An oldie, but a goodie. Enjoy.
Archive for the ‘General Suckiness’ Category
SUCKS TO BE unaware of the other meaning of “johnson”
Friday, August 27th, 2010SUCKS TO BE pulled over for dildoing and driving
Thursday, August 26th, 2010
We all know you shouldn’t drink and drive. Or text and drive. But apparently, not all of us knew you couldn’t do yourself with a huge honkin’ love toy and drive.
That’s what one woman was doing when an Elmwood Place police officer pulled her over for having tinted windows. (I think we can all guess why they were tinted now).
When cop went to ask the driver for her license, he saw a pantyless woman with a love toy dangling from her cooch, while her boyfriend in the passenger seat rolled hard core porn off the laptop.
Sucks to be that far from a bedroom.
The woman was cited for “inappropriate alertness” and “failure to find the G spot.”
SUCKS TO BE filming your very own personal Jaws movie
Friday, August 13th, 2010
Me my Shark and I from Chuck Patterson on Vimeo.
Um, dude. We all know you’re cool (you are a surfer, after all). But we really don’t want to see your coolness strewn all over the frickin’ Pacific. Shut off your damn camera. AND START PADDLING.
SUCKS TO BE a photojournalist without a brain, or a heart
Wednesday, July 28th, 2010
The above photo is a shot from a fatal crash scene, where 17-year-old Natia Gorgen drifted into oncoming traffic and was hit by a tractor-trailer Tuesday. Gorgen would have been a senior at Poughkeepsie High School this fall.
Natia was a member of the National Honor Society. A varsity swimmer on her high school’s squad. A member of the crew team.
But thanks to the halfwit photographers at the Poughkeepsie Journal, a talented young gal about to enter college will be remembered alongside a bunch of floozies who always claim they’re “saving up for college.”
SUCKS TO BE pummeled with rocks by aliens
Tuesday, July 20th, 2010
Over the past three years, Radivoke Lajic’s house has been hit by a meteor six different times. And he thinks he knows why — aliens from outer space are pissed at him.
“I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials,” said the 50-year-old Bosnian. “I don’t know what I’ve done to annoy them.”
Apparently, he short changed the big eyed creatures at Halloween or told them to get the hell off his lawn. Because (according to Lajic), he’s still getting the Martian version of a house egging.
Listen, sir. If you really, truly annoyed the aliens, they wouldn’t throw pebbles at you, they’d toss fucking Venus in your yard. Or they’d blast you with some crazy laser. Or they’d hover over your house for all eternity, making you crap your knickers every time you walked outside. Haven’t you ever watched “V”?
These folks have got much more better weapons than slingshots and cosmic gravel.
So, Rad, take your paranoia meds, lock yourself in your house and turn the SyFy Channel back on.
SUCKS TO BE LeBron James, Delonte West’s step son
Monday, July 19th, 2010It’s old news that Traitor James’s mom allegedly had a tryst with teammate Delonte West. But nothing quite articulates it like this commercial.
SUCKS TO BE going to these churches
Friday, July 16th, 2010
Some churchgoers eat a eucharist. Some drink wine. But this? This is a bit much to ask.
If you kinda-sorta believe in God, this is the church for you.
Well, at least they’re honest. Which is something God would like, we imagine.
NOTE TO GOD: This is satire, no lightning bolts, por favor.
SUCKS TO BE killed by 38KKK boobs
Wednesday, July 14th, 2010
30 surgeries? What a boob.
A model with the world’s largest set of ta-tas is fighting for her life after suffering complications following her 30th enhancement surgery.
Sheyla Hershey, who boasts and impressive 38-triple-K bra size, contracted a severe staph infection following her most recent breast augmentation procedure in June.
And now, to save her life, doctors might have to let the air out of both of her balloons.
Sucks to be going back to a training bra.
Seriously, Sheyla, thirty boob jobs? Not sure what you were going for, but guys really aren’t that turned on by udders. Or scars. Or boobs filled with puss.
Maybe you should have tried another procedure. Like brain surgery.
SUCKS TO BE killed by a porn movie
Tuesday, July 13th, 2010
The killer
There are a lot of ways to go. But this might be the strangest. Nicola Paginton, a 30-year-old nanny from England died of heart arrhythmia brought on by her self-induced state of sexual arousal.
Yep Ron Jeremy and a vibrating wand conspired to kill her.
Granted, there are suckier ways to kick the bucket. But to be found by the coroner with your g-string down to your ankles and an ElectroDix still trying to mount you, that’s a pretty crappy way to say goodbye to the world.
And the suckiest part of it all? The movie was a one-day rental. And we’re pretty sure she’s not going to get it back in time.
Sucks to have late fees.
SUCKS TO BE a spectator at the Wreck Beach North American Skinnydip
Monday, July 12th, 2010
Be aware if you’re planning a family trip to the beach in Vancouver, Britsh Columbia. The Wreck Beach Preservation Society will be attempting to break the Guinness world record for mass skinny dipping.
I don’t know about you, but with the exception of Shania Twain and Avril Lavigne, there aren’t many Canucks I’d want to see in their birthday suits. I mean the puffy mass of Molson bellies tattered with scars from pick up hockey games and bar fights is enough to make anyone go blind.
We here at STBY love our friends in the Great White North. But, quite honesty, we like you better with your Wayne Gretzky sweaters and your Dudley Doright knickers on.
So, do the world a favor, Wreck Beach Preservation Society. Cancel your temporary nudist colony and preserve our lunches from being hurled into the Pacific.
