Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

SUCKS TO BE John Mantooth—bad dad, bad candidate

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010
The actual 1/4 page print ad that ran in the local Oklahoma newspaper.

The actual 1/4 page print ad that ran in the local Oklahoma newspaper. The gist of the copy reads: "DO NOT VOTE FOR MY DAD! JOHN MANTOOTH is NOT a good father, NOT a good grandfather & in my opinion, a review of his 37 year record as an attorney in Cleveland, Garvin and McClain Counties reveals that HE WOULD NOT BE A GOOD JUDGE! For more information, go to www.dontvoteformydad.com." Ouch.

Typically when you’re running for public office, the kitchen sink attack ads come from your soulless opponent. You’ve seen ‘em before. “Don’t vote for this guy, or your family will die in a nuclear holocaust.” Or the more racy, “Don’t vote for this guy – he’s into gay hookers and meth.”

But then there’s the ad that your spiteful daughter runs in your local newspaper where you’re running for judge, “Don’t vote for my dad because he sucks at life.”

Well, that about sums up what McClain County judicial hopeful John Mantooth’s daughter and son-in-law said in a quarter-page advertisement. The venomous piece also features a picture of the daughter’s family, highlights cases in which Mantooth has been sued and lists a website the couple started to put the screws in even deeper, dontvoteformydad.com.

Mantooth is defending himself, though, saying that the daughter’s grudge stems from the 1981 divorce between him and the girl’s mother.

Sorry, chief, but it’s been 29 years and your offspring still haven’t forgiven you? You must be a humongous asshole.

SUCKS TO BE defeated in an election by a dead guy

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
Mayor-elect Geary giving his acceptance speech

Mayor-elect Geary giving his acceptance speech

There is no shortage of crappy political candidates in this country. We’ve got Congressional page gropers. We’ve got prostitute-loving, wife humiliators.  And we’ve got enough party-hugging, do-nothing impotents to fill, well, the House of Representatives.

But how bad to you have to be to lose your seat as Mayor to a corpse?

Just ask Barbara Brock, former head honcho of Tracy City, Tennessee, who lost in a landslide to Carl Robin Geary Sr., a guy who had been sitting at room temperature for two months.

Apparently, the people of Tracy City were so fed up with Mayor Brock’s stand on the issues, her voting record and her constant breathing that they decided to go in another direction.

“If he were to run again next week I’d vote for him again,” Chris Rogers, owner of the town’s Lunch Box restaurant, said to reporters.

In the voters’ eyes, a  politician with an inactive, decaying brain is better than a politician with an idiotic brain. Take note Congress — your jobs are officially on the line.

SUCKS TO BE a public figure with a porn star’s name

Monday, March 29th, 2010
"Hi there, Miss Swallows. I'm here to help fix that broken shower head you called about."

"Hi there, Miss Swallows. I'm here to help fix that broken shower head you called about."

What do former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, golf legend Tiger Woods and Republican Senator Roy Assburn…er…Ashburn have in common?

Porn.

Yup, porn. Although none of them are currently starring in adult films, they could easily penetrate the fucking-for-pay industry without even having to take on a fake moniker.

The newest member of the I’m-famous-and-my-name-should-have-tipped-you-off-to-the-fact-that-I’m-sexually-deviant club? Republican Chairman Michael Steele.

A piece that went public by The Daily Caller’s Jonathan Strong today indicates that Steele drops some serious jack when he travels, especially at Voyeur West Hollywood, a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers that perform girl-on-girl sex.

On Yelp, here’s how one reviewer describes his time at the stimulating Voyeur West Hollywood, “This club is amazing. There are topless ‘dancers’ acting out S&M scenes throughout the night on one of the side stages, there’s a half-naked girl hanging from a net across the ceiling and at one point I walked to the bathroom and pretty much just stopped dead in my tracks to watch two girls simulating oral sex in a glass case.”

Sounds like the kind of place where they really value conservative, Christian family values.

Mr. Steele, it sure sucks to have chosen the public life as your career path. Because if all you wanted to do is screw people all day long, your name could have provided you many opportunities outside of politics.

SUCKS TO BE the poodle in the tinfoil hat

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Poodle-tinfoil-hat-glenn-beckIn just a few short weeks since its Feb. 8 birth, the poorly Photoshopped poodle in the conspiracy-theorist tinfoil hat that was looking to amass more Facebook fans than Glenn Beck accumulated nearly 300,000 followers. But as it turns out, the Facebook fuzz were none too pleased with the bitch’s rabid rise to fame—so they “publish-blocked” the page.

No more post updates or soliciting fans in other Facebooky ways. And absolutely no more making poor Glenn Beck feel inferior to a canine.

Facebook’s explanation (see below) for disciplining the pooch is essentially that a fan page needs to be devoted to some kind of real commercial enterprise. Meaning the page needs to be a legitimate channel for a business or cause. You know, like these:

Thanks for making your policy clear as the driven snow, Facebook. Voting for dogs is bad. Megatron on birth certificates, good. Disliking Nickleback, fucking perfect (really, it is).

Sucks to be dog that can’t bark at someone it doesn’t like.

Facebook's notification.

Facebook's notification.

SUCKS TO BE Roy Ashburn (R-California), yet another queer-hating queer

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Sucks to be arrested for a DUI when you’re a Senator.

Sucks to be arrested for a DUI when you’re a Senator leaving a gay nightclub.

Sucks to be arrested for a DUI when you’re a Senator leaving a gay nightclub which you shouldn’t be at because you are publicly known as a fierce opponent of gay rights.

Sucks to be you, Hypocrite Roy Ashburn (R-California). Because you are so never going to get laid by another dude again.

SUCKS TO BE a history class flunkie

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

swastika_obama_golf

Vandals in Massachusetts thought they were making a bold political statement by carving a swastika alongside “OBAMA.” Instead, they simply showed the world what a bunch of dipshits they are.

First off, geniuses, you drew the swastika backwards. So instead of inferring how Hitler-like you bethink the half-black, half-white, un-Aryan Obama to be, you carved an eastern religious symbol that means “hope” and “peace” in some countries.

Either way, your slogan makes absolutely no fucking sense. Whether it’s “I ‘Nazi’ Obama,” or, “I ‘peace’ Obama,” your ignorance is astounding.

Our advice to douchebaggers…er…teabaggers like you is instead of trying to make history, try getting a passing grade in freshman world history first.

SUCKS TO BE Eric Brewer, soon-to-be former mayor of East Cleveland

Thursday, September 24th, 2009

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East Cleveland mayoral incumbent Eric J. Brewer, it sucks to be you.

Not because you’re currently the head honcho of East Cleveland, a city rife with poverty, unemployment, crime and other social ills.

But because over three dozen photos allegedly of you in women’s lingerie just went public.

Now, we at STBY aren’t knocking fetishes. We understand that missionary doesn’t quite cut it for everyone. But for fuck’s sake, Miss Brewer, you hold public office. Haven’t you learned any lessons from Detroit’s Kwame Kilpatrick, the infamous sexting mayor? Leave a digital trail of your pervy tendencies, and you’re gonna get exposed.

Unfortunately for our eyes, you were.

SUCKS TO BE missing your finger after a health care protest

Friday, September 4th, 2009

Exclusively from KTLA-TV in Thousand Oaks, California comes another story about a health care town hall debacle.

But the front lines of this battle featured a whole lot more than just shouting and yelling and falsehood-propagating. At this rally, a 65-year-old man who opposes health care reform lost his finger.

His pinky to be exact.

After being bit by a rabid supporter of reform and bleeding all over the place and realizing his need for health care, “The man took his finger and walked to [the nearest] hospital.”

We at STBY sincerely hope that the 9-fingered protester has health insurance to cover the costs of re-attaching his severed appendage. We hope that the hospital is in network, or that’s gonna be one sucky bill from the ER. And we really hope he has no pre-existing pinky problems that would prompt his health insurance company to reject his missing pinky claim.

Then again, pinkies may just be a privilege. Not a right.

Thanks to John Rekoumis at johnrekoumis.com for this sucky lead.

SUCKS TO BE Fox News, the most geographically-challenged media outlet

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009
Congratulations on your new home, Egypt! Have you met your next door neighbor, Mahmoud Ahmadinecrazyfucker?

Congratulations on your new home, Egypt! Have you met your next door neighbor, Mahmoud Ahmadinecrazyfucker?

In the July 27 edition of Fox News’ The Live Desk, which claims to deliver “the most accurate breaking news first,” war lovers across America received a groundbreaking report: Egypt is now Iraq. Yes, while we’ve been busy re-shifting our focus to kicking some Taliban ass in Afghanistan, King Tut and company apparently went through the back door and claimed Saddam’s former kingdom from the U.S. of A.

And while it sucks to be you, Fox News, for being so immensely ignorant, myopic and careless with your fair and balanced misinformation, we at STBY think it would suck a whole lot worse to be the new Egypt.

Good luck resolving the 1,500 year-old bloodbath between the Shiites and Sunnis. If we could depart any knowledge to you from our 6-year failed attempt at peace, well, we’d simply tell you to run like an Egyptian.

SUCKS TO BE the unopposed candidate who actually loses

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
Hmmm...Holocaust revisionist or nobody? I vote for nobody.

Hmmm...Holocaust revisionist or nobody? I vote for nobody.

When you enter an election with nobody running against you, your odds of winning are somewhere in the vicinity of 100%. Maybe more.

Which is particularly embarrassing news to Ken Meyercord, who was up for an at-large seat on the Reston (Virginia) Citizens Association’s volunteer board.

Meyercord lost to what amounts to your kid’s imaginary friend.  The final vote count: Ken Meyercord 23, Puff the Magic Dragon 1,157. And you only have to look at the official STBY exit polls to understand why.

41.3% disagreed with him on his stance on raising the price in the parking meters.

52.1% disagreed with him on Thursday trash pick-up

And 100.00% disagreed with his view that the Holocaust was a hoax.

You see, Meyercord is a full-fledged Holocaust revisionist. He’s a guy who thinks that the Nazi concentration camps were nothing more than a place to light the Coleman and do some hiking. He’s a guy who thinks Adolf Hitler wasn’t all that bad, if you got to know him. And he wasn’t afraid to speak his pathetic, uneducated mind.

Fortunately the town of Reston spoke their mind too. And they did a little revising of their own. They elected write-in candidate Colin Mills to take his place.

Hmmm…. sucks to be an out-of-work racist a-hole, doesn’t it, Ken?