Posts Tagged ‘ban’

SUCKS TO BE a guy with a blow dryer in Palestine

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

glenn_gray-floydThe Faaaabulous set on the Gaza Strip is pulling their well coiffed hair out today. Why? Because Hamas, the unofficial  fashion police in Palestine, have made it illegal for any man to work at a beauty salon.

For every young boy who dreamed of wielding a blowdryer or giving a perm, this spells trouble. Now their only career choice is grabbing an AK47 and making the entire Middle East nervous as hell.

And for every woman who decides to unwrap the sheet from their head, it’s double sucky. Because when they do, it’s going to be a Lady Gaga sort of Bad Hair Day.

Someone needs to call Amnesty International. Because this kind of style torture just ain’t cool.

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Posted in National/World Interest | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE served a watered down vodka gimlet in Tennessee

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

SPSCG

Warning Nashville bar hoppers: Get used to the lousy mixed drinks and the endless parade of warm beers. Because Johnny Law just gave the green light for bad service by stripping you of the one thing you need to make sure your bartender gets it right — your gun. That’s right, you’ve been banned from bringing your deer-killing/service-expediting machine into any establishment that serves booze.

Sucks to be you. Because now Gladys the bar-keep has lost all her motivation to do her job. (Let’s face it the 52 cents, 12 empties, and sob stories you leave her every night aren’t actually inspiring her keep the bowls of Chex Mix coming.)

We’re not sure why those douchebags in robes are carving up the Second Amendment with such reckless abandon, because nothing goes together better than large amounts of alcohol and firearms. Just look at those old Gunsmoke reruns, you’ll see.

The weapons ban is not only going to affect drink orders.

I mean how are you going to take care of the Yuppie who’s hitting on your girlfriend? How are you going to get your seat back when you return from the John? With words? Puleeeeezzzzze.

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Posted in General Suckiness | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE a teenager in Providence looking for a job

Saturday, October 3rd, 2009

teen-stripper-rhode-islandProvidence, Rhode Island City Council is about to pass a law that bans anyone under 18 from performing as professional strippers. Which is really bad news for the girls looking to earn a little money they can turn around and waste on overpriced clothes at Aeropostale.

So, sucks to be you, Ashley and Courtney and Jessi with a heart over the “i”.

Looks like it’s back to the really crappy jobs like flipping greasy burgers at McDonald’s or waiting on a-holes at Denny’s or ringing up white trash crap at Walmart.

Oh, and good luck even getting those jobs. Because with unemployement at 9.8% in the country, chances are your mom and dad will be applying for them too.

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Posted in Legal Matters | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE a guy with a full house at the Canton Woods Senior Center

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
"Poker in the front, liquor in the rear. Now we got neither, Stu."

"Poker in the front, liquor in the rear. Now we got neither, Stu."

Rest easy, citizens of Baldwinsville, New York. That big gambling ring that’s been tearing at the moral fabric of your community has finally been eradicated. That’s right –  the police have closed down the Canton Woods Senior Center penny-ante poker game.

Whew!

And while it’s great that you can finally let your children back outside, it sucks for the old codgers stuck inside. Because now they’ve got nothing to while away their remaining days but Wii bowling and concerts by tone-deaf 5th graders who can’t remember the words to “This Land is Your Land.”

“This is an outrage,” one fossil proclaimed.  “I won 73 cents yesterday. And $1.04 the day before. Give me another 27 years, and I could have taken old Eugene for everything he’s worth.”

C’mon coppers. Don’t take away the only degenerate joy these guys have left. After all, it’s pretty hard to chase skirts strapped in a scooter. And drinking with the boys would only result a thousand bad drug interactions. So cut them some slack .  And, hey,  if you really want to outlaw something for our senior friends, please make it driving 0.3 mph in a 55 zone.

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Posted in Criminals, Dumbasses | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE a college kid who just discovered the YouTube

Monday, June 29th, 2009

Mormon students at Brigham Young University—otherwise known as the one college where young adults don’t binge drink and have premarital sex—are finally being allowed to indulge a little. After years of protecting students from the progressive ways of the modern world, school officials have lifted the University’s ban on the YouTube.

To commemorate the special event, students will be gather on the quad, drink water in red party cups, watch the video of the baby in “Hahaha” over and over and over, and laugh modestly until they realize the bundle of joy in the video is now older than they are.

Welcome to the 21st century, kids. Here are a couple other things you should know as you embark on your temptation-filled journey:

  • Boys have penises, girls have vaginas
  • Starbucks is a store that makes this hot black caffeinated liquid called coffee, and should you ever leave the Utopia that is Salt Lake City, you can find one every six feet
  • The Internet will lead you to pornography, which leads to a certain urge, which leads to masturbation, which leads straight to the flames of Hell

Good luck!

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Posted in Random/Weird, Society | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE within earshot of Lilburn, Georgia

Saturday, April 18th, 2009

karaokeGet the microphones and lyric sheets out of mothballs! The City Council of Lilburn, Georgia has lifted its ban on karaoke singing!

This of course, is awesome news for Bubba from the auto parts store who does one mean “Eye of the Tiger.” And also for cougars from the aerobics class who can now treat all of Liburn to their own unique — albiet lyrically inaccurate — rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

But for the other 11,304 residents of this quiet little town, this is the worst news since “Lee Surrenders.”

You see, along with their legalization of tone-deaf  howling by rank amateurs, Liburn officials also lifted their ban on alcohol. Which means loud, off-key singing is also going to be loud, off-key, unitelligible, burp-laden, uncontrollable giggling singing.

So pull the cinder blocks out from under the mobile home. Because it’s time to move your aluminum shanty to a place where ABBA still sounds like ABBA.

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Posted in Legal Matters | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE Baby in Brunswick, Ohio

Friday, February 20th, 2009

dirty+dancing+DirtyDancingPosterC10315512Brunswick High School, in an effort to get absolutely nobody to come to the winter formal, is requiring all attendees to sign an agreement adhering to 10 new rules of behavior.  The most noteworthy — no “dirty dancing.” According to Principal Michael Mayell, students who engage in “simulated sexual grinding” will be tossed from the festivities. After which, they’ll proceed to have unsimulated sex in the backseat of dad’s Lexus.

Swift thinkin’ there, Mr. Mayall.

We here at STBY really feel for the kids’ sucky situation. Afterall, it seems like the only way they’re ever gonna cop a feel in high school is if they shack up with the music teacher.

Boy, how times have changed.

Other “Stay Out of My  Goddamn Dance” rules implemented by Mr. Mayall:

1) No simulated stealing of booze from the parent’s liquor cabinet.

2) No simulated stashing of the weed in the cumber bun.

3) No simulated nerd teasing

4) No simulated mocking of Mr. Mayell

5) No simulated having of a good time

Sucks to be a Brunswick High student, for sure.

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Posted in Dumbasses, Society | No Comments »

SUCKS TO BE the legislators who outlawed snake charming

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
Take that, you stupid law maker!

Take that, you stupid law maker!

Way back in 1991 the Indian government, in an attempt to curb animal cruelty, banned snake charmers. You know, those freaky dudes who get pythons to dance out of a basket on cue?

Yeah, well with no means of gainful employment in almost two decades, these reptile enthusiasts had plenty of time to contemplate the merits of the law. And to put it bluntly, they are mad as hell. So, deciding that the ban is unfair, they have taken to the streets in a protest to get their jobs back.

Which totally sucks for the folks who banned the charming in the first place. Why? Because now they have a thousand angry, out-of-work citizens coming after them. With snakes who’ll do whatever they say.

Not a comforting thought, to be sure.

So snake-charmer banners, you might want to cut out of work early and hide. Because you’ve got a thousand pythons coming after you. Pythons who need a job. Need a meal. And can eat an entire llama—or an idiotic politician—in one sitting.

Sucks to be snake food.

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Posted in Animals, Legal Matters, Random/Weird | No Comments »