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Posts Tagged ‘drunk’
SUCKS TO BE Claudia Rivero, reporting live on how pumped-up Phillies fans are for the World Series
Monday, October 26th, 2009SUCKS TO BE Joseph Quigley, slapped with his 5th DUI while not even driving a car
Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
Missing from the directions: Don't down a keg before using.
WTH, STBY, if he wasn’t driving a car, then how did he end up being charged with a DUI?
Technically speaking, folks, snowmobiles are considered motor vehicles, too. That’s right, on one of the hottest days of the summer, Joseph Quigley dusted off the ole snowmobile and decided to take her for a spin after 1 a.m. in the morning. But not before shotgunning a 30-pack of High Life’s and achieving an impressive .183% BAC.
“It’s so boilin hot, occifer, I’m just tryin ta cool off natrally in the snow,” the shitfaced man said before being tasered by Colchester, Vermont police and arrested for his 5th DUI.
Now, Joeseph, it looks like you’ll be cooling off in a cement prison cell.
Sucks to be you.
SUCKS TO BE sharing your hotel bed with a drunk, naked squatter
Thursday, August 13th, 2009
Enough of us have woken up in the wee hours of the morning with a bar room surprise lying next to us. It’s shocking. It’s horrifying. But when we finally calm the demons in our heads and wipe the vodka gimlet out of our eyes, we take responsibility for dragging the roadkill into our beds. And we repent by vowing sobriety for all eternity. Or at least until the nausea goes away.
And then there’s the story of some Queenstown, Austrailia hotel occupants who went to bed as a couple, and woke up as a threesome. Normally, we here at STBY would applaud that kind of upgrade. But not this time.
It seems a nude drunk man was wandering the halls of the hotel and mistakenly staggered into the couple’s room. Apparently, he was so looped that he didn’t recognize the bed was already occupied. So, he snuggled his way in between the couple to sleep off his blindness.
When the woman rolled over to spoon her beloved, she got a huge whiff of sweaty stranger pubes and hurl.
Sucks to be subjected to that kind of breaking and entering.
Needless to say, the woman ran, the man yelled and the drunk man was escorted away. Although we’re pretty sure he was charged for his third of the room.
SUCKS TO BE ordered by the police to drive drunk and then get arrested for driving drunk
Friday, July 17th, 2009
Now, Mr. Peterson, I'd like you to hold up a convenience store.
After overdoing it at a Dave Matthews Band concert, Travis Peterson of Madison, Wisconsin, was seeing quadruple and speaking in what seemed like a weird combination of Lithuanian and Pig Latin. Deciding this might be an indication that his blood alcohol level was in the “stay the hell off the road” range, he decided to sleep off his $50 worth of draft beer in the parking lot.
While napping, Travis was awoken by a police officer, who informed him that he had to move is vehicle off the parking lot. Travis, being the responsible drunk that he was, told the cop that he was trying to get sober. The cop, being the responsible parking lot clearer that he was, told him to move the car anyway. When Travis started the engine and pulled away, he was immediately arrested by the parking-lot-clearer-turned-dickhead, who cited him for driving under the influence of alcohol.
As a result, Travis will spend the next 60 days parked in jail.
We’re not sure how the law works in Madison, Officer Ahole. But in the rest of the country, you can’t order people to break the law and then arrest them for doing what they’re told. It’s called entrapment. And douchebaggery. So quit trying to invent your own crime scenes. And go back to hiding in the bushes with your radar gun and your box of glazed Dunkin’s.
SUCKS TO BE Larry Wilder, drunkard in a trash can
Saturday, June 20th, 2009
"Mr. Wilder, this is your 9am wake up call"
When you overdo it at the bars, you can wake up in the most unfortunate places. On your friend’s lumpy couch. In a holding cell at the county jail. In the naked arms of Matilda the barmaid. Or if you have a really fun night, you might wind up sleeping in a maggot-infested trash can, like Larry Wilder did
Mr. Wilder, who is actually an attorney for the Jeffersonville, Indiana City Council, decided to sleep it off in the Waste Management Motel. Police officers discovered him a bit hung over, a bit dehydrated, a bit embarrassed but generally in good shape.
Asked to comment, Mr. Wilder said, “The room service wasn’t the greatest and the place could’ve really used a mini-bar.”
No charges were filed against Larry, as there is no law against being white trash.
SUCKS TO BE a St. Patrick's Day Overachiever
Tuesday, March 17th, 2009SUCKS TO BE a 4th grade student at Boozeville Elementary School
Thursday, March 12th, 2009
Teachers' aides
“Gin + Tonic = Gin and tonic.”
“2 x 2 = upside down Margarita.”
“4 divided by… oh man, I gotta take a piss.”
And so was the lesson plan for the 4th grade students at Roosevelt Elementary West Side School in St. Paul, Minn.—a class that was being taught by none other than Foster Brooks.
Or so it seemed. You see, this week, a substitute teacher (who either didn’t want his name revealed or couldn’t remember it), showed up for work with a bottle of vodka and a blood alcohol level of .18.
In other words, he was tanked. Hey, we know that it sucks to be a substitute teacher. A room full of disrespecting rugrats can be a bit overwhelming. And we completely get that, given your sucky situation, you might need something to take the edge off. But a 5th of hooch? C’mon.
Forget what you’re doing to yourself (fired from a job you didn’t even have, huge hangover, lifetime banishment from the teacher’s lounge), think about what you’re doing to the kids.
These impressionable young children are still trying to understand simple fractions, and you’re trying to force the complexities of making a White Russian on them? They’re still learning to skip rope and play 4-Square; they can’t possibly have the motor skills to get through a game of Thumper and Quarters. They can barely finish their carton of chocolate milk. So a beer bong will be difficult at best.
Mr. Vodka Gimlet, we know your heart is in the right place. We know that you want your children to be advanced. But let’s not rush them. Let’s not set them up for failure. Let’s let them be kids who get a buzz the old fashioned way—by spinning around at break-neck speed on their swings.
