I don’t know about you, but with the exception of Shania Twain and Avril Lavigne, there aren’t many Canucks I’d want to see in their birthday suits.  I mean the puffy mass of Molson bellies tattered with scars from pick up hockey games and bar fights is enough to make anyone go blind.

We here at STBY love our friends in the Great White North. But, quite honesty, we like you better with your Wayne Gretzky sweaters and your Dudley Doright knickers on.

So, do the world a favor, Wreck Beach Preservation Society. Cancel your temporary nudist colony and preserve our lunches from being hurled into the Pacific.

The show must go on. Or…maybe not.

Hey, it’s Friday. Let’s keep it light. And odorous.

Considering  the guy was sitting during his mission,  we can only assume that he was laying some cable. So the fact that he had  to stick his arm in the cesspool is sucky enough. But to be trapped there? Excuse us while we throw up in our mouths.

All we have to say is the device had better have been an iPhone or something cooler or it wasn’t worth the dive. I mean even a Droid ain’t worth getting dookie between your fingernails.
No word on how long the student was trapped with his arm in his ass-release.  But we do know the taunts and jeers from his dorm mates will go on for an eternity.

Sucks to have insult added to stinky injury.

"It's not you, Ashley, it's my dad."

Research scientists have discovered that like baldness and bad eyesight, premature ejaculation is hereditary.

That’s right.  If you’re experiencing an inordinate number of false starts with the ladies,  chances are your dear old dad did too.

Sort of begs the question how you got here in the first place, if your dad was continuously leaving hs offspring in his underwear. But hey, that’s the next big project for our scientific community.

The sucky news is that because your dad couldn’t control himself, you won’t be able to either. Which means you’re going to be doing a lot of apologizing to your one night stands. And let’s face it with your crappy DNA,  one night is about all you’re going to get.

Mayor-elect Geary giving his acceptance speech

There is no shortage of crappy political candidates in this country. We’ve got Congressional page gropers. We’ve got prostitute-loving, wife humiliators.  And we’ve got enough party-hugging, do-nothing impotents to fill, well, the House of Representatives.

But how bad to you have to be to lose your seat as Mayor to a corpse?

Just ask Barbara Brock, former head honcho of Tracy City, Tennessee, who lost in a landslide to Carl Robin Geary Sr., a guy who had been sitting at room temperature for two months.

Apparently, the people of Tracy City were so fed up with Mayor Brock’s stand on the issues, her voting record and her constant breathing that they decided to go in another direction.

“If he were to run again next week I’d vote for him again,” Chris Rogers, owner of the town’s Lunch Box restaurant, said to reporters.

In the voters’ eyes, a  politician with an inactive, decaying brain is better than a politician with an idiotic brain. Take note Congress — your jobs are officially on the line.

But sadly, fate had a different plan for Sausage Man. You see, while running the streets of Milwaukee for the Brewers’ opening day parade, Mr. Carboni was struck down by a motorcyle, spewing a mass of tattered felt that had not seen since the tragic Macy’s Parade Muppet Incident of 1978.

“It was horrible,” noted one parade attendee. “Watching sausage being destroyed is worse than watching sausage being made.”

Mr. Carboni suffered only mild physical injuries. But the personal humiliation he endured as his chef’s hat was trampled under the wheels of really slow-moving  parade floats is something that will take a lifetime to recover from.

Sucks to be a man in a sausage suit who can’t see where he’s going.

Folks in the town of Truckee, California are not happy. When MTV came a-callin’ asking if they could erect a statue in their town square for a new reality show, they didn’t realize they would get an actual erection. Channel 10 News takes the story from here.

Yeah, having parents with a warped sense of humor and an IQ of 12 sucks. Just ask Barb Dwyer, who will forever get “I want to poke you” jokes from the guys on the football team.

And ask Mary Christmas, who’s going to have “Jingle Bells” sung to her by every Tom, Dick and Harry in London.

And  ask Anna Sasin, who, even as she’s coming out of the womb, is being implicated in the Kennedy murder.

Way to go parents of the 21st century. Way to saddle your heirs with the baggage that only the Three Stooges and Rodney Dangerfield could really appreciate. You want your kids to have a chance at life? Why not name them Albert Einstein or Bill Fucking Gates. At least you’ll be helping them.

Because Carrie Oakey, Anna Prentice and Bill Board ain’t cuttin’ it.

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, whose 19-children family would qualify them as the nation’s 17th largest city, is getting picked on by the most unlikely of abusers: PETA.

Yep, the animal rights group is pounding on them like Rush Limbaugh on a baby seal.

Their weapon of choice? A billboard.

You see, in northern Arkansas, PETA has put up a rather provocative advertisement that reads, “Doggies multiply faster than Duggars.”

Ouch, PETA. Way to embarrass the USA’s only hope of out-peopling China.

And while it may be true that Daddy Duggar has about as much sexual restraint as a stray Rottweiler, it’s really not nice to publicly humiliate him.

In PETA’s defense, a spokesman said that by using the Duggar name, they hope to encourage pet owners to spay and neuter their cats and dogs.

I don’t know about you, the billboard just makes us want to spay and neuter the Duggars.