Archive for the ‘National/World Interest’ Category

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SUCKS TO BE a guy with a blow dryer in Palestine

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

glenn_gray-floydThe Faaaabulous set on the Gaza Strip is pulling their well coiffed hair out today. Why? Because Hamas, the unofficial  fashion police in Palestine, have made it illegal for any man to work at a beauty salon.

For every young boy who dreamed of wielding a blowdryer or giving a perm, this spells trouble. Now their only career choice is grabbing an AK47 and making the entire Middle East nervous as hell.

And for every woman who decides to unwrap the sheet from their head, it’s double sucky. Because when they do, it’s going to be a Lady Gaga sort of Bad Hair Day.

Someone needs to call Amnesty International. Because this kind of style torture just ain’t cool.

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SUCKS TO BE in the same classroom as 3-year-old William Potter, new Mensa member

Thursday, February 18th, 2010
"Na, na, na, na, na, I know fractal geometry."

"Na, na, na, na, na, I know fractal geometry."

Just when Mommy and Daddy started to make you feel so smart about taking your first doody in the potty, three-year-old William Potter comes along with his 140 IQ to make you feel like a total turd.

Willy’s score makes him one of the brightest young chaps in the world and qualified him for Mensa, the club for brainy people.

This little dude’s so intelligent he makes even the gifted and talented students seem as dense as Sarah Palin. While you and all the other marker-sniffers fumble through your ABCs, this kid’s well on his way to becoming fluent in Spanish and Chinese and wooing older chicks who dig the nerd-type.

Mum, Lynn Goldstraw, says of the little Einstein, “He’s like a sponge. You only have to tell him something once and he remembers it.”

Well, Willy Potter, you better remember this: look both ways and don’t talk to guys in white vans with cute puppies. Because if there’s one thing that savants like you tend to get a big fat “F” on the report card of life for, it’s street smarts.

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SUCKS TO BE sexting in China

Monday, February 1st, 2010
Text messages like this, while a real time-saver, are now a memory of the past in China.

Text messages like this, while a real time-saver, are now a memory of the past in China.

Not long ago, the hyper-paranoid and oppressive Commie government of China banned citizens’ access to Facebook and YouTube. Then last year it shut down over 15,000 pornographic websites. And now, it’s going to block vulgar text messages from being sent between mobile phone users.

It sucks a schlong to have absolutely no inspirational material for Slappy Hour.

But amidst all the cancer-causing smog there is a glimmer of hope, our sexually-repressed short Asian friends. You see, your government will never take away your hands because you need them to work 140-hour weeks making lethal dog food and lead-covered children’s toys for Americans. So grab the Jergen’s lotion, draw the blinds, let your imagination go hog-wild and enjoy yourself. Just make sure your phone is off.

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SUCKS TO BE the “clean” coal industry

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

Clean Coal, you had your deceitful, unchecked run for years now. But finally, the jig is up.

Sucks to be exposed as a dirty lie.

And before all you global warming deniers start ripping apart the makers of this video, we ask that you at least be polite. These are the guys that gave us The Big Lebowski, O’ Brother Where Art Thou? and No Country for Old Men.

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SUCKS TO BE in a coma for 23 years…or so the doctors thought

Monday, November 23rd, 2009
Rom-Houben-coma-conscious

"I'd kick someone's ass if I could."

Rom Houben was paralyzed in 1983 after a severe car crash, and has spent the last quarter century stretched out on a gurney in a vegetative coma. He’s 46 years old now. And angrier than a healthcare town hall meeting in the states.

That’s because Rom’s been conscious the entire time. Hi-tech scans performed three years ago showed that his brain was fully functioning and that he could hear everything that was going on. The original diagnosis of coma occurred back in ‘83, when Rom’s eye, verbal and motor responses were assessed with the internationally accepted Glasgow Coma Scale. Needless to say, it appears the test should undergo some testing of its own.

It’s a good thing the smartypants doctors never decided to pull the plug on the poor guy.

Since the “rebirth,” as Rom calls it, therapy has allowed him to tap out messages Stephen-Hawking-style on a computer screen. His latest to doctors: “M-Y–L-A-W-Y-E-R–W-O-U-L-D–L-I-K-E–A–W-O-R-D–W-I-T-H–Y-O-U–I-D-I-O-T-S.”

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SUCKS TO BE an al Shabaab rebel with a Lady Gaga ringtone

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
"Dammit...I spent all my iTunes gift card on these ringtones."

"Dammit...I spent all my iTunes gift card on these ringtones."

A group long known for practicing torture on its enemies has upped the ante on its own people. It seems the head honchos of the al Shabaab insurgency near Mogadishu have ordered all their faithful soldiers to silence their musical ringtones. Now, the only permissible ringy-dingy is the voice of a Muslim cleric reading the Hadith or Koranic verse.

Somebody please call Amnesty International. Or Chad. Because if the guys with shoulder rockets can’t get a little Kanye or Jay-Z when mom calls from the bunker, then the world needs to hit restart.

I mean those ringtones cost $1.99. EACH.

Hey, we all know the folks associated with al Qaeda are pricks, but taking away a man’s tunage is something Osama himself wouldn’t think of.

So, al Shabaab, let your soldiers take their phones off vibrate. Because if you guys had a little more Rihanna, you might not be so mad all the time.

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SUCKS TO BE a visitor at the Isgyvenimo Drama Theme Park

Saturday, October 24th, 2009
"You vant Mickey? He has been sent to Siberia!"

"You vant Mickey? He has been sent to Siberia!"

When mom and dad wake you up on a warm summer morning and say, “We’re going to a theme park, kids!!”  images of rollercoasters and cotton candy and expensive ring toss games immediately come to mind.

It’s fun times a million!

So you jump out of bed and into the car, and plan your day of spinning and twirling and laughing out loud!

Until the folks pull up to the Isgyvenimo Drama Theme Park, that is. Because this theme park’s theme happens to be the Terror of Communism. Yes, Communism.

No Witches Wheel or Spin ‘n Tosses here. This park treats you to gas masks, stale Soviet food and concentration-camp-style interrogation and medical checks.

I mean, what could be more fun for the family than mental abuse and starvation? Sure, one might consider standing in line for 2 hours to ride a 30-second coaster  torture in itself. But at least you can slurp a Slushy out of a cool twisty straw while you’re waiting.

So our advice to those Ruskies booking their reservations at the Isgyvenimo Hotel  & Suites, save your $220. That’s probably worth a couple house payments in your neck of the woods.

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SUCKS TO BE under the protection of the Budaors police

Friday, October 16th, 2009
"I'm about to hit the jackpot, too."

"I'm about to hit the jackpot, too."

Welcome to Day 2 of Vulnerable Citizens of the World. Today, we head to Budaors, Hungary where law enforcement officers aren’t necessarily incompetent, like the Australians. They’re filthy stinking rich.

You see, earlier this week,  every member of the 15-person police force  pitched in a few hundred forints and bought some lottery tickets. And wouldn’t you know it, they won. Ten million pounds. In Hungary, that kind of cash can buy you a lifetime supply of Palinka and all the fat, mustached hookers your heart desires.

Understanding this, the officers turned in their badges as soon as the numbers were announced, leaving the frightened people of Budaors without a single crime stopper to protect them.

Sucks to be you, Budaorians. Sure you might be thinking, “Awesome…we can drive our 1975 Volkswagens as fast as we want and never get a ticket.” But it’s not going to be all fun and games. Who you gonna call when you lock your keys in that rattletrap? Who you gonna call when some masked man steals your stash of polka albums and your “I Visited Transylvania and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” t-shirt?

Right. It’s not going to be pretty, Boglarka. So, go make a slingshot or something. Because you’re gonna need a weapon. And that pot of goulash doesn’t count.

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SUCKS TO BE a poker chip

Monday, September 21st, 2009
If you've seen this girl, call authorities immediately.

If you've seen this girl, call authorities immediately.

Ismail Sheikh, of eastern India, really, really sucks at cards. He also really, really sucks at parenting. You see, when Mr. Sheikh lost all of his money during a game with the guys, he didn’t accept his defeat, grab a beer, and retreat to the man cave to fantasize about Suzy Kolber on ESPN.

Instead he threw his daughter into the pot.

And when he lost his bid for a straight on the River, he lost his lovely 18-year-old offspring too.

Um, Ismail, before you walk into your grass hut version of the Bellagio and squander away the rest of your clan, you might want to brush up on the finer points of bluffing and raising. Because when all the kids and the wives and the goats are gone, you’re on your own. And the only card game you’ll be able to play is Solitaire. Which you probably suck at, too.

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SUCKS TO BE living in a cave for 8 years

Friday, September 11th, 2009

osama_bin_laden_070425_mnSucks to be you, Osama bin Laden. You want to go and be the world’s biggest dickhead murderer since Hitler, fine. Then you get to spend every waking hour living in the dank, spider-filled cave eating meal worms and Afghan beetles.

You want to put the world into a big clusterfuck of a panic? Great. Then you get to spend the rest of your life trying to dodge machine gun fire and laser guided missles.

Hope the trade-off was worth it, asshole. Because while you’re trying to keep your nice white dress from getting bat crap all over it, we’re getting on with our lives.

We’re rebuilding. We’re remembering. We’re forging on. And, oh, yeah, we’re still looking for you.

So, on this, the eighth anniversary of 9/11, we have but one thing to say: Have a sucky day.

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