Archive for the ‘Perverts’ Category

« Older Entries

SUCKS TO BE pulled over for dildoing and driving

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

bildeWe all know you shouldn’t drink and drive. Or text and drive. But apparently, not all of us knew you couldn’t  do yourself  with a huge honkin’ love toy and drive.

That’s what one woman was doing when an Elmwood Place police officer pulled her over for having tinted windows. (I think we can all guess why they were tinted now).

When cop went to ask the driver for her license, he saw a pantyless woman with a  love toy dangling from her cooch, while her boyfriend in the passenger seat rolled hard core porn off the laptop.
Sucks to be that far from a bedroom.

The woman was cited for “inappropriate alertness” and “failure to find the G spot.”

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in General Suckiness, Perverts | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE rejected by eHarmony.com

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

a97151_g101_6-match-makin2Wonder if he’s tried prostitutes.com?  That answer might work better there.

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Dumbasses, Perverts | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE The New Beginnings Ministries, the church with mad strippers at your door

Monday, August 9th, 2010

When the congregation at the New Beginnings Ministries church in Warsaw, Ohio picketed the local strip joint, they never figured their morally bankrupt neighbors would return the favor. But that’s exactly what they did. As the Bible thumpers approached their church on Sunday morning, they were greeted by some thong-wearing, garter-stuffed, boob-enhanced babes who were mad as hell and weren’t going to take it anymore.

Tommy George, owner of the Foxhole strip club and local businessman of the year, says he and his employees decided to picket the church because they were fed up. George says the church’s pastor, Bill Dunfee, and his congregation continually bothered them, standing at his door with bullhorns, signs and video cameras for posting customers’ license plate numbers online.

So Tommy decided to take his act on the road, and show the church some of God’s other creatures, who as far as we know, He still loves.

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Perverts | 1 Comment »

SUCKS TO BE Matthew Navaie, perv targeting unsuspecting women at Target

Friday, July 30th, 2010

MatthewNavaie

If I were a woman and if I ever wanted a pervert to violate me by taking upskirt photos of my goods while I scoped out some fabric softener sheets at Target, I would hope that the pervert looked a lot like Pierce Brosnan. Hell, Seth Rogen snapping shots of my granny panties would be flattering compared to this evolutionary masterpiece.

But as the ugly story goes, Sherwood, Oregon police officers arrested 22-year-old Matthew Navaie on Wednesday night after Target security cameras caught him trespassing on innocent ladies’ no-no zones. (Check out the surveillance video here.)

Take a good look at him, and it’s clear that the only thing he’s ever getting near a woman’s crotch is his cell phone camera.

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Perverts | 1 Comment »

SUCKS TO BE surfing Playboy online

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010
Who does he think he is, our dad?

Who does he think he is, our dad?

Hugh Hefner and the boys at Playboy have announced the launching of a new Playboy website that has everything you want — except nekkid hotties.

Yes, the folks who introduced every red-blooded American perv to the female anatomy, is taking away pictures of  wannabe models and porn stars shimmering in oil and replacing them with words.

Don’t we already have a website like that? I think it’s called CNN.

Anyway, it seems  the gang at Playboy wants to give us a site that is safe for the workplace. What they fail to realize is we’re pretty good at hiding raunchy, compnay-handbook-breaking stuff like that now. We’ve had years of experience. We know how to open an extra tab with a spread sheet on it. We know how to hit “Clear History.” We know how to say, “Yeah, I must have mis-typed dowjones.com.”

We have adapted, Hugh. So give us back the the nudity and the freaky sexual positions. We can’t work without it.

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Perverts | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE killed by a porn movie

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010
The killer

The killer

There are a lot of ways to go. But this might be the strangest. Nicola Paginton, a 30-year-old nanny from England died of heart arrhythmia brought on by her self-induced state of sexual arousal.

Yep Ron Jeremy and a vibrating wand conspired to kill her.

Granted, there are suckier ways to kick the bucket. But to be found by the coroner with your g-string down to your ankles and an ElectroDix still trying to mount you, that’s a pretty crappy way to say goodbye to the world.

And the suckiest part of it all? The movie was a one-day rental. And we’re pretty sure she’s not going to get it back in time.

Sucks to have late fees.

Tags: , , ,
Posted in General Suckiness, Perverts | 1 Comment »

SUCKS TO BE a spectator at the Wreck Beach North American Skinnydip

Monday, July 12th, 2010

nudist-beach_400x250Be aware if you’re planning a family trip to the beach in Vancouver, Britsh Columbia. The Wreck Beach Preservation Society will be attempting to break the Guinness world record for mass skinny dipping.

I don’t know about you, but with the exception of Shania Twain and Avril Lavigne, there aren’t many Canucks I’d want to see in their birthday suits.  I mean the puffy mass of Molson bellies tattered with scars from pick up hockey games and bar fights is enough to make anyone go blind.

We here at STBY love our friends in the Great White North. But, quite honesty, we like you better with your Wayne Gretzky sweaters and your Dudley Doright knickers on.

So, do the world a favor, Wreck Beach Preservation Society. Cancel your temporary nudist colony and preserve our lunches from being hurled into the Pacific.

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in General Suckiness, Perverts, Public Humiliation | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE recuperating in a pornographic hospital

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010
"That's DOCTOR Ron Jeremy to you."

"That's DOCTOR Ron Jeremy to you."

There you are in your antiseptic-smelling hospital bed, trying to ease the bedpan under your ass, when all of a sudden, some hot nurse with fake boobs walks in, strips down to her thong and starts giving the guy next to you a peculiar sort of resuscitation.

At first, you think it might be the painkillers making you delirious. Until you hear some guy yell, “Cut!” and see a mustachioed patient with six-pack abs wrap a towel around his tent pole and go over to get his make-up reapplied.

Then it occurs to you. You’re in the middle of a porn movie.

That’s what many English patients could be experiencing as one hospital in that country has rented out its space to a bump-and-grind film company.

Sucks to be treated by Dr. Dick Hardalday.

For the real patients with open wounds and exploding gallbladders, being an extra in the remake of “Shaving Ryan’s Privates” is not best way to get back to full health. Although we must admit, if government-run healthcare gets you naked, horny nurses, it might not be totally bad.

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Perverts | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE displaying a beaver with a beaver

Tuesday, July 6th, 2010

1278385773.

The townsfolk of Bemidji, Minnesota are all aghast. When the city council asked area artist Deborah Davis to paint the town’s beaver statue, they never imagined she’d go porn. But when she unveiled her beaver to the public all anyone could see was a large vagina emblazoned on its stomach.

Oops.

Deborah claims the cooch everyone was seeing was actually a drawing of two hands praying.

OK, Deb, whatever you say.

Honestly, it looks like labia, to us.

Because the entire town of Bemidji apparently has a dirty mind, Deborah’s beaver has been removed from the public display, and Deborah, we imagine, will be cited for distributing porn.

Sucks to live in a town of artistic prudes.

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in General Suckiness, Perverts | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE a chemically-castrated pedophile

Thursday, June 10th, 2010
"Please unzip your trousers, Mr. Pervert. We have a going-away present for you."

"Please unzip your trousers, Mr. Pervert. We have a going-away present for you."

If you’re trolling schoolyards in Gdansk looking for a date, heed this warning: If Cindy Luhoo tells, your balls are going to burn like hell.

A new law in Poland requires that all convicted pedophiles be “chemically castrated” before being released from prison.

We’re not sure if they toss a beaker full of hydrochloric acid in your boxers or make you drink the worst cocktail of all time, but the effects are the same: You are never horny again.

Sucks to be fixed.

The law, of course, is horrible news for European priests and anyone named Roman Polanski, who are going to quickly discover that penicillin ain’t gonna get rid of stinging weenie this time.

Viagra anyone?

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Perverts | 1 Comment »

« Older Entries