Archive for the ‘Society’ Category

SUCKS TO BE living next to a homeless park

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010
"Hell, Welcome Wagon!"

"Hell, Welcome Wagon!"

Well, residents of Skowhegan, Maine, this will  show you not to fuck with Old Man Obert. Seems the 84-year-old resident wanted to build a house on his new lot. But when he was denied a permit to erect a home, the “homeless” man went all ironic on the community, and opened up a homeless park on the site.

Now, Skowhegan’s winos, shopping cart pushers and permanently unemployable will be congregating on the well-to-do area of Coburn Avenue, bringing down property values faster than a high-rish mortgage.

The park is equipped with all the latest amenities for the homeless (minus the home, of course), including  a picnic table and a porta-potty.

Yeah, nothing like a big blue stinky plastic building to get the neighbors to change the zoning laws, huh?

Currently, there is one resident in the park who’s only comment was, “It ain’t the Ritz. But it is better than a KOA.”

SUCKS TO BE within earshot of Spivey’s Corner, NC

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010

holler_at_me_t_shirt-p235581648740472962uh7s_400Not a lot goes on in Spivey’s Corner, North Carolina. There was that Andy Griffith guest appearance back in ‘73. And a Hootie sighting at the FuelMart back in 2001. But after that, not much.

Yes, you could say that Spivey’s Corner is a quiet little town. Until the loudmouths from around the globe descend on the Holiday Inn Express and compete for fortune, fame and glory at the annual Hollerin’ Contest.

For the 42nd consecutive year, the irritated townsfolk and howling dogs of Spivey’s Corners have been accosted by the hollers, hoots, yodels and bellows from folks across the country.

“It’s worse than rap.” resident Arnold Ramsbottom critiques.

Chief organizer Wayne Edwards said turnout was high, with 27 folks competing and hundreds of spectators, well, cringing.

Well, look on the bright side Spivey’s Corner. At least it wasn’t OzzFest.

SUCKS TO BE physically unable to read this

Monday, April 12th, 2010
The origins for Tactile Mind can be traced back to Robin Hood Men in Tights.

The origins for Tactile Mind can be traced back to Robin Hood Men in Tights.

It really sucks that our brethren with visual handicaps can’t read our blog. So if you’ve got any blind friends, be sure to tell them the good news we’re spreading here.

Thanks to creative problemsolver of the new millennium, Lisa J. Murphy, those who can’t see can now experience erotica in 3-D. Her newest book, Tactile Mind, contains explicit softcore images that are raised from its pages along with Braille text and photos. It’s a revolutionary concept that’s meant to be read with one hand.

Murphy learned to create touchable books for visually impaired children using textured images of animals. But she thought it a damn shame that there were no such “adult only” type books.

Now, with Tactile Mind taking its rightful place in porn history, the “you’ll go blind” scare tactic can finally be put to rest.

SUCKS TO BE an African-American in the world’s most racist Walmart

Thursday, March 18th, 2010
"Blacks are welcome outside, though"

"Blacks are welcome outside, though"

Walmart has reached a new low. And we don’t mean with their prices.

It seems that one of the stores in New Jersey  wanted to rollback the calendar to the pre-civil rights era and asked  ”all blacks” to leave the store.

The friendly request came over the intercom, and offended every Confederate-flag wearing hillbilly at the gun shop.

Walmart officials are investigating who might have made the announcement requesting people of color to abandon their shopping carts full of lead-filled Chinese crap.

“Ya’all gotta understand,” said the Walmart manager who was kind of tough to understand though his white hood, “We didn’t want the negroes to leave without buying anything. We had a separate but equal check out line available in the back of the building for ‘em.”

Sucks to give the microphone to someone who can’t find their way to the 21st century.

SUCKS TO BE getting married and giving birth at the same time

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

Baby.widecLike most young couples, Erin Heather and Mark Weber dreamed of getting married and starting a family. But unlike most couples, they thought it would be a good idea to do both at the same time.

That’s right, Erin and Mark decided to tie the knot while cutting the cord, and held their nuptial right in the delivery room of a Madison, Wisconsin hospital.

Needless to say the Society page wasn’t there snapping photos. And the aunts and uncles that usually show up at these things for the free booze and the Chicken Cordon Bleu, all decided to pass in favor of not throwing up in their oxygen masks.

The whole event was arranged by Erin and Mark so that their child — who decided to arrive early —  would not be born a hopeless bastard with no chance at future.

So with a wedding party consisting of a nurse with ice chips, an anesthesiologist with a very long needle and a doc with really cold hands, Erin and Mark said their “I dos.”

We’re happy to report that after the ceremony, Erin gave birth to healthy baby girl… who also happened to catch the bouquet.

SUCKS TO BE taking weight loss advice from Paul Mason, world’s fattiest fatty

Friday, February 12th, 2010
Next NutriSystem spokesperson? Perhaps.

Next NutriSystem spokesperson? Perhaps.

Some good news recently came to light for Paul Mason, the World’s Fattest Man Alive, who weighs in at a death-defying 686 lbs.

No, Little Debbie is not joining forces with Cheese Whiz to make the ultimate snack cake. Nor is McDonald’s releasing the long-awaited McPounder with a bun made of bacon. The good news is that since Mason has shed nearly 20 stones (280 lbs.), he’s now eligible for gastric bypass surgery. He’d jump for joy if he could.

Instead, Mason is going to celebrate by writing a tell-all book about how he has managed to lose so much weight in an autobiography called “The Journey.”

What’s next, Keith Richards writing a book about the success of 12-step programs? John Holmes sharing a heartfelt warning against the dangers of being promiscuous with loose women? Fox News producing a documentary about journalistic excellence?

I mean, this guy admitted to eating 20,000 calories a day at his peak weight. That’s enough to fuel a fucking AirBus on a transatlantic flight.

Anyone who reads “The Journey” and expects to get thinner along the way is a big fat sucker.

SUCKS TO BE a guy looking for a date in China

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

china-weddingA new report reveals that as many as 24 million eligible bachelors in China may never be able to marry because of a lack of women in the country.

New stats from the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences show that in some areas of the nation, the dude-to-chick ratio was as high as 130-100.

This, of course, is terrible news for all those guys who had their hearts set on giving up their opinions, their remote controls and their nights out stuffing Yuans in the garters of Beijing’s pasty patrol.

But look on the bright side guys –  all that money you were going to spend on the dust ruffles, bathroom potpourri and apology flowers, you can now spend on porn.

Which is great news. Because you’re going to need it.

SUCKS TO BE Oran Canfield, who thinks Chicken Soup for the Soul is chicken shit

Monday, February 8th, 2010

Chicken-Soup-Poop-For-the-SoulEvery once in a while, a story so ironic comes along that it’s just too unbelievable to be unbelievable.

Enter Oran Canfield, a 35-year-old recovering junkie who was abandoned by his father as a baby, neglected by his mother and is now the drummer of an angry psycho-rock band named Child Abuse—whose slit-your-wrist chart-bottomers include songs like “Wrong Hole” and “I Hate Me.” Oran is one month’s savings away from the soup kitchen, and tours with Child Abuse in an old-ass van that breaks down daily and whose heating system doesn’t work.

Apparently, the damage done to Oran by his daddy skipping town was pretty severe. But to be fair, the old man had some pretty important stuff to do. Like writing the feel-good, sappy self-help books in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. That’s right, Oran’s father, Jack Canfield is the author of the fantastically popular books that made an entire generation of stay-at-home moms feel good about being shut-ins.

Well here’s some flowery, self-help advice for you, Jack: abandoning your pregnant wife and one-year-old son is a pretty shitty thing to do. Judging by the names of Child Abuse’s songs, it’s safe to say that your son is about to lose his noodles.

Sucks to be you, Oran Canfield. If only there were a series of books which could comfort you and heal your soul.

SUCKS TO BE a vocal college fornicator

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

Quiet+signThe student union at Cambridge University’s Newnham College e-mailed the school’s 400 undergraduate students, asking them to be quieter during sexual encounters.

The student union said it sent the e-mail to all undergrads Tuesday after receiving 30 complaints about late-night “oohs” and “aahs” and “will you respect me in the mornings” in the residence halls.

“It’s just so embarrassing to think that people have been listening in. I was blushing when I got the email,” a 20-year-old student said. “You try to keep it down, but it’s easy to forget the walls are so thin if you get a bit carried away.”

Sucks to zip it up when the zippers are down.

When asked if they would abide by the ordinance for quieter rubbing of the uglies, the response was an overwhelming yes… Yes! YES! YES! YEEESSSS!!!

SUCKS TO BE employers everywhere

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

worksucksA study just released in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that people are happier both emotionally and physically on the weekends. Regardless of age, education, salary, how many hours they work, marital status or if they’ve found the Lord Jesus, men and women alike are more likely to break out in song and skip instead of walk when they’re away from their places of enslavement … er … employment.

Sucks to be the Big Cheese, knowing that your most valuable assets would rather watch reruns of The Office than actually be there. Knowing that working with marigolds and manure in the yard is more gratifying than working like a horse for you. Knowing that spousal fights over the checking account are more fulfilling than debates over the bottom line.

Sucks to be you who sits at the head of the table in the next awkward company meeting, knowing that everyone in the room would rather be in the company of their awkward families. Eating the bread you put on their dinner table.