Archive for the ‘Society’ Category

SUCKS TO BE getting married and giving birth at the same time

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

Baby.widecLike most young couples, Erin Heather and Mark Weber dreamed of getting married and starting a family. But unlike most couples, they thought it would be a good idea to do both at the same time.

That’s right, Erin and Mark decided to tie the knot while cutting the cord, and held their nuptial right in the delivery room of a Madison, Wisconsin hospital.

Needless to say the Society page wasn’t there snapping photos. And the aunts and uncles that usually show up at these things for the free booze and the Chicken Cordon Bleu, all decided to pass in favor of not throwing up in their oxygen masks.

The whole event was arranged by Erin and Mark so that their child — who decided to arrive early —  would not be born a hopeless bastard with no chance at future.

So with a wedding party consisting of a nurse with ice chips, an anesthesiologist with a very long needle and a doc with really cold hands, Erin and Mark said their “I dos.”

We’re happy to report that after the ceremony, Erin gave birth to healthy baby girl… who also happened to catch the bouquet.

SUCKS TO BE taking weight loss advice from Paul Mason, world’s fattiest fatty

Friday, February 12th, 2010
Next NutriSystem spokesperson? Perhaps.

Next NutriSystem spokesperson? Perhaps.

Some good news recently came to light for Paul Mason, the World’s Fattest Man Alive, who weighs in at a death-defying 686 lbs.

No, Little Debbie is not joining forces with Cheese Whiz to make the ultimate snack cake. Nor is McDonald’s releasing the long-awaited McPounder with a bun made of bacon. The good news is that since Mason has shed nearly 20 stones (280 lbs.), he’s now eligible for gastric bypass surgery. He’d jump for joy if he could.

Instead, Mason is going to celebrate by writing a tell-all book about how he has managed to lose so much weight in an autobiography called “The Journey.”

What’s next, Keith Richards writing a book about the success of 12-step programs? John Holmes sharing a heartfelt warning against the dangers of being promiscuous with loose women? Fox News producing a documentary about journalistic excellence?

I mean, this guy admitted to eating 20,000 calories a day at his peak weight. That’s enough to fuel a fucking AirBus on a transatlantic flight.

Anyone who reads “The Journey” and expects to get thinner along the way is a big fat sucker.

SUCKS TO BE a guy looking for a date in China

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

china-weddingA new report reveals that as many as 24 million eligible bachelors in China may never be able to marry because of a lack of women in the country.

New stats from the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences show that in some areas of the nation, the dude-to-chick ratio was as high as 130-100.

This, of course, is terrible news for all those guys who had their hearts set on giving up their opinions, their remote controls and their nights out stuffing Yuans in the garters of Beijing’s pasty patrol.

But look on the bright side guys –  all that money you were going to spend on the dust ruffles, bathroom potpourri and apology flowers, you can now spend on porn.

Which is great news. Because you’re going to need it.

SUCKS TO BE Oran Canfield, who thinks Chicken Soup for the Soul is chicken shit

Monday, February 8th, 2010

Chicken-Soup-Poop-For-the-SoulEvery once in a while, a story so ironic comes along that it’s just too unbelievable to be unbelievable.

Enter Oran Canfield, a 35-year-old recovering junkie who was abandoned by his father as a baby, neglected by his mother and is now the drummer of an angry psycho-rock band named Child Abuse—whose slit-your-wrist chart-bottomers include songs like “Wrong Hole” and “I Hate Me.” Oran is one month’s savings away from the soup kitchen, and tours with Child Abuse in an old-ass van that breaks down daily and whose heating system doesn’t work.

Apparently, the damage done to Oran by his daddy skipping town was pretty severe. But to be fair, the old man had some pretty important stuff to do. Like writing the feel-good, sappy self-help books in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. That’s right, Oran’s father, Jack Canfield is the author of the fantastically popular books that made an entire generation of stay-at-home moms feel good about being shut-ins.

Well here’s some flowery, self-help advice for you, Jack: abandoning your pregnant wife and one-year-old son is a pretty shitty thing to do. Judging by the names of Child Abuse’s songs, it’s safe to say that your son is about to lose his noodles.

Sucks to be you, Oran Canfield. If only there were a series of books which could comfort you and heal your soul.

SUCKS TO BE a vocal college fornicator

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

Quiet+signThe student union at Cambridge University’s Newnham College e-mailed the school’s 400 undergraduate students, asking them to be quieter during sexual encounters.

The student union said it sent the e-mail to all undergrads Tuesday after receiving 30 complaints about late-night “oohs” and “aahs” and “will you respect me in the mornings” in the residence halls.

“It’s just so embarrassing to think that people have been listening in. I was blushing when I got the email,” a 20-year-old student said. “You try to keep it down, but it’s easy to forget the walls are so thin if you get a bit carried away.”

Sucks to zip it up when the zippers are down.

When asked if they would abide by the ordinance for quieter rubbing of the uglies, the response was an overwhelming yes… Yes! YES! YES! YEEESSSS!!!

SUCKS TO BE employers everywhere

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

worksucksA study just released in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that people are happier both emotionally and physically on the weekends. Regardless of age, education, salary, how many hours they work, marital status or if they’ve found the Lord Jesus, men and women alike are more likely to break out in song and skip instead of walk when they’re away from their places of enslavement … er … employment.

Sucks to be the Big Cheese, knowing that your most valuable assets would rather watch reruns of The Office than actually be there. Knowing that working with marigolds and manure in the yard is more gratifying than working like a horse for you. Knowing that spousal fights over the checking account are more fulfilling than debates over the bottom line.

Sucks to be you who sits at the head of the table in the next awkward company meeting, knowing that everyone in the room would rather be in the company of their awkward families. Eating the bread you put on their dinner table.

SUCKS TO BE a Scottish teen who needs to take a leak

Monday, January 11th, 2010

Children-Leash-ParentA regulation which just passed in Glasgow, Scotland requires parents to accompany their children everywhere within licensed establishments such as a restaurants. And by children, it means anyone under the age of 16. And by everywhere, it means the bathroom, too.

Being a teenager these days already sucks enough. First, your mum friends you on Facebook and tells your girlfriend that you still sleep with a blankie. Now she’s passing you the TP while you’re pinching a loaf at an Italian restaurant. Even crappier, you’re obliged to accompany her to the women’s restroom if her bowels start to rumble.

Sucks to witness your mom letting go—of everything but you.

SUCKS TO BE Josie Brooklyn, the 19th kid in the Duggar family

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

SUCKS TO BE YOU UPDATE!

We built this city...

We built this city...

Back in July, we reported that Michelle Duggar was pregnant for the 19th time. Well guess what? She did it. She went ahead and shot out yet another offsrpring.

One might think that the birth of a child is the unsuckiest of times.  But, not for Josie.

The poor, poor girl is sentenced to a life of hand-me-hand-me-hand-me-hand-me-hand-me-hand-me-down clothes. She’ll have to accept the fact that she’ll be wearing the prom dress her sister and her sister and her sister and her sister and her sister wore.

And you want to talk about parental apathy? Sister, your horny ole folks have been to enough soccer games and dance recitals and school plays for, well, 19 lifetimes. You think they’re going to want to go to yours?

Hell no. And besides, they’ll probably be busy upstairs trying to create your younger brother.

So, all we can say  Josie, is welcome to the world. This very overpopulated world.

SUCKS TO BE Hillier Garden Centre, The Sexist Place

Monday, November 30th, 2009
Hillier-Clothesline-Sexist

Actual advert from Hillier Garden Centre shown here.

Make your wife “feel special this Christmas” by buying her a rotary clothesline.

Not diamonds. Not a day at the spa. Not even the classic (yet thoughtless) lotion and body wash duo from Bath & Bodyworks.

Guys, nothing says, “I love and respect you, dearest wife,” like a clothesline. While you’re at it, be sure to grab her a washboard, some laundry detergent and a folding table. All the accoutrements she needs to keep things in perfect order—so she can also get a hot meal on the table by the time you get home from work.

Hillier’s Garden Centre, it sucks to be you this holiday season. Because if any man follows the advice in your clothesline ad, you’re going to have a different kind of line out the door the day after Christmas. A line full of female customers with some very unladylike things they’d like to say.

SUCKS TO BE Matthew Roberts, guy who finds out his daddy is Charles Manson

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009
Do NOT call him Charles Manson, Jr.

Do NOT call him Charles Manson, Jr.

One day, LA DJ Matthew Roberts decided he needed to find his birth father. He wanted to meet the guy who would have bounced him on his knee, tossed him the baseball and taught him about girls.

But when Matthew finally discovered the name of the guy who gave him half of his DNA, he found a cold blooded serial killer.

His pops? Charles Manson. Yes. THE Charles Manson.

Well, that’s gotta sting a little — knowing you inherited the recessive gene for brainwashing co-eds and going on killing sprees.

For Roberts, who is a non-violent vegetarian musician, the news was a bit disheartening. “If my dad was going to be someone famous, I was sorta hoping for David Crosby or that keyboard player from the Doors. That woulda been awesome.”

But, sadly for Roberts, his Father’s Day cards will be sent to the Corcoran State Prison, where Papa Chuck is spending his twilight years sitting in his rocking chair. Dressed in a strait jacket.