If I were a woman and if I ever wanted a pervert to violate me by taking upskirt photos of my goods while I scoped out some fabric softener sheets at Target, I would hope that the pervert looked a lot like Pierce Brosnan. Hell, Seth Rogen snapping shots of my granny panties would be flattering compared to this evolutionary masterpiece.

But as the ugly story goes, Sherwood, Oregon police officers arrested 22-year-old Matthew Navaie on Wednesday night after Target security cameras caught him trespassing on innocent ladies’ no-no zones. (Check out the surveillance video here.)

Take a good look at him, and it’s clear that the only thing he’s ever getting near a woman’s crotch is his cell phone camera.

Who does he think he is, our dad?

Hugh Hefner and the boys at Playboy have announced the launching of a new Playboy website that has everything you want — except nekkid hotties.

Yes, the folks who introduced every red-blooded American perv to the female anatomy, is taking away pictures of  wannabe models and porn stars shimmering in oil and replacing them with words.

Don’t we already have a website like that? I think it’s called CNN.

Anyway, it seems  the gang at Playboy wants to give us a site that is safe for the workplace. What they fail to realize is we’re pretty good at hiding raunchy, compnay-handbook-breaking stuff like that now. We’ve had years of experience. We know how to open an extra tab with a spread sheet on it. We know how to hit “Clear History.” We know how to say, “Yeah, I must have mis-typed dowjones.com.”

We have adapted, Hugh. So give us back the the nudity and the freaky sexual positions. We can’t work without it.

The killer

There are a lot of ways to go. But this might be the strangest. Nicola Paginton, a 30-year-old nanny from England died of heart arrhythmia brought on by her self-induced state of sexual arousal.

Yep Ron Jeremy and a vibrating wand conspired to kill her.

Granted, there are suckier ways to kick the bucket. But to be found by the coroner with your g-string down to your ankles and an ElectroDix still trying to mount you, that’s a pretty crappy way to say goodbye to the world.

And the suckiest part of it all? The movie was a one-day rental. And we’re pretty sure she’s not going to get it back in time.

Sucks to have late fees.

I don’t know about you, but with the exception of Shania Twain and Avril Lavigne, there aren’t many Canucks I’d want to see in their birthday suits.  I mean the puffy mass of Molson bellies tattered with scars from pick up hockey games and bar fights is enough to make anyone go blind.

We here at STBY love our friends in the Great White North. But, quite honesty, we like you better with your Wayne Gretzky sweaters and your Dudley Doright knickers on.

So, do the world a favor, Wreck Beach Preservation Society. Cancel your temporary nudist colony and preserve our lunches from being hurled into the Pacific.

"That's DOCTOR Ron Jeremy to you."

There you are in your antiseptic-smelling hospital bed, trying to ease the bedpan under your ass, when all of a sudden, some hot nurse with fake boobs walks in, strips down to her thong and starts giving the guy next to you a peculiar sort of resuscitation.

At first, you think it might be the painkillers making you delirious. Until you hear some guy yell, “Cut!” and see a mustachioed patient with six-pack abs wrap a towel around his tent pole and go over to get his make-up reapplied.

Then it occurs to you. You’re in the middle of a porn movie.

That’s what many English patients could be experiencing as one hospital in that country has rented out its space to a bump-and-grind film company.

Sucks to be treated by Dr. Dick Hardalday.

For the real patients with open wounds and exploding gallbladders, being an extra in the remake of “Shaving Ryan’s Privates” is not best way to get back to full health. Although we must admit, if government-run healthcare gets you naked, horny nurses, it might not be totally bad.

The townsfolk of Bemidji, Minnesota are all aghast. When the city council asked area artist Deborah Davis to paint the town’s beaver statue, they never imagined she’d go porn. But when she unveiled her beaver to the public all anyone could see was a large vagina emblazoned on its stomach.

Oops.

Deborah claims the cooch everyone was seeing was actually a drawing of two hands praying.

OK, Deb, whatever you say.

Honestly, it looks like labia, to us.

Because the entire town of Bemidji apparently has a dirty mind, Deborah’s beaver has been removed from the public display, and Deborah, we imagine, will be cited for distributing porn.

Sucks to live in a town of artistic prudes.

"Please unzip your trousers, Mr. Pervert. We have a going-away present for you."

If you’re trolling schoolyards in Gdansk looking for a date, heed this warning: If Cindy Luhoo tells, your balls are going to burn like hell.

A new law in Poland requires that all convicted pedophiles be “chemically castrated” before being released from prison.

We’re not sure if they toss a beaker full of hydrochloric acid in your boxers or make you drink the worst cocktail of all time, but the effects are the same: You are never horny again.

Sucks to be fixed.

The law, of course, is horrible news for European priests and anyone named Roman Polanski, who are going to quickly discover that penicillin ain’t gonna get rid of stinging weenie this time.

Viagra anyone?

Let the nightmares begin.

That’s right, in this quaint little town, a pickup truck hauling women in pasties and thongs could be seen roaming the streets and making old men wreck their cars into telephone poles.

But, sadly, this little piece of  culture is gone. Banned by a city council  made up of Puritans, Amish and guys named Falwell.

Sucks to live in a town run by eunuchs.

Apparently people found the striptease act during rush hour a bit of  a traffic-jam maker. Sort of like slowing down to watch a car wreck, only the moans coming out of the vehicle sound a little hotter.

Not all the residents are happy about the new anti-obscenity law. As one gentleman put it, “They let those damn Smart Cars on the road, and what kind of pussy piece of crap could be more offensive than that?”

An entire truckload of inventory from the Lover’s Lane Sex Shop in Detroit is missing.

And by missing, we mean stolen. Yes, somewhere in the Greater Detroit area there is one hell of a key party going on. Which is great news for the perp who managed to get away with the love stuff, but very sucky news for everyone else in Michigan.

What this Ron Jeremy wannabe failed to realize is that he is taking away from Detroiters the only real pleasure they have left. Unemployment is like 134%. The Lions suck. And Eminem, quite frankly, is as over the hill as The Backstreet Boys.

And now these fine people have to do it with nothing but their original equipment?

Sucks to live in a town where one guy gets all the fun.