Posts Tagged ‘arrest’

SUCKS TO BE pulled over for dildoing and driving

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

bildeWe all know you shouldn’t drink and drive. Or text and drive. But apparently, not all of us knew you couldn’t  do yourself  with a huge honkin’ love toy and drive.

That’s what one woman was doing when an Elmwood Place police officer pulled her over for having tinted windows. (I think we can all guess why they were tinted now).

When cop went to ask the driver for her license, he saw a pantyless woman with a  love toy dangling from her cooch, while her boyfriend in the passenger seat rolled hard core porn off the laptop.
Sucks to be that far from a bedroom.

The woman was cited for “inappropriate alertness” and “failure to find the G spot.”

SUCKS TO BE tased while having sex

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

taserST2006_468x342It’s one thing to have your drunk roomie, your children or your mom walk in on you while you’re grinding uglies with your little lady. It’s quite another when a police officer with a taser gun and an itchy finger ruins the mood.

But for one Seattle, Washingon Casanova, that’s exqctly what happened.

The menage a trois of sorts, took place around 2 a.m. when a deputy responded to a complaint of loud music. As the patrol car approached the home, its lights passed over a couple having sex on the lawn.

The couple began to put their clothes on, and the deputy approached them to ask for identification. The woman  screamed and ran away. The man approached the deputy, and was then shot with a taser gun.

Apparently the man would not “put down his weapon.”

The shot to the chest was not the climax Loverboy was hoping for. And instead of spending the rest of the night spooning the old lady, he bunked in a drunk tank with the Pearl Jam fan club.

Sucks to have the mood completely ruined.

SUCKS TO BE dragged by a train with your underwear at your ankles

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
Who's smiling now, a-hole?

Who's smiling now, a-hole?

Mooning — the art of displaying ones ass to the unsuspecting public — is not a prank without its hazards. Just ask one butt-bearer in Berlin who decided to show his goods to train passengers commuting to work.

When the man dropped trou and assumed the position, he accidentally caught  his chaps in a carriage door and was dragged half naked along the platform, out of the station and onto the tracks. He was pulled about 200 meters before he was able to crank the emergency brake and stop the wind burn.

The man suffered only mild cuts and bruises. But if police have their way, his pain has will last for some time. As a result of his indecent exposure, the pantless one faces charges of dangerous interference in rail transport, insulting the train staff, and may face sizeable a compensation claim for the delays he caused.

Our advice for the moondog? Find a less illegal way of annoying people. Maybe karaoke. Or break dancing. Or miming. Sure you won’t show your ass. But you certainly will look like one.

SUCKS TO BE arrested on an aggravated breath mint charge

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

the-shameAltoids might want to change their slogan to “The Curiously Illegal Mint” after a Kissimmee, Florida man was pulled over, arrested and sent to jail for three months for chewing on them. Apparently in The Sunshine State, it’s against the law to kill chronic halitosis.

As the story goes, Donald May was stopped for having an expired license plate. When the traffic cop noticed Mr. May chewing a white substance, he immediately thought “crack” and took the man into custody.

Turns out, the entire Kissimmee judicial system was, in fact, smoking crack. Because instead of looking at the candy, smelling the candy and comparing the candy to all the other candies in Mr. May’s tin box, they sent the candy to the lab to be tested. And what did they do with the fresh-breathed Mr. May? They sent him to the slammer for three months while they waited for the results.

The results: Donald May was chewing an Altoid.

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So take heed folks. If you’re ever wandering through that part of Elderlyville, hide that Kit Kat you got from the Circle K. Because the cops might mistake your snack for a brick of herion, a bag of pot, or who knows, an AK47. Which could delay your plans to see Mickey for quite some time.

SUCKS TO BE Clementine Lee, lemonade stand convict

Monday, August 17th, 2009

003_clementine_leeAt any given moment in New York City, you’ll find gun robbers, murderers and pimps destroying lives and making a shithole of the world. So, you’d think law enforcement would have their hands full. Right?

Apparently not. Because this week they decided to kill some time by infiltrating a little girl’s lemonade stand.

That’s right. NYC’s Special Forces came down hard on Clementine Lee,  a young girl who was selling 50-cent cups of lemon elixer to joggers, tourists and pervs in Central Park.

Not only did they shut down Clementine’s refreshment brothel, they slapped her with a $50 fine.

Sucks to be Clementine. That Ulysses S. Grant she had to cough up was the equivalent of  3 months of allowances. And 10 birthday cards from Aunt Ruth. And 100 freaking cups of delicious lemonade. It’s not easy money, folks. Unless you’re selling heroin. Like 100 other entrepreneurs in Central Park were doing while the cops were shaking down Ms. Lee.

Sucks to have your priorities upside down.