Posts Tagged ‘beer’

SUCKS TO BE a thirsty racing fan in Australia

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

beer cans empty lots tons many pileIn an attempt to reduce alcohol-related crime, organizers of the popular Bathurst 1000 auto race are limiting attendees to one “slab” of beer a day. For those of you who are not familiar with the Aussie lingo, a “slab” equals 24 cans.

Sucks to throw up on your shoes only once. Sucks to fall on your face and suffer only mild contusions. Sucks to wake with only a 3-alarm headache.

Jesus H. Christ, Aussies. How much beer were you drinking before they had to cut you off at a case? We know you need a whole lot of something to wash down the vegemite and Kangaroo sandwiches, but try a spot of tea. Or a cola.

Because if race officials have to LIMIT you to two freaking gallons of beer a day, you might want to consider attending another event. Like rehab.

SUCKS TO BE a beer-drinking Muslim woman in Malaysia

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

Picture 2When we hammer down the brewskies, God has an infinite number of  ways in which to punish us. He can curse us with a  two-day head throbber. He can cast upon us the bed spins. Or He might give us particularly bad eye sight at closing time at the bars.  But in the Muslim world, the Big Guy is really tough on the boozers: He has them thrown in jail and beaten  with a cane.

Such was the punishment of  Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno, a Muslim woman who was caught holding a Pabst Blue Ribbon in a Kuala Lumpur  bar.  Someone forgot to tell the beer-bonging Kartika that Muslim  women are forbidden to drink. Her punishment for her indiscretion: six lashes with a rattan cane and a fine of 5,000 ringgit ($1,400).  Considering that floggings are usually reserved for rapists and murderers, we can only assume that she had a whole lot of “dead soldiers” clanking around her feet when the authorities arrived.

Hey, we are not here to judge religions. You need only look at the puffy-faced, gravel-throated ,vodka-chugging Russian women to see how a law forbidding a lady to sip the devil juice might make sense. But still, getting beaten with a cane? That does seem a little harsh. And considering that not many women wander into bars in the Muslim world, don’t you think the guys around the pool table would do anything to encourage them to stay?

Sucks to be trolling for the ladies in Malaysia.

SUCKS TO BE a man who isn't a member of St. Stephens Church in England

Monday, June 22nd, 2009
Nectar of the Gods

Nectar of the Gods

Gentlemen, it doesn’t matter if you’re Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, Buddhist or Jewish, you are going to wish you converted.

Why? Because yesterday, St. Stephen’s Church in Barbourne, Worcester handed out beer to every man in the congregation. It was their way of saying “Happy Father’s Day.”

Considering how the last beer promotion like this went, it’s surprising the good Church took a chance on dealing with a throng of drunk men.

“All in all it went pretty well,” noted Rt. Rev. John Inge, the Bishop of Worcester. “I got a little worried when our men’s choir replaced  ‘Amazing Grace’ with ‘100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.’ But God will forgive.”

With the success of Beer Night, St. Stephens is thinking of expanding its appeal to attract even more men. “Next year we’re considering Halle Berry Poster Night or maybe we’ll just forget the whole dying for your sins thing, and play the ‘Die Hard’ trilogy,” Inge said.

The church’s ploy to use beer to get the guys closer to the Lord did in fact work. Later that night many men who attended were found praying to the porcelain god.

SUCKS TO BE sold for 100 cases of beer by your dad

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

BEER 032608 CGKWhat is the value of a human life? Well, if you’re Marcelino de Jesus Martinez of Greenfield, California, the answer to this age-old question can be found inside the Beer Cave at the local Circle K.

As the story goes, Mr. Martinez sold his own daughter — his little princess –  for a year’s supply of barley shakes. For the sake of the 14-year-old girl’s self-esteem, we hope that she went for something in the Guinness range. PBR or High Life seems really degrading.