Somebody’s not get any after the game tonight.
Archive for the ‘Douchebags’ Category
SUCKS TO BE sitting next to your fraidy-cat boyfriend
Thursday, August 12th, 2010SUCKS TO BE protested at your own protest
Thursday, August 5th, 2010
Damn. You spend all that time coming up with your clever “hate” slogan. You toil for hours with your crayons, your magic markers and your school glue. You drive all the way across town to find someone to diss. And what do you get? A big F-U. Sucks to be upstaged by your opposition.
SUCKS TO BE without a Strippermobile roaming the streets
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010
It used to be that when you took the Pinto out on the cobblestone streets of Collinsville, Illinois, you’d get treated to a little piece of Americana — The Strippermobile.
That’s right, in this quaint little town, a pickup truck hauling women in pasties and thongs could be seen roaming the streets and making old men wreck their cars into telephone poles.
But, sadly, this little piece of culture is gone. Banned by a city council made up of Puritans, Amish and guys named Falwell.
Sucks to live in a town run by eunuchs.
Apparently people found the striptease act during rush hour a bit of a traffic-jam maker. Sort of like slowing down to watch a car wreck, only the moans coming out of the vehicle sound a little hotter.
Not all the residents are happy about the new anti-obscenity law. As one gentleman put it, “They let those damn Smart Cars on the road, and what kind of pussy piece of crap could be more offensive than that?”
SUCKS TO BE the world’s unhealthiest health department
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010
Congratulations to everyone in the Lancaster, Ohio Health Department. And by everyone, we mean the million fleas that have infested the place.
That’s right, the folks who are supposed to be seeking out and destroying hygiene problems in our community can’t seem to find it in their own lobby.
WTF, health department? Did you drag a couple of bugs in from your last inspection of the local greasy spoon and forget to fog yourselves?
Did you raid the trailer of that that eccentric old lady with 29 cats, and decide to bring one back and make it the company pet?
Whatever the case, it’s a little sad that you can’t manage to make the place healthy enough to pass your own inspection.
Sucks to be scratching all day long.
SUCKS TO BE an Obama-supporting patient of Dr. Jack Cassell
Friday, April 2nd, 2010
Dr. Jack Cassell, a urologist from Florida, has decided to enact his own brand of health care reform: He’s turning away all Democrats.
Yep, anyone who voted for Barack Obama can go get their balls fondled someplace else.
The Sean Hannity humping doc posted a sign outside his office telling those patients who voted for that communist-sympathizing, socialist-loving, country-hating Marxist to look ”elsewhere” for care.
Dr. Cassell, of course, is invoking a little-known codicil in the Hippocratic Oath, which states that if a doctor doesn’t like a patient’s voting record he can let him suffer through a painful, burning urinary tract infection without remorse.
Sucks to have a tender pecker in Florida.
SUCKS TO BE Steven Andrew Plank’s dad, golden shower recipient
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010M
ost normal family disputes end up with some salty words about the mother-in-law or the film crew from “Cops” showing up at the front door.
But in the Plank household, when you get pissed, the piss literally starts flying. Just ask Steven Andrew Plank’s wheelchair-bound father.
It seems that when pops decided to cook some potatoes, his son became the freaking Iron Chef and starting judging his dad’s concoction. His verdict? Yuck. And as retaliation for Mr. Plank Sr.’s poor epicurean skills, the son-of-the-year decided to rip off his dad’s urine bag and pour it on his head.
A simple, “thank you” would have sufficed, Steven.
But no… you had to go and show your dad, who can’t walk and can’t go to the bathroom, that you’re fucking Julia Child. You had to show the man who taught you how to fish and drive that your real passion is being a douchebag.
Way to go, Steven. Sucks to be the worst son in the world.
SUCKS TO BE the world’s most insensitive douchebag
Thursday, March 25th, 2010
We’re looking at you, Chris Reichert of Columbus, Ohio. Yeah, you… with the wad of change and an arm that would make CC Sabbathia cum. Nice going, thowing your ceremonial first pitch at a man with Parkinson’s Disease.
We know you were caught up in the moment of the Fox News health care reform revolt, and decided to vent your Tea Party anger on a guy who was suffering from one of the most debilitating diseases there is. We know you were hearing voices from Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly telling you to “throw it, throw it, throw it.”
But still…
Are you really that stupid? Are you really that insensitive? Does it take every local news reporter to remind you that you were acting like a total dickhead? I mean, even Karl Rove thinks you went over the line. And that’s saying something.
So, thanks for your oh-so-sincere apology. Now shut the fuck up and go get yourself a free mental health screening. You can do that….now that healthcare reform is passed.
SUCKS TO BE facing felony charges for break dancing
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010Ryan Baczkiewicz, an 18-year-old white boy from Cheektowaga, NY was arrested on felony criminal mischief charges after allegedly break dancing at a parents-gone-on-vacation house party and causing $3,000 in damage to the homeowner’s beautiful wood floors.
Apparently the B-boy’s belt buckle was studded with large faux diamonds, which seriously chafed the hardwood. To boot—or should we say, to double-chair-flare—the attention whore was hammered on Underage Lite, trying to impress the girls whose parents owned the home. Way to make a good impression with their ‘rents, Chief.
First of all, Ryan Breakdancewicz, a dude wearing a diamond belt buckle to a high school party is reason enough to be arrested by the fashion police. Secondly, you’re as Polish as a pierogi. So our advice is that you stick to the accordion and Polka. Because you suck so unbelievably bad at break dancing that the only thing you break are expensive floors.
SUCKS TO BE Forbes Magazine, Part 2
Saturday, February 20th, 2010
If you hadn’t heard, Forbes Magazine ranked the STBY home city of Cleveland the most miserable place to live.
Yesterday, we gave them a big F-U.
Today, we’re taking action. If you’re a Clevelander or just a Sucks to be You warrior, join us in our quest to suck things up for them.
We are providing you with several resources/ideas to help you make their next few days (or weeks, or months) as miserable as possible.
For new subscriptions, you can go here.
When filling out the info, we suggest you put your name as Semore Butts, I P Freely or Jack Mahogoff. Also, when you need to fill in the address, try 1600 Pennyslvania Ave. or something with 69 in it… that’s always funny.
You could also email them at readers@forbes.com. If this is your preferred route of civil disobedience, you might want to fill the email with any poem using the word, Nantucket. If poetry ain’t your thing just send them a picture of her:
You might also want to waste a few friends and family minutes to pick up the phone and give them a call. We’re good with that. As far as we can tell, the phone number is:
212-366-8900.
Use it at your indiscretion.
Like we said Forbes, don’t fuck with Cleveland. Because you may think our city sucks. But the truth is, you suck worse.
SUCKS TO BE living in Cleveland, the world’s most miserable city
Friday, February 19th, 2010
According to a new Forbes Magazine article, Cleveland, Ohio has been crowned The Most Miserable place in which to live.
Their reasons for giving the town its #1 ranking: crappy weather, inept politicians, high taxes and a drought of sports championships so long that the last trophy was made from the tusk of a Mastadon.
All that being said, we hardly think Cleveland is the most miserable place in the world. I mean, wouldn’t that title go to wherever The Kardashians are calling home?
And besides Forbes, maybe your crack staff of pseudo-journalists should do some fucking fact checking. Because if you didn’t realize it — the STBY World Headquarters are located in Cleveland. That’s right — the Microsoft of the blogosphere has parked its witty ass right on your so-called Mistake on the Lake.
Sucks to be living in Cleveland, you say?
No, sucks to be working for Forbes. Because we here at STBY are calling for a full-out boycott of your shitty publication, the spamming of your inboxes with soft-core porn and juvenile crank calls to HQ.
Did you see what happened to the NFL and Art Modell when they tried to fuck with our Browns? We don’t take shit lying down here in C-Town. So, be prepared, Forbes.
Living in Cleveland may be miserable. But working for your rag over the next couple days will be even worse.
