Archive for the ‘Random/Weird’ Category

SUCKS TO BE mugged by a coyote in Central Park

Friday, February 5th, 2010

Picture 1News flash: Central Park is dangerous.

Not because it’s jam packed with crazy heroin addicts, Tourette-stricken homeless people, and, well, New Yorkers. It seems there is also a real live coyote on the loose.

And it’s not the fun kind of coyote that drops anvils on its own head and blows itself up with wheelbarrows full of Amce dynamite. This coyote is armed with sharp claws, big-ass teeth and a wicked case of the rabies. And he’s looking for some housewife from Brooklyn to take out for dinner, if you know what we mean.

Sucks to be surrounded by nature.

As one might imagine, the furry little visitor has brought the terror level in NYC to an all-time high. So much so that Rudy Giuliani is ready to come out of hiding and make a speech.

To make matters worse, officials can’t seem to capture the four-legged Osama no matter how hard they try.

Our advice? Get one of those watch vendors to track the thing down. Nobody can get away from them.

SUCKS TO BE denied a beer pipeline to your dorm

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

Picture 1Students from Sweden’s Chalmers University marched on a nearby brewery to protest the decades-long lack of progress on a beer pipeline to the student union.

Yes, apparently, gupling barley shakes by the 6-pack ain’t quite cutting it for the kids.  And who can blame them really. Trudging through 87 feet of snow in the pitch black noontime sky can really ruin your buzz. And getting Lars to make a beer run for the guys in the dorm is a bit tough when he’s upstairs banging Tiger Woods’ ex.

So a few years back, the students made an agreement with the local brewery to provide them an IV of foamy love that would never run out. But Nordic construction being what it is, the crews only completed 6.5 feet of the 62 mile pipeline so far. Yep, only 327,353.5 feet to go till it’s Beer Bong City.

Clearly, the students will have to rough it for some time with their fake IDs and plasma donations for beer money.

Unless, of course, they switch to Absolut. In Sweden, there’s always plenty of that.

SUCKS TO BE the worst Journey cover band of all time

Saturday, January 16th, 2010

Take a high-school girl going through a rare female voice change, two band nerds and Mrs. Hornitosky, the Home Ec teacher, and what have you got? Bleeding ears.

SUCKS TO BE everybody but Michelle Thompson

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
973050-michelle-thompson-suffers-from-psas

"Ohhhh...there's goes #298"

You might be thinking to yourself, “Hey STBY, that Michelle chick, I’m sure she’s nice enough, but she’s got nothing on Angelina Jolie or that alien woman from ‘V.’ They’re smoking hot and rich as hell.”

Yes, but do they reach orgasm 300 times a day…like Michelle Thompson?

Didn’t think so.

Michelle “suffers” from a disorder called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. It makes her mad horny 24/7, and gives her the ability to reach the finish line pretty much any time she wants. She even had to leave her job at the biscuit plant because the machinery took her to Happy Valley too often.

What can we say? Some people get Shingles. Some people get Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. That’s just the luck of the draw.

Michelle’s appetite for getting it on has taken its toll on her relationships. One by one, her boy toys have bowed out from fatigue. But Michelle marches on. Stopping every 4.8 minutes to, well, you know….smile.

SUCKS TO BE Lauren Johnson, the sneezing machine

Friday, November 13th, 2009

Two weeks ago, 12-year old Lauren Johnson from Virginia caught a cold—and hasn’t been able to stop sneezing since. As in, she spasms up to 16 times a minute, non-stop, all day, until she falls asleep.

Doctors are baffled. But from the looks of it, our guess is that Lauren has an old fashioned case of tourette’s.

Cock shit ass balls—ah, ah, ah-choo—that sucks.

From STBY, bless you.

SUCKS TO BE us, still unable to solve a friggin’ Rubik’s cube

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
Wipe that shit eating grin off your face. We know you're smart.

Wipe that shit eating grin off your face. We know you're smart.

Charlotte Cooper of Britain can spin the colors of a Rubik’s cube into perfect harmony in just 15 seconds. Blindfolded.

That’s right, folks, a mere 15 seconds. The time it takes unblindfolded normal people to align two red squares and get a sense of false hope. To make you feel even stupider, fancypants Charlotte claims to have solved the Cube for the first time just two years ago.

Seriously, we’re happy for you, Charlotte. Your parents must be proud that you’ve become one of the few female “speedcubers” in the world.

As for the rest of us, well, our parents are simply pleased we stopped smoking pot and playing with kids’ toys.

SUCKS TO BE Erold Sigurdsson, attractor of the log trucks

Saturday, September 19th, 2009

22154If you’re sitting in your house and a logging truck crashes into it, you’re unfortunate.

If it happens twice, you’re jinxed.

If it happens a third time, then you’re Erold Sigurdsson.

Erold, a 65-year-old homeowner from Ortrask, Sweden, lives on a bend. A bend that truck drivers carrying human deforestation seem to have a hard time negotiating. As a result, they have a propensity to careen out of control, and crash into Erold’s home filled with sweet Ikea furniture and autographed pictures of Ingrid Bergman.

“It’s always so goddamned dark in this country,” explains Sigurdsson. “And it doesn’t help that everyone’s drunk on Absolut.”

Erold, though, refuses to move. And plans on rebuilding. For the fourth time.

Sucks to be his insurance company.

SUCKS TO BE FIRED FOR HITTING THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009

caps-lockSUCKS TO BE VICKI WALKER. RECENTLY, SHE GOT THE PINK SLIP. NOT FOR COMING INTO WORK HUNG OVER, OR BLOWING THE BOSS OR SURFING STBY ALL DAY. SHE WAS SACKED FOR — GET THIS — SENDING EMAILS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. APPARENTLY COWORKERS THOUGHT HER INTEROFFICE CORRESPONDENCES  WERE “TOO SHOUTY,” AND THEY WERE FEELING THREATENED.

AS EVERYONE KNOWS, ALL CAP EMAILS ARE THE LEADING CAUSE OF INJURY AND DEATH IN THE WORKPLACE, RIGHT NEXT TO SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A MACHINE GUN. SO IT STANDS TO REASON THAT WHEN GRAPHICALLY LOUD EMAILS STARTED WINDING UP IN THE IN-BOXES OF VULNERABLE ACCOUNTANTS, THE AUTHOR HAD TO GO.

AND THAT AUTHOR, OBVIOUSLY, WAS VICKI.

THE WHOLE MESS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED HAD MS. WALKER USED ONE OF THESE  : – ).

OR ONE OF THESE. <3

OR EVEN ONE OF THESE. : – P

HELL, EVEN A WELL-PLACED “LOL”  MIGHT HAVE KEPT THE PAYCHECKS COMING. SO NOW, INSTEAD OF WRITING BITTER, PISS-YOUR-PANTS INDUCING EMAILS, SHE’LL BE SPENDING HER TIME WRITING HER RESUME. LET’S JUST HOPE SHE LEARNS TO HIT THE “SHIFT” KEY.

SUCKS TO BE sharing your hotel bed with a drunk, naked squatter

Thursday, August 13th, 2009

503416~Threesome-PostersEnough of us have woken up in the wee hours of the morning with a bar room surprise lying next to us. It’s shocking. It’s horrifying. But when we finally calm the demons in our heads and wipe the vodka gimlet out of our eyes, we take responsibility for dragging the roadkill into our beds. And we repent by vowing sobriety for all eternity. Or at least until the nausea goes away.

And then there’s the story of some Queenstown, Austrailia hotel occupants who went to bed as a couple, and woke up as a threesome. Normally, we here at STBY would applaud that kind of upgrade. But not this time.

It seems a nude drunk man was wandering the halls of the hotel and mistakenly staggered into the couple’s room. Apparently, he was so looped that he didn’t recognize the bed was already occupied. So, he snuggled his way in between the couple to sleep off his blindness.

When the woman rolled over to spoon her beloved, she got a huge whiff of sweaty stranger pubes and hurl.

Sucks to be subjected to that kind of breaking and entering.

Needless to say, the woman ran, the man yelled and the drunk man was escorted away. Although we’re pretty sure he was charged for his third of the room.

SUCKS TO BE Kim Yeates, woman burned by her magic crystal ball

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

Crystal-ball-fire_6_864723aIf we understand the technology behind the crystal ball correctly, it’s supposed to predict the future, tell us our fortunes, and warn us of impending doom. At least that’s how it worked in Sleeping Beauty.

Kim Yeates must have gotten a cheap knock off from China. Because not only did her hunk of glass not alert her of her very own house fire, it actually caused it. To the tune of $16,000 in damage.

Here’s the story: Kim, completely fed up with looking into the future and seeing nothing but a string of yellow-teethed boyfriends, bad pantsuits and shitty jobs, put her fortune-telling machine out of sight behind her TV. What Kim didn’t realize is that the cosmos and her flat screen stand were aligned in such a way that the sun shone directly on the ornament, which refracted the sun’s rays straight into the back of the TV, which caused it to overheat, explode and ignite a nearby sofa.

Talk about bad luck.

To make matters even suckier, Kim had no insurance and no savings, and is left with nothing more than a huge bag of charcoal.

So as we look into STBY’s fully-functioning crystal ball…

We predict … Kim will shove her charred wad of glass up the wizard’s ass who sold it to her…

We predict … Kim will have a longer Christmas list than usual…

We predict… that Kim will Google her name and find that it does in fact, suck to be her.