Posts Tagged ‘china’

SUCKS TO BE a guy looking for a date in China

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

china-weddingA new report reveals that as many as 24 million eligible bachelors in China may never be able to marry because of a lack of women in the country.

New stats from the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences show that in some areas of the nation, the dude-to-chick ratio was as high as 130-100.

This, of course, is terrible news for all those guys who had their hearts set on giving up their opinions, their remote controls and their nights out stuffing Yuans in the garters of Beijing’s pasty patrol.

But look on the bright side guys –  all that money you were going to spend on the dust ruffles, bathroom potpourri and apology flowers, you can now spend on porn.

Which is great news. Because you’re going to need it.

SUCKS TO BE a young athlete in China

Friday, September 4th, 2009
Nothing is more of a chick magnet that a guy who plays ping pong

Nothing is more of a chick magnet that a guy who plays ping pong

Here in America, the jocks get everything. The mad cash. The chicks. The get-out-of-jail free cards. It’s really an embarrassment of riches, if you think about it.

In China, however, life is a tad bit suckier for the sporting types.  Just ask Olympic medalist Wang Hao. The world champion ping-ponger has lived under some pretty douchey government rules. Mao and Company have restricted Wang from endorsement contracts, they’ve scooped up his winnings to pay for Politburo drink fests, and they’ve even banned him from getting jiggy with the ladies. (Now we know why Yao Ming paddled his rickshaw so frickin’ fast to Houston.)

News of Wang’s Tieneman Square-esque crack down came to light when the Chinese government finally relented and allowed him to slow dance and cop a feel. Apparently his permanent boner was impeding his ability to swing a paddle and collect more medals.

We don’t know what’s going on in China, but the no dating crap’s gotta stop. It’s one thing to deny people the right to protest and vote and eat something beside Fido. But to deny them a good old fashioned boinking in the back of dad’s station wagon? That’s the kind of stuff that will make Amnesty International go ballistic.

So knock it off, China, unless you want the biggest, baddest masturbating team in the whole wide world.

SUCKS TO BE The Marlboro Toddler

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

Picture 6Oh, they grow up so, so  fast. One day they’re sucking on their Mickey Mouse binkies, the next day they’re sucking down a pack of unfiltered Camels.

And by the next day, we mean the next day.

Meet Tong Liangliang of Tianjin, China –  quite possibly the youngest cigarette addict on the planet. Tong’s parents started giving him the butts to help him deal with his inoperable hernia. Apparently they thought the pain of lung cancer would help him forget about the pain in his tummy.

So now Tong has a pack-a-day habit and Garanimals that smell like the tailpipe of a ‘78 Datsun.

Tong, not to bum you out or anything. But if emphasemia doesn’t kill you off before you’re 5, you’ve got a pretty sucky life ahead of you. Not sure your parents of the year told you, but Chuck E. Cheese’s doesn’t have a smoking section. So no fun birthday parties for you. You can’t hold a butt while you’re finger painting. So forget the pictures for the fridge.  And we’re pretty sure every toy made in China is flammable. So the chance of you torching your shanty on any given day is pretty damn good.

Sucks to have parents who can’t find the Tylenol.

SUCKS TO BE on the prowl after 107 years

Monday, May 11th, 2009

wang-guiyingMeet Wang Guiying, single gal. For the past 107 years, Miss Guiying has been husbandless.  Which means for well over a century, she hasn’t had to gripe about underwear being left on the bathroom floor. She hasn’t had to bitch about the the big guy boozing with his work buddies. And not once has she had to say, “Put the damn toilet seat down when you’re done with it.”

But now, Miss G. is thinking maybe she’s been missing out. And she’s looking for that special someone to pop the question.

Here’s a question for you, Wang: Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Honey, you’re 107 freakin’ years old. You’re not going to find a lot of takers at the Beijing singles bars. And, let’s face it, there aren’t many dudes on match.com seeking “hot babe with rigormortis setting in.”

In other words, the dating pool — even with the kajillion people you’ve got wandering around in your country — is pretty slim.

If by chance you do find some centurion bachelor who wants to put a ring around your arthritic knuckles, bring an oxcart of Viagra. Otherwise  your wedding night is going to be like all the other nights of your 107-year life. Which, given how long you’ve saved yourself, really sucks.

SUCKS TO BE born with two penises

Saturday, May 9th, 2009
"Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Jun we are quite certain it is a boy."

"Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Jun we are quite certain it is a boy."

It’s a well-documented fact that a man’s pecker can get him in trouble. Just ask Bill Clinton.

And Ted Haggard.

And Pee Wee Herman.

And John Wayne Bobbit.

And any preschool boy who gets his thing caught in the zipper of his Garanimals trousers.

The penis really has a way of bringing a considerable amount of misfortune. Which is not-so-encouraging news for Li Jun of China.

Why? Because Li was born with two of the man parts—one where it’s supposed to be and one in the middle of his back. Li’s condition is called Fetus in Fetu. And it’s so rare, that only 90 cases have been reported in the history of mankind.

Sucks to be that special. So all we can say, Li, is good luck finding a shirt that fits. Good luck aiming that thing into the urinal. And good luck explaining that Hunchback of Notre Dame protrusion you’ve got to that pretty girl who walks by.

SUCKS TO BE Kong Lin, swallower of scissors

Friday, April 3rd, 2009
How do you say, "Ouuuuucchhhh!!!!" in Chinese?

How do you say, "Ouuuuucchhhh!!!!" in Chinese?

Let’s be honest. The Chinese eat a lot of unappetizing crap. Raw fish. Testicles. Neighborhood dogs.
But there’s nothing quite as strange as the delicacy Kong Lin dined on this week: a pair of sharp scissors.

“You know, it’s just looked better than the Sweet and Sour Labradoodle they had on special.” Kong noted.

Actually Kong swallowed the scissors, which he was using as a toothpick, while he was laughing at a friend’s joke.

Now look who’s laughing. Us.

Thanks to Kong’s inexplicable inability to keep  a 4-inch blade from going into his mouth, past his teeth, over his tongue and down his throat,  he had to undergo a delicate 30-minute surgery.Without general anesthesia.

Which means getting the scissors out was suckier for Kong than getting the scissors in there in the first place.

Also removed during the procedure: a pair of tweezers, a set of grilling tongs, and a Toro weed whacker.

Mmm…finger lickin’ good.

SUCKS TO BE a family-minded gerbil in China

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

3femalesChinese officials, who are taking a break from filling our houses with worthless crap and violating the human rights of every last one of their citizens, have moved on to their next important task: giving gerbils abortions.

It seems the little guys (the gerbils, we mean) are multiplying like, well, the Chinese themselves. And the government is feeling the threat of a coup of some kind. They’re also feeling the threat of disease. So they’ve undertaken a program to stop the spread of gerbil babies.

Apparently their efforts to teach the gerbils abstinence until marriage has failed. And the free condom program just encouraged the rodents to have sex more.

So if you’re a gerbil in China, you might want to make your way to the PetSmart ship. Yes, your life might be confined to a cage, but at least you can be fruitful and multiply.