You decide: food source or beverage? (Not her cans, you perverts.)

To the Union Bar in Iowa City, I think it’s time you found a new lawyer. Because when your bartenders got slapped for selling Jell-O shots to a minor, attorney George Wittgraf II (the bar owner’s husband) argued that the booze-laced slurpee was a solid food, not an alcoholic beverage.

Sucks that the judge didn’t give you any wiggle room, and now you’re in trouble with Johnny Law.

But man, would that have been friggin’ awesome if the court ruled in favor of your logic. Awesome for drunks everywhere, who would always have the legal precedence to argue that they didn’t drink too much at the wedding, they just ate too much dessert. Awesome for cocaine dealers, who could get off  the hook arguing that the stuff in the bag was a powdery plant derivative that makes you uppity, like sugar. Awesome for crackheads, who could make the case that a slab of the good stuff is a naturally occurring igneous rock, most commonly found in the ghetto.

Sucks to be a gelatin lover in a world that’s gone soft.