Why the constipated look, David?

David Todd Napodano, a 42-year-old Florida man, was arrested this week for exposing himself to a mom and her daughter in a Chevrolet box-truck van in a store parking lot.

His excuse? “Explosive diarrhea.” The kind that rumbles and is ready to roll in mere seconds, causing one to break out in a sweat, panic and sprint to the nearest place of relief like the poop police are after you.

But the mortified women’s report contains a detail that calls his story into question: Napodano allegedly stood up in his van and shook his hips at them. Now I don’t know about you, but the last thing I’d be doing if I had a serious case of the runs would be standing up. That’s just asking for a hot messy accident, especially considering how much upholstery is in a box-truck van.

According to police, upon examining Napodano’s underwear, no evidence of uncontrolled bowels was present. So unless he had a bad spat with invisible diahrrea, it appears Napodano is completely full of shit.