Archive for the ‘Legal Matters’ Category

SUCKS TO BE Roger Clemens, big fat liar

Friday, August 20th, 2010

Screen shot 2010-08-20 at 9.07.34 PMIn his career, the Rocket has faced some tough opponents — Derek Jeter, A-Rod, Jose Canseco with a handful of sharp needles. But now Roger is facing his toughest foe ever — some dude in a robe.

Yep, he’s gotta face a federal judge for lying to Congress.

And when it’s all said and done, he could be spending some time in the judicial system’s version of AAA.

If you recall, some time back, the uber-muscular old man told Nancy Pelosi and her gang of ne’er-do-wells that he never took steroids. Turns out he did. And now  Congress is pissed that he’s not an honest angel, like — ahem — they are.

Listen Mr. Clemens, you can get away with a lot of things  in this country — just ask the cast of “Jersey Shore.” But one thing you cannot do is sit up on Capitol Hill and tell fibs. Congressman don’t take kindly to that sort of shit. Lying is only acceptable if young pages or hookers are involved. Other than that, you gotta be an honest injun.

So it looks like Roger will be standing trial. And then standing in line to get a body cavity search.

Sucks to be an ex-hero.

POST #600! SUCKS TO BE suing the God Squad

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

Screen shot 2010-08-17 at 11.51.18 AMBest Buy better buy some surge protectors for their asses. Because The Big Guy is coming for them with a handful of lightning and a huge can of whoop ass. It seems the retailer, who owns the computer-fix-it company The Geek Squad is taking the Rev. Luke Strand to court for calling himself the “God Squad.”

Geek Squad – God Squad. I guess it’s a little too close for Best Buy’s copyright lawyers who have, herteofor forfeited their right to an afterlife of angels and clouds and harps.

Really Geek Squad? You want to sue a man of the cloth? You want locusts to descend on your  awesome display of low-priced PCs? Those bugs can fuck up an electrical system worse than a virus from porn.com.  And with all your Geeks turned into newts, it’ll be a real bitch trying get on your own service schedule.

So tell your lawyers to back off. Let the good Father have his VW with his funny little sign. Nobody’s going to ask him to install a big screen TV.

SUCKS TO BE in a 2 hr. parking no parking anytime tow-away free parking valet zone

Friday, July 30th, 2010

If you can manage to parallel park your car in a tight spot in downtown Washington D.C. without bumping bumpers, you’re a pretty savvy driver. But if you can figure out these signs, well, you’re a fucking MENSA member.

SUCKS TO BE tased while having sex

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

taserST2006_468x342It’s one thing to have your drunk roomie, your children or your mom walk in on you while you’re grinding uglies with your little lady. It’s quite another when a police officer with a taser gun and an itchy finger ruins the mood.

But for one Seattle, Washingon Casanova, that’s exqctly what happened.

The menage a trois of sorts, took place around 2 a.m. when a deputy responded to a complaint of loud music. As the patrol car approached the home, its lights passed over a couple having sex on the lawn.

The couple began to put their clothes on, and the deputy approached them to ask for identification. The woman  screamed and ran away. The man approached the deputy, and was then shot with a taser gun.

Apparently the man would not “put down his weapon.”

The shot to the chest was not the climax Loverboy was hoping for. And instead of spending the rest of the night spooning the old lady, he bunked in a drunk tank with the Pearl Jam fan club.

Sucks to have the mood completely ruined.

SUCKS TO BE swearing in goddamn Philadelphia

Friday, May 14th, 2010

swearingThose mother fuckers at the Philadelphia City Council have passed one hell of shitty law. Now, if you’re in Cheesesteakville, you can get cited for using profanity.

Are you fucking kidding me?

The American Civil Liberties Union is fighting the law claiming that saying “Shit” or  ”Asshole” is protected free speech.

But until they get their way, the cops on the beat are going to nail anyone who utters a dirty word.

And in this day and age, there’s more swearing than ever before.

“Fuck! I lost my job.”

“Shit!  I’m getting foreclosed.”

“Dammit, Donovan McNabb went to the fucking Redskins.”

Way to cash in on the shitty times we’re all living in. That’s not our idea of Brotherly Love.

SUCKS TO BE the Union Bar in Iowa City

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

You decide: food source or beverage? (Not her cans, you perverts.)

You decide: food source or beverage? (Not her cans, you perverts.)

To the Union Bar in Iowa City, I think it’s time you found a new lawyer. Because when your bartenders got slapped for selling Jell-O shots to a minor, attorney George Wittgraf II (the bar owner’s husband) argued that the booze-laced slurpee was a solid food, not an alcoholic beverage.

Sucks that the judge didn’t give you any wiggle room, and now you’re in trouble with Johnny Law.

But man, would that have been friggin’ awesome if the court ruled in favor of your logic. Awesome for drunks everywhere, who would always have the legal precedence to argue that they didn’t drink too much at the wedding, they just ate too much dessert. Awesome for cocaine dealers, who could get off  the hook arguing that the stuff in the bag was a powdery plant derivative that makes you uppity, like sugar. Awesome for crackheads, who could make the case that a slab of the good stuff is a naturally occurring igneous rock, most commonly found in the ghetto.

Sucks to be a gelatin lover in a world that’s gone soft.

SUCKS TO BE banned from Taco Bell

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
No entrar, Senior Strickland

No entrar, Senor Strickland

Poor Warren Strickland. The Fairbanks, Alaska resident had his last shirt-staining double layer Gordita, his last artery-clogging Chalupa Supreme, his last double crunch Taco with the disgusting Cheez-Whiz wedged between the shells.

You see, Warren has been ordered by the courts to keep out of all  Taco Bell locations in the universe for an entire year.

The sentence stems from an incident in which he tossed a freshly-made taco at a restaurant employee. Apparently the crack staff behind the counter had gotten his order wrong a couple times — something that rarely happens in the fast food industry.

When Warren went back to have his order corrected,  one of the “cooks” allegedly added a slimy green hawker to his replacement taco. Also something that rarely happens in the fast food industry.

When store manager Carol Dzimtrowicz served him up his new taco with the special sauce, Warren went Roger Clemens on her, and returned the item with a little chin music.

So now, Warren Strickland will need to think outside the spicy horsemeat. Which really kind of sucks for the guy. I mean, where’s he gonna get his 4th meal? The guy is going to go to bed starving every single night. He’s going to wake up crying and shaking and eating any morsel he can find. This isn’t Biafra, for God’s sake. This is the good old USA. And Warren’s punishment is the definition of cruel and unusual.

SUCKS TO BE Suzie, the smelly kid whose life stinks online, too

Monday, December 14th, 2009

girl bullyA U.S. District Judge in Los Angeles has ruled in favor of cyberbullies, citing that they have a First Amendment right to be meanieheads online and make other kids cry. The case dealt with a May 2008 incident, in which a YouTube video was posted by a group of 8th grade skanks calling another female student a “spoiled…brat,’’ and other shitty things.

The horsefaced teenwhore behind the video was suspended by school officials for two days. And like the whiny little bitch she is, she took the case to federal court, saying her free speech rights were violated.

Well, Stinky Suzie’s, Peter Puny Pecker’s and Fatty Maddy’s of the world, things look pretty sucky for you at the moment. It’s clear that the name-calling isn’t going to stop. But all hope is not lost.

Our advice is to keep a detailed record of all the ferocious Facebook conversations and YouTube videos that are posted about you. Save them. And wait. Wait a few years until those bullying STD-infested tramps and pillow-biting pricks are applying to college, and kindly send the Admissions Director an “FYI” file of all their tasteless extracurricular activities.

You see, while these immature pieces of crusty catshit may be effectively ruining your life right now, you have the power to fuck up their lives forever. It’s your First Amendment right.

SUCKS TO BE busted for skipping the tip

Friday, November 20th, 2009

Happy Hour at the Lehigh Pub in Bethlehem, PA will from this day forward be named Crappy Hour. Not because the pub is in the black hole of fun otherwise known as Bethlehem, PA. But because, as John Wagner and Leslie Pope and a group of friends found out, patrons who don’t pay their gratuity will be arrested for theft.

Arrested for theft? Yup. Even though they weren’t stuffing silverware and pint glasses in their coat pockets. Or putting pitchers of beer on innocent strangers’ tabs. Or making off with extra packets of hand wipes and Sweet ‘N’ Low.

You see, while their server was apparently chain-smoking out back or getting sweaty in the freezer with the busboy, Leslie and John had to wait nearly an hour for their order and even needed to get their own napkins and silverware from a service station.

Our tip would have been a big F-you, too.

The owner of Lehigh’s admitted that the service was worse than deep-fried bar food, but added that it was extremely busy that night. Well, Mr. Lehigh Pub Owner, it doesn’t look like you’ll be having too many busy nights after this debacle.

It’s all Crappy Hours from here on out.

SUCKS TO BE living in the apartment above Madonna

Monday, October 19th, 2009

madonna-in-gautier-bustier-blond-ambition-tour-1992You might be thinking that having Madonna as a neighbor would be pretty awesome. You could bake pies together. You could gossip. You could exchange bustiers. It would be great.

But as it turns out, the Material Girl is louder than the newlyweds next door banging away every five minutes.

According to reports, Madonna is using her Manhattan residence, not for sleeping and cooking and living, but for dancing.  Yep, she’s turned her place into a rehearsal studio, forcing residents to endure blaring music, stomping and shaking walls for hours at a time.

Sucks to have your “CSI: Miami” drowned out by the flapping of pasties all night long

The situation has gotten so bad that one resident, Karen George, has filed a lawsuit to get Madonna to pipe down.

“I just want our neighborhood to get back to normal,” one resident said. “You can barely hear the gunfire on the streets at night.”