Archive for the ‘Criminals’ Category

SUCKS TO BE caught robbing your victims by your victims’ own vacation photo

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

t1larg.theft.myers.famAwkward Family Photos meets This is PhotoBomb meets People Who Deserve It.

In the foreground you’ll find the Myers family taking a picture of themselves in front of the Madison, Wisconsin Capitol.

In the background is their stuff. And some douchebag trying to steal it.  Yep, while John and Katharine and kids stopped for a second to get another shot for their Shutterbug memory book, Glenn Lambright decided to photoshop their belongings right out of the scene.

Given the evidence the Myers had, Five Fingers Lambright didn’t get far. And now he’s getting his own portrait taken. By the Madison Police Department.

Sucks to be caught by the family’s own surveillance camera.

SUCKS TO BE robbed by Darth Vader

Monday, July 26th, 2010

With the Death Star on the verge of foreclosure, Darth uses The Force. Of a loaded gun.

SUCKS TO BE Lindsay Lohan, convict

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

LohanBooking_397x224Former actress and current train wreck, Lindsay Lohan is learning the hard way that the role of “convict” is lot tougher to play than a kid at camp in “Parent Trap.”

Lohan, who was sentenced to mild time in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, California on Tuesday  was treated like a common, well, criminal. According to reports, she burst into tears after prison wardens ripped out her hair extensions and forced her to remove her false eyelashes.

As one of the prison guards put it: “She was a broken woman. But she won’t get any sympathy here — this is jail.”

By jail, do you mean no private trailer with free bagels?

By jail, do you mean no slutty nights out with Paris and Britney?

By jail to you mean no red carpets and autograph seekers?

Say it ain’t so,  copper.   Stars aren’t treated this way. Even drunk driving, parole violating stars.

Just ask Charlie Sheen.

But, for the next few months, life is going to be on the sucky side for Ms. Lohan, as she tries to deal with bad wardrobe, terrible craft services, and one lousy role — license plate maker.

SUCKS TO BE posting your bail with counterfeit cash

Thursday, July 15th, 2010

Hmm, it does look slightly suspicious.

Hmm, it does look slightly suspicious.

Ronald White, a Camden, NJ crook,  found himself going back to the Burlington County Jail just when he thought he was about to get out.

Apprently, Mr. White didn’t realize that passing off fake $20s was frowned upon by the law. Apprently he didn’t think anyone would notice the difference between the real stuff and  his badly Xeroxed cash, which according to police, even had a fuzzy picture of Andrew Jackson’s face.

Whoops.

Mr. White, the guy taking your bail money is not some dude on work release ringing you up at the Circle K. These cops know their shit. That’s why they get badges. And cool hats.

So it’s not all that smart to buy your way to freedom with Monopoly money.

Needless to say the financial whiz  was asked to do an about-face and return to his duties as the cell ward blow-up doll.

Sucks to be the girlfriend.

Thanks to Dave for sending this story along.


SUCKS TO BE robbed at crap-point

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010
"I would like to withdraw some soap and a washcloth, please."

"I would like to withdraw some soap and a washcloth, please."

If you’re thinking of withdrawing cash from an ATM machine in Toronto, you might want to wear a HazMat suit and an extra coating of Brut before taking out your card.

Because on numerous occasions, folks have been assaulted by thieves bearing a weapon more frightening than an AK47 — a bottle of liquid poop.

Yes, instead of using the customary gun or knife or finger pointed in coat pocket, crooks in the Great White North are spraying their victims with diarreah and then running off with their smelly wads of cash.

Good thinking Mr. Robber. Who would want the money when it’s covered with  dookie and undigested corn.

Sucks to be treated like shit and then smell like it, too.

SUCKS TO BE a Florida taxpayer

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010
U-P-G-R-A-D-E. Upgrade.

U-P-G-R-A-D-E. Upgrade.

Two homeless men from the streets of Fort Lauderdale, 45-year-old Jimmy Graviett and 32-year-old Robert Gallant, have been charged with second-degree murder of another homeless man, 45-year-old Bradley Schmidt.

If convicted of the hobocide, the two suspects face a possible life sentence of cable television, a warm bed, clean orange clothing, excellent healthcare, a members-only gym and 3 meals a day. Talk about hitting the jackpot.

Makes freezing your ass off in a corner bus stop sucking on a forty of Old English and a handful of stubbed out cigarette butts seem like cruel and unusual punishment.

Sucks to be a Florida taxpayer. Because you, my friend, are the one getting prison-raped.

SUCKS TO BE looking for a landscaper in Arizona

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010
The Crappy Weedy Lawn Act of 2010

The Crappy Weedy Lawn Act of 2010

If your well-manicured lawn looks like total shit this year, you can thank Governor Jan Brewer.

The Gov just signed into legislation a law basically kicking all Mexicans out of her state. And by doing so, she’s taken the entire lawn and garden industry with her.

Arizona’s immigration law makes it a state crime to be in the country illegally. It will require anyone whom police suspect of being in the country illegally to produce “an alien registration document,” such as a green card or other proof of citizenship, such as a passport or Arizona driver’s license.

Sure, while the law might suck for those who’ll be randomly pulled over and interrogated about their citizenship, it really sucks for the homeowners of the state who will now be paying bratty Billy a handsome sum to trim the hedges between his marathon Modern Warfare games.

Sucks to be without a Mexican when you need one.

SUCKS TO BE in prison because of a typo

Saturday, April 10th, 2010

jailWe here at STBY have had our fair share of typograhpicl errors. (See there was one just now.) And while they may be annoying to our readers and embarrassssing (oops there’s another one) to us, none have landed us in the slammer.

Indian do-badder Kamjai Khong Thavorn is not so fortunate.
You see, when he was sent up the river in 1987, he had the misfortune of getting the lady in booking who couldn’t tpye (like us!). And so, instead of marking his date of incarceration as 1987, she put 1997. As a result, Mr. Thavorn, who was given a 20-year sentence, was not released in 2007. In fact, it took Indian authorities a full three years to discover their clerical error.

That’s three extra years of curry-soaked jail food. Three extra years of playing pick-up games of  Kabbadi in the yard.  Three extra years of fending off Aadesh, the lifer with they horny streak.

Sucks to do time because someone couldn’t pass their steno class.

SUCKS TO BE a group of anarchists who need the government

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Hutaree8-militia

The lunatic Hutaree militia members that were arrested in Michigan this week for allegedly plotting to kill a bunch of cops because of their hatred of the government have all requested…you guessed it, a government attorney.

Sucks to not think your plan all the way through.

SUCKS TO BE arrested by a voodoo-weilding Mexican cop

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010
"Stick 'em up!"

"Stick 'em up!"

The police in Mexico should raid Charlton Heston’s old gun closest. Because clearly they need some firepower. It’s gotten so bad in their fight against drug runners that they’ve resorted to voodoo to apprehend them.

Yes, armed with a plush doll and the pins from Tia Panchita’s sewing case, they are heading out into the danger zone to save Mexico.

Along with the sharpies, their arsenal also includes animal sacrifice and spirit tattoos. In fact, one of their best drug-prevention details includes priests who slaughter chickens on full moon nights on beaches and smear police with the blood while using prayers to evoke spirits.

OK, then. Something tells us that hiding behind an unmarked vehicle with some tear gas and bullets might be a little more effective. But hey who are we to judge a man with a room full of bloody feathers?

No word on whether the methods have  been effecive in stopping drug dealers. But it’s been pretty effective at stopping chickens, that’s for sure.