Posts Tagged ‘college’

SUCKS TO BE a vocal college fornicator

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

Quiet+signThe student union at Cambridge University’s Newnham College e-mailed the school’s 400 undergraduate students, asking them to be quieter during sexual encounters.

The student union said it sent the e-mail to all undergrads Tuesday after receiving 30 complaints about late-night “oohs” and “aahs” and “will you respect me in the mornings” in the residence halls.

“It’s just so embarrassing to think that people have been listening in. I was blushing when I got the email,” a 20-year-old student said. “You try to keep it down, but it’s easy to forget the walls are so thin if you get a bit carried away.”

Sucks to zip it up when the zippers are down.

When asked if they would abide by the ordinance for quieter rubbing of the uglies, the response was an overwhelming yes… Yes! YES! YES! YEEESSSS!!!

SUCKS TO BE hard up for tuition

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

collegeIf you think it’s difficult paying for college in the states, try enrolling in New Zealand.

It’s gotten so bad, that one co-ed-to-be has  taken to Internet prostitution to pay for school. As the ‘rents always said, “If your brains can’t get you into college, use your vajayjay.”

The 19-year-old girl, who only goes by Unigirl, is auctioning off her cooter to the highest bidder. And when the bell sounded, Unigirl and her Unipie raked in a whopping $32,000.

$32,000? That’s it? Big fatsos whose only skill is putting on a helmet get more than that. And in this day and age, that romp in the hay with Mr. Oldfart isn’t going to get you much past the hazing at the Delta Pi sorority.

College is expensive. And once you get there, they guys aren’t going to shell out $32K to get inside your pants. The going rate on campus is a couple of dirty martinis and the promise to call you in the morning.

So if you want to get the full four-year college experience, put a few more ads on the Internet or take out a student loan. Either way, you’re getting screwed.

SUCKS TO BE denied a beer pipeline to your dorm

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

Picture 1Students from Sweden’s Chalmers University marched on a nearby brewery to protest the decades-long lack of progress on a beer pipeline to the student union.

Yes, apparently, gupling barley shakes by the 6-pack ain’t quite cutting it for the kids.  And who can blame them really. Trudging through 87 feet of snow in the pitch black noontime sky can really ruin your buzz. And getting Lars to make a beer run for the guys in the dorm is a bit tough when he’s upstairs banging Tiger Woods’ ex.

So a few years back, the students made an agreement with the local brewery to provide them an IV of foamy love that would never run out. But Nordic construction being what it is, the crews only completed 6.5 feet of the 62 mile pipeline so far. Yep, only 327,353.5 feet to go till it’s Beer Bong City.

Clearly, the students will have to rough it for some time with their fake IDs and plasma donations for beer money.

Unless, of course, they switch to Absolut. In Sweden, there’s always plenty of that.

SUCKS TO BE the Shippensburg Prowler

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

Police in Shippensburg are on the lookout for the Shippensburg Prowler.

It’s a fancy name for the creepy perv who’s allegedly entering the homes of young women and watching them while they sleep, only to leave when the victim awakes.

There are only 3,011 ladies in the booming Pennsylvania metropolis. Which means word gets around fast. So Mr. Sleepinsburg Prowler, it is going to seriously suck to be you when one of these chicks flips on a lamp and the first thing she lays eyes on is your face. She’s gonna’ go more psychotic than you already are and kick your ass. And we’re praying she kicks your balls, too. shippensburgcomposite

Witnesses describe you as white, 30 to 50 years old and with a medium build.

We would have described you as Master Oogway in Kung-Fu Panda.kungfupanda

Or that smart genius who owns Microsoft.

Or an old Volkswagen Beetle with the headlights on.

But hey, Shippsler, no matter what people say you look like, you’ll always suck in our book of Least Helpful Police Drawings Ever.