Posts Tagged ‘Arkansas’

SUCKS TO BE Michelle Duggar’s uterus

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
Welcome to the City of Duggar

Welcome to the City of Duggar

Michelle Duggar is going to have a baby.  Now, you might not think that news like this would be “Sucks to be You” worthy,  until you consider the fact that Mrs. Duggar has already pushed out 18 little ones through her cooch.

That’s right, Michelle has enough kids to field an entire baseball team. And their opponent.

And it appears that she and her sperm machine Jim Bob will continue to rub uglies until they make enough people to fill the stands, too.

While this may be sucky for Michelle’s girl parts, which are ramping up for the XIX edition of vomiting and stretching and tearing and pushing, it’s even worse news for the Duggar naming committee. You see, Michelle and Jim Bob have made it a mandate in their little metropolis that all the children’s names begin with the letter J. Already they’ve used up Josh, Jordyn-Grace, Jana, John-David,  Jill,  Jessa,  Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jedidiah, Jason,  James,  Justin, Jackson, Johannah and Jennifer.

If our research staff is correct, the only thing left is Jay-Z.

Sucks to be that kid when it peeks its head out of Michelle in nine months.

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Posted in Bodily Harm, Dumbasses | 1 Comment »

SUCKS TO BE a hotel clerk who falls for a $50,000 prank call

Monday, June 15th, 2009
Mass disaster, just a phone call away

Mass disaster, just a phone call away

A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused mass panic and damage at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced employee Christina Bergmann to set off the hotel’s fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. The ruse resulted in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel’s windows, carpets and electrical system.

Sucks to be Chirstina Bergman.

Not only will she be demoted to head mopper and cleaner-upper, she’ll be working 7,142 minimum wage hours to pay off the repair bill.

Not surprisingly, Bergmann has a history of swallowing the proverbial fish hook.

On her first day at her job, she was seen frantically scampering down the street after a mini frig that was reported to be “running.” And just last week, she called 911 to rescue guest Prince Albert, who was reportedly trapped in a can.

Bergmann says she’ll pay off the debt after she sells off one of her prized properties in New York: The Brooklyn Bridge.

Thanks to Mike D. for the submission.

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Posted in Dumbasses | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE Arkansas

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
Come on now. Let's get busy.

The lone hold outs. For now.

Soooo-wwwwweeeeeee! What’s up, Razorbacks? How’s everyone down at WalMart HQ? Apparently too busy restocking the 99-cent sock shelves to be reading Sucks To Be You.

You see, according to our crack Google Analytics staff, as of yesterday, Arkansas was the only state not to check in to STBY.

Not one single visitor from the land of Huckabee. Ever.

Not good. Not good at all, y’all.

Since our inception back in December, we’ve had thousands upon thousands of visitors. Folks as far away as China and Singapore and India are pointing and clicking our way. And they can’t even read English.

So if you’re thinking of using that as an excuse, no go, pal.

We know that your fine state of pig farmers and cousin-marriers isn’t the hub of culture. But we gotta believe that there’s at least one of you down there smart enough to see how witty and biting and ironic and awesome we are.

So, c’mon folks. Don’t deny yourself this cultural expienence like you’ve done with literature and poetry. Log on to STBY now. And if it’s not too much trouble, can you use your pull and see about getting our STBY t-shirts sold through WalMart?

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Posted in Dumbasses, Gratuitous Self Promotion | No Comments »