Text messages like this, while a real time-saver, are now a memory of the past in China.

Not long ago, the hyper-paranoid and oppressive Commie government of China banned citizens’ access to Facebook and YouTube. Then last year it shut down over 15,000 pornographic websites. And now, it’s going to block vulgar text messages from being sent between mobile phone users.

It sucks a schlong to have absolutely no inspirational material for Slappy Hour.

But amidst all the cancer-causing smog there is a glimmer of hope, our sexually-repressed short Asian friends. You see, your government will never take away your hands because you need them to work 140-hour weeks making lethal dog food and lead-covered children’s toys for Americans. So grab the Jergen’s lotion, draw the blinds, let your imagination go hog-wild and enjoy yourself. Just make sure your phone is off.