That’s right, they’re getting a divorce.

The good news is the Woods will be getting into the Guinness Book of World Records as the oldest couple to go single.  The bad news? They’re going to have to repair the emotional scars they’re leaving in their selfish wake.

What about  the kid, guys? She’s only 65 years young. How do you expect her to understand this?  How do you expect her to deal with the fact that her daddy and mommy won’t be living together anymore?

Nobody’s real sure why Bertie and Jessie decided to pay lawyers to split them up, when nature was well on its way of taking care of that for free.  I mean at  just  a smidge under 100, one of them was bound to keel over in mid-nag.

But clearly, staring at 98-year-old wrinkles all day was too much too bear. So now, Bertie and Jessie are going to play the field.

Single bars will never be the same.

Mr. and Mrs. Purdam, right before they called the lawyer

Weddings are supposed to the most unsucky occassion for a bride and groom. It’s the day the two exchange tearful vows, embrace in a kiss with each klink of the glass, and lovingly smash expensive cake in one another’s face.

That’s pretty special.  Unless the groom’s girlfriend shows up and ruins everything.

Such was the case for Mr. and Mrs. Harold Purdam of Queens, New York. On the day of their nuptials, everything was going according to script. But just as the guests finished their group performance of “The Macarena,” Jennifer Angevine stood up and announced to all the aunts and uncles and grandmas and cousins that she and Mr. P were fucking.

Uh…we were hoping for the speech from the best man.

Well, needless to say, the best day of the year turned into the worst day of the Purdams’ life. News of the affair sent the recently-anointed Mrs. P. into a celibate tizzy. And her parents got a huge head start on despising the son-in-law. (Let’s face it, all the cute grandchildren in the world can’t make up for this little indiscretion.)

So, it looks like the newlyweds will be skipping the honeymoon in Myrtle Beach and the house in the ‘burbs and the Labrador named Bailey, and get right to the good part — the divorce.  Sucks to be you, Mr. and Mrs. Purdam.

Mr. Right, we presume.

According to Reuters, a German woman is divorcing her husband for helping around the house too much. Yes, all you guys parked on your La-Z-Boy, scratching your balls, watching ESPN, you heard right. It seems this woman was completely fed up with his “typical guy antics” of  tidying up and doing the household chores all the time.

“I don’t get him,” the angry woman commented. “There’s beer cluttering up the fridge for weeks on end. There are bags of Doritos he won’t clean out. And the poker chips? They’re piled sky high in  the closet. I just don’t understand why he won’t help me out a little here.”

She’s also upset that he cooks gourmet meals and brings her to complete orgasm every morning.

The bastard.

Lady, if you’re looking for a real man — a man who’ll treat you like a maid and completely ignore your every want and need — come to the US of A. We’ve got millions of guys who never heard the word ‘vacuum cleaner.’ So ditch that loser you’re married to, get your passport, and let’s put the husband-wife relationship back where it belongs — in the Stone Age.

We’re not quite sure how Judge Wapner will rule on this one, but STBY thinks Mr. B. has a pretty good case. DNA tests will prove it’s his (that always works on CSI). Public sympathy will be on his side (nobody roots for a cheatin’ wife). And with divorce attorneys involved, you know it’s gonna get bloody. Figuratively and literally. Our money’s on Mr. B. Sucks to by you, Dawnell.