Archive for the ‘Perverts’ Category

SUCKS TO BE buying salami from the Safeway at 707 South Boulder Road in Louisville, CO

Monday, March 1st, 2010
Where's the beef? Well, in fact, it's right here, Miss.

Where's the beef? Well, in fact, it's right here.

Nicholas Lorenzo, 25, was arrested recently after a woman told police that when she approached the meat counter at a local Safeway, she noticed the meat-man was playing with his man-meat.

Sucks to have that revolting image pop into your head for the rest of your life every time you chomp into a turkey and Swiss.

But you’ve gotta admit, lady, it blows way worse to be the thousands of people who got their deli delights from the Salami Slapper before you caught him with his pants down. Because they never got the chance to say, “Hold the mayo.”

SUCKS TO BE frostbitten for doing cartwheels in your undies

Monday, February 15th, 2010
Not pictured here: what a frostbitten cooch looks like.

Not pictured here: what a frostbitten cooch looks like.

A high school girl in northern Sweden is recovering from frostbite after doing cartwheels in the snow in her bra and panties at a student union organized event on December 22. The school principal said he learned of the girl’s injuries via a phone call from her mother earlier this month.

Now, we understand that some of you may think it pretty awesome to have Swedish babes doing tumbling routines half-naked in fields of snow. But on this particular day, it was -13 degrees Celsius. Which in Fahrenheit is colder than a snowman stabbing his own eyes out with an icicle.

And besides, what kind of school-sponsored event would promote 16 to 19 year-old girls prancing around in snowkinis? Sounds to us like the principal of the school—who admits to giving advance approval of the event—needs an ice cold shower and an embarrassing visit from Chris Hansen.

He also needs a cold dose of reality. Say, a trip to the US of A, where a pederast like him would be slapped with a lawsuit so huge his dick would shrivel into his liver.

SUCKS TO BE hard up for tuition

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

collegeIf you think it’s difficult paying for college in the states, try enrolling in New Zealand.

It’s gotten so bad, that one co-ed-to-be has  taken to Internet prostitution to pay for school. As the ‘rents always said, “If your brains can’t get you into college, use your vajayjay.”

The 19-year-old girl, who only goes by Unigirl, is auctioning off her cooter to the highest bidder. And when the bell sounded, Unigirl and her Unipie raked in a whopping $32,000.

$32,000? That’s it? Big fatsos whose only skill is putting on a helmet get more than that. And in this day and age, that romp in the hay with Mr. Oldfart isn’t going to get you much past the hazing at the Delta Pi sorority.

College is expensive. And once you get there, they guys aren’t going to shell out $32K to get inside your pants. The going rate on campus is a couple of dirty martinis and the promise to call you in the morning.

So if you want to get the full four-year college experience, put a few more ads on the Internet or take out a student loan. Either way, you’re getting screwed.

SUCKS TO BE sexting in China

Monday, February 1st, 2010
Text messages like this, while a real time-saver, are now a memory of the past in China.

Text messages like this, while a real time-saver, are now a memory of the past in China.

Not long ago, the hyper-paranoid and oppressive Commie government of China banned citizens’ access to Facebook and YouTube. Then last year it shut down over 15,000 pornographic websites. And now, it’s going to block vulgar text messages from being sent between mobile phone users.

It sucks a schlong to have absolutely no inspirational material for Slappy Hour.

But amidst all the cancer-causing smog there is a glimmer of hope, our sexually-repressed short Asian friends. You see, your government will never take away your hands because you need them to work 140-hour weeks making lethal dog food and lead-covered children’s toys for Americans. So grab the Jergen’s lotion, draw the blinds, let your imagination go hog-wild and enjoy yourself. Just make sure your phone is off.

SUCKS TO BE a small-breasted woman looking for a drink

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Picture 4An English bar called OverEasy has a fresh new approach to getting women into their establishment — give them free drinks based on their breast size.

The promotion, cleverly called “Fill My Cups,”  gives women with A-cups one free drink, B-cups two and C-cups three.  D-cups get the grand prize of a free bottle of vodka.

We can only assume that a fake set of pre-fab Pamela Andersons gets you a lifetime supply of upside-down margaritas.

Judging for the event will be “a visual only assessment.” No touching. No fondling. Until the D-cuppers down the bottle of Stoly and are rendered unconscious. Then it’s game on, we presume.

And for the less-blessed, it’s yet another sober night pretending to have fun picking out songs on the juke box.

Sucks to live in a world of drunken discrimination.  It’s bad enough that you had to bear the embarrassment of wearing the cut off t-shirt as a bra in high school.  And it totally sucked that you were disqualified from every wet t-shirt contest in Daytona Beach.

But this? This is just wrong. So if you’re planning on hitting the OverEasy, bring a wad of cash, because the drinks are expensive for girls like you.

SUCKS TO BE The Beaver Magazine, victim of the Internet’s dirty mind

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

17421_logoSince 1920, the venerable Beaver Magazine has been celebrating Canadian culture, history and natural treasures.

But apparently, with all this new-fangled technology, the mag is suffering a bit of an identity crisis. It seems that porn surfers are flocking to their site looking for content that’s more south of the border, if you know what we mean. And when they see pictures of polar bears on ice floes and Cunucks with curling brooms, they’re a bit confused.

Spam filters are equally confused, and are making it a habit of blocking the pub’s online e-newsletters.

“To be perfectly blunt about it, ‘The Beaver’ was an impediment on the Internet,” said Deborah Morrison, president of Canada’s National History Society. “Unfortunately, sometimes words take on an identity that wasn’t intended in 1920, when it was all about the fur trade.”

Yo, World Wide Web, don’t you think you’re being a little hard on the Beaver?

In an effort to avoid a constant stream of pantless old men clogging up the complaint lines, The Beaver is changing its name.

New monikers under consideration include: The Bearded Clam Magazine (to celebrate Canada’s rich history of seafood), Muff Magazine (to honor Canada’s advancements in cold-weather gear), and Axe Wound Magazine (to celebrate the country’s lumberjacking trade).

SUCKS TO BE Annette Bening, Warren Beatty’s 12,775th lover

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
At this year's Oscars, it's rumored Warren Beatty will receive a Lifetime Achievement Award for Doing Everything.

At this year's Oscars, it's rumored Warren Beatty will receive a Lifetime Achievement Award for Doing Everything.

When average pricks brag about how many chicks they’ve poked in their lifetime, one can reasonably assume that they’re exaggerating the figure by at least three. And if large quantities of beer are inspiring the storytelling, guaranteed, the number’s been inflated by at least six. Sometimes considerably more, depending on how big of a dick the romp-and-teller is.

But when a famous stud like Warren Beatty boasts in a tell-all biography that he’s whored around with 12,775 women since age 20, for some reason you believe the fucker. (Quickie math: that’s one new woman a day for 35 years in a row.) Using another sausage analogy, no one doubts Kobayashi can choke down 59 weiners in 12 minutes. Your buddy who says he can eat 12 in 12 minutes? LIAR!

But if you’re Annette Bening, accepting your hubba-hubba-hubby’s frank honesty sucks a big one. Sure, he’s told thousands of legends on his quest to become one. But as certain as it is, Annette, that you need to see your gynecologist immediately, you are most definitely Warren Beatty’s 12,775th notch in the belt.

Kinda makes when he says, “You’re the one,” seem like an exaggeration.

SUCKS TO BE accosted by the butt sniffing shopper

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

As weird fetishes go, this one is right up there with people who iron their underwear and follow Ashton Kutcher on twitter . It’s called incognito stock boy butt sniffing.

So far, there is one reported case in the world. And wouldn’t ‘cha know it, we here at STBY have found it.

The man in question, as you will see, attempts to get a whiff of the grocery store employee’s hind parts up to 20 different times. His attempts to follow him down the aisle while pretending to check out the eggs and the orange juice and bread is quite entertaining… er… disturbing.

SUCKS TO BE arrested for getting a case of the backdoor trots

Thursday, November 5th, 2009
Why the constipated look, David?

Why the constipated look, David?

David Todd Napodano, a 42-year-old Florida man, was arrested this week for exposing himself to a mom and her daughter in a Chevrolet box-truck van in a store parking lot.

His excuse? “Explosive diarrhea.” The kind that rumbles and is ready to roll in mere seconds, causing one to break out in a sweat, panic and sprint to the nearest place of relief like the poop police are after you.

But the mortified women’s report contains a detail that calls his story into question: Napodano allegedly stood up in his van and shook his hips at them. Now I don’t know about you, but the last thing I’d be doing if I had a serious case of the runs would be standing up. That’s just asking for a hot messy accident, especially considering how much upholstery is in a box-truck van.

According to police, upon examining Napodano’s underwear, no evidence of uncontrolled bowels was present. So unless he had a bad spat with invisible diahrrea, it appears Napodano is completely full of shit.

SUCKS TO BE a public figure caught in your car in a cemetery with a stripper and sex toys

Friday, October 30th, 2009
Roland-Corning-still

Yeah, if I had a naked stripper in my car, I'd be smiling too.

US Deputy Assistant Attorney-General Roland Corning is now former US Deputy Assistant Attorney-General Roland Corning.

It seems that the people in charge of picking US Deputy Assistant Attorney-Generals in South Carolina like their candidates to have a little more discretion and a little less T and A in their car.

Clearly, Roland didn’t fit the bill. You see, earlier this week he was caught parked in a cemetery with an 18-year-old-barely-legal stripper. And when he was discovered, he not only had the tart’s boobs in his possession, he also had a bag full of sex toys.

Apparently, the Ron Jeremy of law enforcement wanted to conduct one of his patented body cavity searches. The police had other ideas.

No charges were filed. But Roland’s bosses were mighty pissed, and gave him and his bottle of Viagra the boot.

You’d think that in a state where governors go off to Argentina to shack up on the tax payers’ dime, a horndog like Roland would only get a slap on the wrist and maybe one of those bullshit paid administrative leave things.  But, it seems the handcuffs, the tub of KY and an audience of dead people was a little too much for them to bear.

Sucks to live in a state of prudes, doesn’t it Roland?