Truck Driver Mug Shot (Artists Rendering)

If you’re driving on the main drag from the Boras, Sweden to Gothenburg, Sweden, you’re probably not reading this. You’re probably sitting in your car wondering why traffic hasn’t moved for three *%*$*%#!@@! hours.

Well, the reason you’re late for work at the Volvo factory is because a truck driver ahead of you had an attack of Deadly Sperm Buildup. And he needed to cure himself.

Yes, the trucker decided it would be a good idea to yank out the stick shift and start pumping—all while cruising his 10 ton death machine at 100kmh. As one might expect, the man got a little distracted, and crashed his rig, blocking two lanes of traffic.

And then the story gets really weird. The driver, eyewitnesses confirm, continued to beat the bishop as rescue teams pulled him from his rig. And even as he was interrogated by police, he was still trying to blow out the brains of Charles the Bald.

Wow, that’s Sting-like staying power.

And while we sorta applaud the man’s will and determination, we have to call him out on his driving skills. Hey, Dedrick, didn’t you learn anything in truck driver school? It’s two hands on the wheel—not one hand on the wheel, and the other on the fireman.

So in the interest of safety, the next time the little swimmers commandeer your common sense, pull over at a rest stop to play Uno. Because if you pull that shit on the road, a lot more people will be screaming “Oh God.” And not in a good way.