Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

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SUCKS TO BE the poodle in the tinfoil hat

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Poodle-tinfoil-hat-glenn-beckIn just a few short weeks since its Feb. 8 birth, the poorly Photoshopped poodle in the conspiracy-theorist tinfoil hat that was looking to amass more Facebook fans than Glenn Beck accumulated over 300,000 followers. But as it turns out, the Facebook fuzz were none too pleased with the bitch’s rabid rise to fame—so they “publish-blocked” the page.

No more post updates or soliciting fans in other Facebooky ways. And absolutely no more making poor Glenn Beck feel inferior to a canine.

Facebook’s explanation (see below) for disciplining the pooch is essentially that a fan page needs to be devoted to some kind of real commercial enterprise. Meaning the page needs to be a legitimate channel for a business or cause. You know, like these:

Thanks for making your policy clear as the driven snow, Facebook. Voting for dogs is bad. Megatron on birth certificates, good. Disliking Nickleback, fucking perfect (really, it is).

Sucks to be dog that can’t bark at someone it doesn’t like.

Facebook's notification.

Facebook's notification.

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SUCKS TO BE Roy Ashburn (R-California), yet another queer-hating queer

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Sucks to be arrested for a DUI when you’re a Senator.

Sucks to be arrested for a DUI when you’re a Senator leaving a gay nightclub.

Sucks to be arrested for a DUI when you’re a Senator leaving a gay nightclub which you shouldn’t be at because you are publicly known as a fierce opponent of gay rights.

Sucks to be you, Hypocrite Roy Ashburn (R-California). Because you are so never going to get laid by another dude again.

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SUCKS TO BE a history class flunkie

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

swastika_obama_golf

Vandals in Massachusetts thought they were making a bold political statement by carving a swastika alongside “OBAMA.” Instead, they simply showed the world what a bunch of dipshits they are.

First off, geniuses, you drew the swastika backwards. So instead of inferring how Hitler-like you bethink the half-black, half-white, un-Aryan Obama to be, you carved an eastern religious symbol that means “hope” and “peace” in some countries.

Either way, your slogan makes absolutely no fucking sense. Whether it’s “I ‘Nazi’ Obama,” or, “I ‘peace’ Obama,” your ignorance is astounding.

Our advice to douchebaggers…er…teabaggers like you is instead of trying to make history, try getting a passing grade in freshman world history first.

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SUCKS TO BE Eric Brewer, soon-to-be former mayor of East Cleveland

Thursday, September 24th, 2009

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East Cleveland mayoral incumbent Eric J. Brewer, it sucks to be you.

Not because you’re currently the head honcho of East Cleveland, a city rife with poverty, unemployment, crime and other social ills.

But because over three dozen photos allegedly of you in women’s lingerie just went public.

Now, we at STBY aren’t knocking fetishes. We understand that missionary doesn’t quite cut it for everyone. But for fuck’s sake, Miss Brewer, you hold public office. Haven’t you learned any lessons from Detroit’s Kwame Kilpatrick, the infamous sexting mayor? Leave a digital trail of your pervy tendencies, and you’re gonna get exposed.

Unfortunately for our eyes, you were.

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SUCKS TO BE missing your finger after a health care protest

Friday, September 4th, 2009

Exclusively from KTLA-TV in Thousand Oaks, California comes another story about a health care town hall debacle.

But the front lines of this battle featured a whole lot more than just shouting and yelling and falsehood-propagating. At this rally, a 65-year-old man who opposes health care reform lost his finger.

His pinky to be exact.

After being bit by a rabid supporter of reform and bleeding all over the place and realizing his need for health care, “The man took his finger and walked to [the nearest] hospital.”

We at STBY sincerely hope that the 9-fingered protester has health insurance to cover the costs of re-attaching his severed appendage. We hope that the hospital is in network, or that’s gonna be one sucky bill from the ER. And we really hope he has no pre-existing pinky problems that would prompt his health insurance company to reject his missing pinky claim.

Then again, pinkies may just be a privilege. Not a right.

Thanks to John Rekoumis at johnrekoumis.com for this sucky lead.

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SUCKS TO BE Fox News, the most geographically-challenged media outlet

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009
Congratulations on your new home, Egypt! Have you met your next door neighbor, Mahmoud Ahmadinecrazyfucker?

Congratulations on your new home, Egypt! Have you met your next door neighbor, Mahmoud Ahmadinecrazyfucker?

In the July 27 edition of Fox News’ The Live Desk, which claims to deliver “the most accurate breaking news first,” war lovers across America received a groundbreaking report: Egypt is now Iraq. Yes, while we’ve been busy re-shifting our focus to kicking some Taliban ass in Afghanistan, King Tut and company apparently went through the back door and claimed Saddam’s former kingdom from the U.S. of A.

And while it sucks to be you, Fox News, for being so immensely ignorant, myopic and careless with your fair and balanced misinformation, we at STBY think it would suck a whole lot worse to be the new Egypt.

Good luck resolving the 1,500 year-old bloodbath between the Shiites and Sunnis. If we could depart any knowledge to you from our 6-year failed attempt at peace, well, we’d simply tell you to run like an Egyptian.

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SUCKS TO BE the unopposed candidate who actually loses

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
Hmmm...Holocaust revisionist or nobody? I vote for nobody.

Hmmm...Holocaust revisionist or nobody? I vote for nobody.

When you enter an election with nobody running against you, your odds of winning are somewhere in the vicinity of 100%. Maybe more.

Which is particularly embarrassing news to Ken Meyercord, who was up for an at-large seat on the Reston (Virginia) Citizens Association’s volunteer board.

Meyercord lost to what amounts to your kid’s imaginary friend.  The final vote count: Ken Meyercord 23, Puff the Magic Dragon 1,157. And you only have to look at the official STBY exit polls to understand why.

41.3% disagreed with him on his stance on raising the price in the parking meters.

52.1% disagreed with him on Thursday trash pick-up

And 100.00% disagreed with his view that the Holocaust was a hoax.

You see, Meyercord is a full-fledged Holocaust revisionist. He’s a guy who thinks that the Nazi concentration camps were nothing more than a place to light the Coleman and do some hiking. He’s a guy who thinks Adolf Hitler wasn’t all that bad, if you got to know him. And he wasn’t afraid to speak his pathetic, uneducated mind.

Fortunately the town of Reston spoke their mind too. And they did a little revising of their own. They elected write-in candidate Colin Mills to take his place.

Hmmm…. sucks to be an out-of-work racist a-hole, doesn’t it, Ken?

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SUCKS TO BE the Redcoats of the 21st Century

Saturday, July 4th, 2009

0,,2006501427,00Attention Axis of Evildoers. Today is July 4. To you, it might just be another day to persecute innocent citizens, murder infidels and generally be the douchebags of the world.

But to us Americans, July 4th is special. Today is the day we open up our history books and remind ourselves that we are the ass kickers of the globe. You might not know this, but a couple centuries ago, we went toe to toe with the biggest, baddest army in the world and beat them with what amounted to a couple of peashooters and a sling shot. We were like Chuck Freakin’ Norris bare-handing our way to victory.

And now, we’ve got Hummers and AK-47s and the USO.

So if you’re thinking of pulling any of your third-world tyrannical bullshit on us,  sucks to be you. Because we’d like nothing more than recreate July 4, 1776 and send a little laser-guided pea into your crazy pie holes.

Happy Independence Day.

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SUCKS TO BE the guy who joins the Georgia Secession Army

Monday, May 4th, 2009

Georgia Secession Part I

Georgia Secession Part I

A recent poll found that nearly one third of Georgia conservatives would like to secede from the United States. That’s right, they want to dust off their Confederate flags, wake General Lee up from his dirtnap, and get on with starting their own country.

Well good luck, guys. It worked so well for you last time, I’m sure nothing could go awry.

Certainly the United States’ stash of guided missles, humvees and fighter jets are no match for your batallion of jerry-rigged mobile homes and army of stumbling drunkards in orange camoflage hunting outfits.

So go ahead. Fire the first shot, and  help us all get our flag down to a manageable 49 stars. Because frankly, we don’t need you. We don’t need your Michael Vick crap. We don’t need Ted Turner and the douchebags at CNN. And we most definitely don’t need Delta Airlines and all their baggage-losing, excuse-making incompetents.

And when you do get your own country, good luck finding a name. Becuase in case you didn’t know it, there’s already a country named Georgia. So unless your new nation of cotton-picking 8th grade droupouts can come up with something cooler than “Bravesland” or “The Other Georgia,” it sucks to be you.

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SUCKS TO BE in a country where every woman abstains from sex

Friday, May 1st, 2009
Sex? With you? Uh...no.

Sex? With you? Uh...no.

If you ever wondered why the Kenyans can run a marathon like it’s some sort of all-out sprint, here’s your answer: They’re making a beeline for the Tanzanian border to get a little strange.

Why? Because all the women of their nation — even old bags with the tits hanging to their ankles — are refusing to do the deed.  It’s all part of their attempt to protest the political conditions in their country.

Man…and we thought Jane Fonda was annoying.

For the men of Kenya this is a declaration of war. Already, they have filed a complaint with the Geneva Convention on grounds that this action constitutes torture.They’ve also requested that the Red Cross air drop a plane-load of emergency supplies. Namely a year’s subscription to Penthouse and a vat of Vasoline.

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