Attention Axis of Evildoers. Today is July 4. To you, it might just be another day to persecute innocent citizens, murder infidels and generally be the douchebags of the world.

But to us Americans, July 4th is special. Today is the day we open up our history books and remind ourselves that we are the ass kickers of the globe. You might not know this, but a couple centuries ago, we went toe to toe with the biggest, baddest army in the world and beat them with what amounted to a couple of peashooters and a sling shot. We were like Chuck Freakin’ Norris bare-handing our way to victory.

And now, we’ve got Hummers and AK-47s and the USO.

So if you’re thinking of pulling any of your third-world tyrannical bullshit on us,  sucks to be you. Because we’d like nothing more than recreate July 4, 1776 and send a little laser-guided pea into your crazy pie holes.

Happy Independence Day.