of mass destruction.

But for some passengers on an overnight flight from Paris to Tokyo, their flying experience was even suckier. French police are reporting that around 4,000 euros ($5,744) was pickpocketed from five business class passengers as they slept on the long trip. At the time of the pilfering, the stewardesses said they were busy doling out rations of tomato juice with exactly 3 ice cubes to passengers in second-class.

Issuing a typical the-customer-is-always-wrong statement, Air France said that passengers are responsible for items they have with them in the cabin. Or in other words, you snooze, you lose.

SUCKS TO BE craving a Big Mac in Glad Valley, South Dakota

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009
Nothing like a 145 mile walk to burn off those pounds

Nothing like a 145 mile walk to burn off those pounds

America’s “McFarthest Spot” – where you are the longest distance possible from a McDonald’s restaurant – has been identified. If you’re standing in Glad Valley, South Dakota, you’re there. The little town of fast-food virgins is an incredible 145 mile drive from the nearest heart-attack outpost.

Sucky news for the Glad Vallian rugrats who’ll  have to throw the world’s biggest temper tantrum in order to get their moms to burn a tank of gas for that McNugget Happy Meal and a Hello Kitty toy.

It’s also sucky news for Bart Guthrie,  Glad Valley’s lone cardiac surgeon, whose case load of clogged arteries, diabetics and cardiac arrest patients is so low he’s had to take a second job as a bag boy at the local mini mart.

They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t put the Hamburglar in Glad Valley.

Sucks to be that far from civilization.

SUCKS TO BE a First Premier Bank credit card holder

Friday, October 16th, 2009

FirstPremier_creditcard

That’s right, folks. A 79.9% APR.

And as if that weren’t punishment enough for having a lousy credit score, the shysters at FPB slapped on a $75 annual fee.

Here’s our take on the plastic pillaging.

Bus fare for a day of shopping: $4.

Crappy flat screen TV from Wal-Mart: $310.

Making $200 minimum monthly payments ’til The Second Coming of Christ: priceless.

There are some things credit card companies can’t do. Screwing financially inept poor people in the ass isn’t one of them.

SUCKS TO BE United Airlines, subject of an unhappy passenger's complaint video

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Attention United Airlines, if you’re going to let your clumsy baboon-brained baggage handlers toss around a passenger’s $3400 Taylor guitar and turn it into a worthless pile of Taylor wood chips, you might want to make sure the said passenger doesn’t have another guitar at home. Because he might just decide to write a song about his adventures and then make a music video exposing you as the no-heart, all-thumbs jerks that you are.

Musician/passenger Dave Carroll’s little ditty is called, appropriately enough, “United Breaks Guitars.” The video is funny. And the song ain’t half bad.

Hey, United, you’re probably wishing you broke his video camera, too.

Sucks to be you.

SUCKS TO BE buying a ticket from Spirit Airlines via the Interwebs

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

7197861641If you think nothing could suck worse in air travel than flying Delta, well, think again.

Spirit Airlines, you are officially the suckiest airline of all time. Not because your planes are ugly. Not because your snack mix is gross. And not because your seat cushions smell like swass. But because you’re a bunch of money-grubbing bastards.

Spirit Airlines is now charging its passengers a $4.90 fee each way for booking tickets online or over the phone. (For the mathematically challenged, that’s about $10 round trip.) They’re calling it a “passenger usage fee.” We at STBY prefer the “fuck you for flying with us fee.”

Don’t worry, though, you can avoid the ridiculous charge if you just haul you and your travel companions to the nearest airport and purchase your fare directly from the Spirit Airlines ticket counter.

Now that’s what we call convenient!

In true corporate B.S. fashion, the carrier claims they’re imposing the fee as a way to offset distribution costs. (Translation: it costs us a bunch of money to staff a ticket counter ’round the clock and print actual boarding passes, so logically, we pass the bill on to you.)

How unfare.