Archive for the ‘Random/Weird’ Category

SUCKS TO BE the curator of the Abortion Museum

Monday, August 2nd, 2010
"Mom, can we go to see the dinosaurs, next?"

"Mom, can we go to see the dinosaurs, next?"

Europe is filled with wonderful, awe-inspiring museums.

The Louvre in France. The Uffizi Gallery in Italy. The British Museum in the UK.

And then there’s Austria’s entry – the Abortion Museum.

Yep, they’ve recently opened a museum dedicated to sucking babies out of vaginas.

Really Austria? You mean to tell us that your country is so void of art and culture that only thing you have to display are a couple old hangers and bloody piles of gauze?

Ick.

And without getting political here, is this something we really need to preserve for future generations? Don’t you have some old Arnold Schwarzenegger wax figures you can dust off and throw in a window?  I mean, you could probably charge a few schillings for that.

And please, please please  tell us that you don’t have a gift shop. That would really suck.

SUCKS TO BE telling your kids to eat their vegetables

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

article-1277983001053-0A478EE5000005DC-146519_636x468“On second thought Billy, skip the cucumbers and have a chocolate bar instead.  Oh, and quit your damn laughing at the table.”

SUCKS TO BE the tattoo artist for these guys

Sunday, May 9th, 2010

Screen shot 2010-05-09 at 10.52.33 PMScreen shot 2010-05-09 at 10.52.17 PMScreen shot 2010-05-09 at 10.51.58 PM

SUCKS TO BE the pun “Sucks To Be You”

Monday, April 5th, 2010
Next time, remember to use protection.

Next time, remember to use protection.

A 19-year-old Russian newlywed recently suffered a serious injury to the mucous membranes in her throat, resulting from performing a very enthusiastic hummer on her husband. She received emergency medical treatment on her right tonsil after waking up with blood in her mouth.

The couple had only been married a short time, medics said. Which explains how the fellatio mishap might have occurred. And which explains the passionate fellatio altogether.

SUCKS TO BE on a date with these lovely ladies

Saturday, March 27th, 2010

Picture 8Picture 7Picture 6Guys, on your first date, make sure you pick a restaurant with protein shakes and a steroid buffet. Oh, and don’t try to get to 2nd base. You will be very, very sorry. For several reasons.

SUCKS TO BE mugged by a coyote in Central Park

Friday, February 5th, 2010

Picture 1News flash: Central Park is dangerous.

Not because it’s jam packed with crazy heroin addicts, Tourette-stricken homeless people, and, well, New Yorkers. It seems there is also a real live coyote on the loose.

And it’s not the fun kind of coyote that drops anvils on its own head and blows itself up with wheelbarrows full of Amce dynamite. This coyote is armed with sharp claws, big-ass teeth and a wicked case of the rabies. And he’s looking for some housewife from Brooklyn to take out for dinner, if you know what we mean.

Sucks to be surrounded by nature.

As one might imagine, the furry little visitor has brought the terror level in NYC to an all-time high. So much so that Rudy Giuliani is ready to come out of hiding and make a speech.

To make matters worse, officials can’t seem to capture the four-legged Osama no matter how hard they try.

Our advice? Get one of those watch vendors to track the thing down. Nobody can get away from them.

SUCKS TO BE denied a beer pipeline to your dorm

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

Picture 1Students from Sweden’s Chalmers University marched on a nearby brewery to protest the decades-long lack of progress on a beer pipeline to the student union.

Yes, apparently, gupling barley shakes by the 6-pack ain’t quite cutting it for the kids.  And who can blame them really. Trudging through 87 feet of snow in the pitch black noontime sky can really ruin your buzz. And getting Lars to make a beer run for the guys in the dorm is a bit tough when he’s upstairs banging Tiger Woods’ ex.

So a few years back, the students made an agreement with the local brewery to provide them an IV of foamy love that would never run out. But Nordic construction being what it is, the crews only completed 6.5 feet of the 62 mile pipeline so far. Yep, only 327,353.5 feet to go till it’s Beer Bong City.

Clearly, the students will have to rough it for some time with their fake IDs and plasma donations for beer money.

Unless, of course, they switch to Absolut. In Sweden, there’s always plenty of that.

SUCKS TO BE the worst Journey cover band of all time

Saturday, January 16th, 2010

Take a high-school girl going through a rare female voice change, two band nerds and Mrs. Hornitosky, the Home Ec teacher, and what have you got? Bleeding ears.

SUCKS TO BE everybody but Michelle Thompson

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
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"Ohhhh...there's goes #298"

You might be thinking to yourself, “Hey STBY, that Michelle chick, I’m sure she’s nice enough, but she’s got nothing on Angelina Jolie or that alien woman from ‘V.’ They’re smoking hot and rich as hell.”

Yes, but do they reach orgasm 300 times a day…like Michelle Thompson?

Didn’t think so.

Michelle “suffers” from a disorder called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. It makes her mad horny 24/7, and gives her the ability to reach the finish line pretty much any time she wants. She even had to leave her job at the biscuit plant because the machinery took her to Happy Valley too often.

What can we say? Some people get Shingles. Some people get Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. That’s just the luck of the draw.

Michelle’s appetite for getting it on has taken its toll on her relationships. One by one, her boy toys have bowed out from fatigue. But Michelle marches on. Stopping every 4.8 minutes to, well, you know….smile.

SUCKS TO BE Lauren Johnson, the sneezing machine

Friday, November 13th, 2009

Two weeks ago, 12-year old Lauren Johnson from Virginia caught a cold—and hasn’t been able to stop sneezing since. As in, she spasms up to 16 times a minute, non-stop, all day, until she falls asleep.

Doctors are baffled. But from the looks of it, our guess is that Lauren has an old fashioned case of tourette’s.

Cock shit ass balls—ah, ah, ah-choo—that sucks.

From STBY, bless you.