You decide: food source or beverage? (Not her cans, you perverts.)
To the Union Bar in Iowa City, I think it’s time you found a new lawyer. Because when your bartenders got slapped for selling Jell-O shots to a minor, attorney George Wittgraf II (the bar owner’s husband) argued that the booze-laced slurpee was a solid food, not an alcoholic beverage.
Sucks that the judge didn’t give you any wiggle room, and now you’re in trouble with Johnny Law.
But man, would that have been friggin’ awesome if the court ruled in favor of your logic. Awesome for drunks everywhere, who would always have the legal precedence to argue that they didn’t drink too much at the wedding, they just ate too much dessert. Awesome for cocaine dealers, who could get off the hook arguing that the stuff in the bag was a powdery plant derivative that makes you uppity, like sugar. Awesome for crackheads, who could make the case that a slab of the good stuff is a naturally occurring igneous rock, most commonly found in the ghetto.
Sucks to be a gelatin lover in a world that’s gone soft.
Poor Warren Strickland. The Fairbanks, Alaska resident had his last shirt-staining double layer Gordita, his last artery-clogging Chalupa Supreme, his last double crunch Taco with the disgusting Cheez-Whiz wedged between the shells.
You see, Warren has been ordered by the courts to keep out of all Taco Bell locations in the universe for an entire year.
The sentence stems from an incident in which he tossed a freshly-made taco at a restaurant employee. Apparently the crack staff behind the counter had gotten his order wrong a couple times — something that rarely happens in the fast food industry.
When Warren went back to have his order corrected, one of the “cooks” allegedly added a slimy green hawker to his replacement taco. Also something that rarely happens in the fast food industry.
When store manager Carol Dzimtrowicz served him up his new taco with the special sauce, Warren went Roger Clemens on her, and returned the item with a little chin music.
So now, Warren Strickland will need to think outside the spicy horsemeat. Which really kind of sucks for the guy. I mean, where’s he gonna get his 4th meal? The guy is going to go to bed starving every single night. He’s going to wake up crying and shaking and eating any morsel he can find. This isn’t Biafra, for God’s sake. This is the good old USA. And Warren’s punishment is the definition of cruel and unusual.
A U.S. District Judge in Los Angeles has ruled in favor of cyberbullies, citing that they have a First Amendment right to be meanieheads online and make other kids cry. The case dealt with a May 2008 incident, in which a YouTube video was posted by a group of 8th grade skanks calling another female student a “spoiled…brat,’’ and other shitty things.
The horsefaced teenwhore behind the video was suspended by school officials for two days. And like the whiny little bitch she is, she took the case to federal court, saying her free speech rights were violated.
Well, Stinky Suzie’s, Peter Puny Pecker’s and Fatty Maddy’s of the world, things look pretty sucky for you at the moment. It’s clear that the name-calling isn’t going to stop. But all hope is not lost.
Our advice is to keep a detailed record of all the ferocious Facebook conversations and YouTube videos that are posted about you. Save them. And wait. Wait a few years until those bullying STD-infested tramps and pillow-biting pricks are applying to college, and kindly send the Admissions Director an “FYI” file of all their tasteless extracurricular activities.
You see, while these immature pieces of crusty catshit may be effectively ruining your life right now, you have the power to fuck up their lives forever. It’s your First Amendment right.
Happy Hour at the Lehigh Pub in Bethlehem, PA will from this day forward be named Crappy Hour. Not because the pub is in the black hole of fun otherwise known as Bethlehem, PA. But because, as John Wagner and Leslie Pope and a group of friends found out, patrons who don’t pay their gratuity will be arrested for theft.
Arrested for theft? Yup. Even though they weren’t stuffing silverware and pint glasses in their coat pockets. Or putting pitchers of beer on innocent strangers’ tabs. Or making off with extra packets of hand wipes and Sweet ‘N’ Low.
You see, while their server was apparently chain-smoking out back or getting sweaty in the freezer with the busboy, Leslie and John had to wait nearly an hour for their order and even needed to get their own napkins and silverware from a service station.
Our tip would have been a big F-you, too.
The owner of Lehigh’s admitted that the service was worse than deep-fried bar food, but added that it was extremely busy that night. Well, Mr. Lehigh Pub Owner, it doesn’t look like you’ll be having too many busy nights after this debacle.
You might be thinking that having Madonna as a neighbor would be pretty awesome. You could bake pies together. You could gossip. You could exchange bustiers. It would be great.
But as it turns out, the Material Girl is louder than the newlyweds next door banging away every five minutes.
According to reports, Madonna is using her Manhattan residence, not for sleeping and cooking and living, but for dancing. Yep, she’s turned her place into a rehearsal studio, forcing residents to endure blaring music, stomping and shaking walls for hours at a time.
Sucks to have your “CSI: Miami” drowned out by the flapping of pasties all night long
The situation has gotten so bad that one resident, Karen George, has filed a lawsuit to get Madonna to pipe down.
“I just want our neighborhood to get back to normal,” one resident said. “You can barely hear the gunfire on the streets at night.”
Providence, Rhode Island City Council is about to pass a law that bans anyone under 18 from performing as professional strippers. Which is really bad news for the girls looking to earn a little money they can turn around and waste on overpriced clothes at Aeropostale.
So, sucks to be you, Ashley and Courtney and Jessi with a heart over the “i”.
Looks like it’s back to the really crappy jobs like flipping greasy burgers at McDonald’s or waiting on a-holes at Denny’s or ringing up white trash crap at Walmart.
Oh, and good luck even getting those jobs. Because with unemployement at 9.8% in the country, chances are your mom and dad will be applying for them too.
Illinois state police have reported that they’ve found more than a ton of reefer in a semitrailer on Interstate 55. It’s the largest truckload of marijuana found in Central Illinois on Interstate 55 in a decade.
It’s also the largest truckload of bummer news for all the potheads in Central Illinois who expected to have another bag of pot by midweek.
“This totally messes with my vibe, bro. What am I supposed do when I wake up tomorrow afternoon? This week’s gonna’ go by even slower than if I were really high,” a local toker responded.
Lt. Fred Winterroth of Illinois State Police District 6 said the marijuana was being transferred to another location for “further investigation.”
“For nine years straight, this crazy old guy has been feeding me this dry shit he calls food,” said Karl, a West Highland Terrier who can’t wait to get his paws on his 86-year-old owner’s cash when he bites the dust.
“He also cut off my balls—so I guess naming me in the trust is his way of apologizing.”
But as you might guess, the pet trust fund law isn’t being as well-received by others. Namely, the bi-ped family members who are getting the shit end of the stick.
It would definitely suck if Daddy Deep Pockets completely cut you out of a trust fund for something that barks at imaginary noises and poops in the backyard. But the truth is, if Karl the Westie ends up as the heir to a fortune over you, then you must truly suck beyond all recognition.
Attention United Airlines, if you’re going to let your clumsy baboon-brained baggage handlers toss around a passenger’s $3400 Taylor guitar and turn it into a worthless pile of Taylor wood chips, you might want to make sure the said passenger doesn’t have another guitar at home. Because he might just decide to write a song about his adventures and then make a music video exposing you as the no-heart, all-thumbs jerks that you are.
Musician/passenger Dave Carroll’s little ditty is called, appropriately enough, “United Breaks Guitars.” The video is funny. And the song ain’t half bad.
Hey, United, you’re probably wishing you broke his video camera, too.
Pictured here: 0.00003% of the trash found at the Mallgren Estate.
White Trash just became a proper noun.
John W. Mallgren and his son, John R. Mallgren, of Mastic Beach, New York are facing almost $20,000 in fees and fines after authorities said they removed 42 tons of trash from their property. Their stinking pile of disgustingness filled 10 garbage trucks—about 85,000 pounds in all.
Unfortunately for society, the Mallgrens weren’t on one of those trucks.
And unfortunately for you Mallgren boys, coming up with $20,000 is going to be damn near impossible now that the 13 rusty, broken-down T-Birds you dreamed of restoring someday have been crushed. All that trash that could have been your treasure, gone.
The Mallgrens could not be immediately reached for comment—we reckon dem fancy telaphones dat work real good is jus too damn ‘xspensive for y’all.
A U.S. District Judge in Los Angeles has ruled in favor of cyberbullies, citing that they have a First Amendment right to be meanieheads online and make other kids cry. The case dealt with 
You might be thinking that having Madonna as a neighbor would be pretty awesome. You could bake pies together. You could gossip. You could exchange bustiers. It would be great.
Providence, Rhode Island City Council is about to
