Chinese officials, who are taking a break from filling our houses with worthless crap and violating the human rights of every last one of their citizens, have moved on to their next important task: giving gerbils abortions.

It seems the little guys (the gerbils, we mean) are multiplying like, well, the Chinese themselves. And the government is feeling the threat of a coup of some kind. They’re also feeling the threat of disease. So they’ve undertaken a program to stop the spread of gerbil babies.

Apparently their efforts to teach the gerbils abstinence until marriage has failed. And the free condom program just encouraged the rodents to have sex more.

So if you’re a gerbil in China, you might want to make your way to the PetSmart ship. Yes, your life might be confined to a cage, but at least you can be fruitful and multiply.