Posts Tagged ‘arrested’

SUCKS TO BE arrested for getting married

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

wedding_fight-13069A couple in Spain was recently sent to jail for tying the knot.

We know, many of you out there consider marriage a life sentence in itself (albeit with better chow and prettier shower partners), but this isn’t the “oh my God she’s nagging me and forcing me to watch Glee ” sort of confinement.

This is real jail. With mad-at-the-world bunkies and pricky wardens.

The husband and wife, who have been identified only as 4563462 and 4787233, were arrested for breaching an order which forbade them from coming within 500 meters of each other.

The distancing decree was imposed on the love birds when they gave the marriage thing its first go-around and decided to use that time to beat the living wedding vows out of each other.

But after a year off from bickering and yelling and creating a public nuisance,  the Dueling Lovers thought they’d patch things up. And when Civil Guard officers discovered them together in their home town of Motril, Spain, they hauled ‘em off to the license plate factory.

The man was sentenced to six months; the wife, to four. And to think all they wanted was some good, loud make-up sex.

SUCKS TO BE a prisoner of love

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Picture taken at approximately 3:45pm Monday.

Picture taken at approximately 3:45pm Monday.

At 4:19pm on Monday, 67-year-old Janet L. Ritter of Pennsylvania was arrested at Cumberland County Prison. That’s right, at the prison. Police said that she pulled into the jail parking lot, exited her car with the headlights still on, then came to the door and grabbed an officer by the shirt, demanding he arrest her “so she could help the prisoners inside.”

Just how bad does your life have to suck to be begging to be put in prison—at nearly 70 years old? Has your luck run dry at bingo? Are you going to completely lose it if you watch another hour of QVC? Did that bitch in your knitting class one-up the emotional drama of your heart surgery story…again?

Or were you just piss-ass drunk and overcome with the desire for a man in uniform to give you a good ol’ fashioned round of afternoon delight?

Sucks to be charged with drunken driving, public drunkenness, disorderly conduct and trespassing when all you wanted was to be handcuffed. To a bed.

SUCKS TO BE Trista Joy Lathern, cancer-faking boob

Monday, November 9th, 2009
Enjoy your new boobs in prison!

Enjoy your new boobs in prison!

In an attempt to save her failing 7-month-old marriage to her husband William, Trista Joy Lathern went and got herself a set of new, voluptuous, expensive jigglies. But as you’ll see, things didn’t quite work out the breast…er…best for Trista.

The 24-year-old was arrested Wednesday on theft by deception charges after she allegedly lied about having breast cancer, watched as family and friends raised $10,000 for her at a benefit and then reportedly spent the proceeds on fake funbags. She also reportedly lied about chemotherapy to get time off of work and shaved her head to look the part of a cancer patient.

So it’s no big freakin’ surprise that William Lathern is filing for an annulment of their marriage. And everyone else—from Trista’s friends, coworkers and ordinary folks learning about this story—is secretly wishing her terminal sickness weren’t simply of the mental sort.

SUCKS TO BE arrested for getting a case of the backdoor trots

Thursday, November 5th, 2009
Why the constipated look, David?

Why the constipated look, David?

David Todd Napodano, a 42-year-old Florida man, was arrested this week for exposing himself to a mom and her daughter in a Chevrolet box-truck van in a store parking lot.

His excuse? “Explosive diarrhea.” The kind that rumbles and is ready to roll in mere seconds, causing one to break out in a sweat, panic and sprint to the nearest place of relief like the poop police are after you.

But the mortified women’s report contains a detail that calls his story into question: Napodano allegedly stood up in his van and shook his hips at them. Now I don’t know about you, but the last thing I’d be doing if I had a serious case of the runs would be standing up. That’s just asking for a hot messy accident, especially considering how much upholstery is in a box-truck van.

According to police, upon examining Napodano’s underwear, no evidence of uncontrolled bowels was present. So unless he had a bad spat with invisible diahrrea, it appears Napodano is completely full of shit.

SUCKS TO BE right wing Christian fundamentalists who don't have sex with minors or gays

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
Juan Ovalle, who's very focused on your family—if you have horny daughters who are minors.

Juan Ovalle is very focused on your family—if you have horny daughters who are minors.

Right wing Christian fundamentalists who don’t have sex with minors or gays, it sucks to be you.

Because everywhere you turn, it seems someone keeps falling for Satan’s deceitful ways and jeopardizing your group’s express ticket to heaven. It seems all that talk about sin and sinners and hell and reckoning can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This week’s lesson in Religulousness: Juan Alberto Ovalle, a Colorado Springs man who narrates the Bible in Spanish on CDs and works in the Spanish broadcasting department of Focus on the Family, and who is facing two felony counts of using the Internet to lure a 15-year-old girl for sex.

(Listen here to Ovalle reading various admonitions against unlawful fornication from 1 Corinthians.)

Our advice to sexually repressed preachy perverts like Ovalle is to take a break from your Bible studyin’ every once in a while and Focus on the Television (don’t worry, it’s not a sin to watch). There’s a show called To Catch a Predator, where you’d quickly learn that hot 15-year-old virgins who want disgusting pigs like you to be their first simply don’t exist.

They’re a fake, a facade, a smokescreen.

Just like you.

SUCKS TO BE arrested for having a junior-sized Johnson

Friday, February 13th, 2009

"Is it cold in here, or is it just me?" Chin wonders from jail.

Veroy Omar Chin of Port St. Lucie, Florida had big, big hopes for this extra-long Valentine’s and President’s Day weekend. But his exciting plans were abruptly shriveled when he was nabbed by police for attempting to pilfer a box of Maximum Strength Extenze Male Enhancement tablets from a Wal-Mart Supercenter.

So instead of poking an elongated Cupid’s arrow into his lucky lady this romantic holiday, it looks like Veroy Omar Chin will be the one getting poked. In a place called jail, and by a guy much larger than him who can’t resist his pretty boy name.

Veroy Omar Chin, it sucks to be you on Valentine’s Day. Like all men at some point in their lives, your penis got you into a sticky situation. But what sets you apart is that you didn’t even get laid. And to make matters even suckier, now everyone in the world knows that your pecker is puny.

SUCKS TO BE Amber Carter, the 4th grade teacher redefining "hooky"

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
If Amber Carter turns 3 tricks a week, for $250 each, every full week of Ohio's standard public school year, how much will she earn in total for the year if her teacher's salary is already $29,000?

If Amber Carter turns 3 tricks a week for $250 each every full week of Ohio's standard public school year, how much will she earn in total for the year if her teacher's salary is already $29,000? (Tip: remember that she loses 2 weeks of tricks due to the Holiday break in December!)

If the better pay for teachers movement was looking for its spokesperson, we at STBY think they’ve finally found their girl. Because today, authorities in Bellefontaine, Ohio say they’ve arrested fourth-grade teacher Amber Carter, 35, at a motel parking lot on charges of prostitution. And apparently, this wasn’t a Saturday night, earn some extra cash on the side sort of thing for Amber.

No, kiddies, your sweet little teacher was out playing hooker…er…hooky with a John while you simply thought she was in the John. She even used the classroom computer to arrange the bangfest.

But the question we keep asking ourselves is, why would someone in one of the world’s most noble professions turn to the world’s oldest profession? Does your salary suck hairy balls that bad?

Bellefontaine City Schools Superintendent Larry Anderson says officials are shocked at the news. Which probably doesn’t compare to the daily shock students experienced when their teacher came back from lunch wearing a leather mini-skirt, fuck-me boots and puffing on Virginia Slims.