Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

SUCKS TO BE a guy looking for a date in China

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

china-weddingA new report reveals that as many as 24 million eligible bachelors in China may never be able to marry because of a lack of women in the country.

New stats from the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences show that in some areas of the nation, the dude-to-chick ratio was as high as 130-100.

This, of course, is terrible news for all those guys who had their hearts set on giving up their opinions, their remote controls and their nights out stuffing Yuans in the garters of Beijing’s pasty patrol.

But look on the bright side guys –  all that money you were going to spend on the dust ruffles, bathroom potpourri and apology flowers, you can now spend on porn.

Which is great news. Because you’re going to need it.

SUCKS TO BE arrested for getting married

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

wedding_fight-13069A couple in Spain was recently sent to jail for tying the knot.

We know, many of you out there consider marriage a life sentence in itself (albeit with better chow and prettier shower partners), but this isn’t the “oh my God she’s nagging me and forcing me to watch Glee ” sort of confinement.

This is real jail. With mad-at-the-world bunkies and pricky wardens.

The husband and wife, who have been identified only as 4563462 and 4787233, were arrested for breaching an order which forbade them from coming within 500 meters of each other.

The distancing decree was imposed on the love birds when they gave the marriage thing its first go-around and decided to use that time to beat the living wedding vows out of each other.

But after a year off from bickering and yelling and creating a public nuisance,  the Dueling Lovers thought they’d patch things up. And when Civil Guard officers discovered them together in their home town of Motril, Spain, they hauled ‘em off to the license plate factory.

The man was sentenced to six months; the wife, to four. And to think all they wanted was some good, loud make-up sex.

SUCKS TO BE Sal9000, Japanese dude who married Nene Anegasaki, non-existent video game character

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

On November 22,  Japanese geek extraordinaire Sal9000 became officially wedded with Nene Anegasaki, a video game babe from the Nintendo DS dating simulator Love Plus. The game enables romantically-challenged men like Sal to feel less like losers, providing them with virtual women to kiss, touch, take out on dates, perform fellatio on, marry—you know, normal relationship stuff.

Be careful not to get hurt though, Sal9000. There’s no way for you to know how many other lonely, horny Japanese men Nene has been with before you. She might just give you a nasty virus, that dirty little bitmap.

SUCKS TO BE Joshua Neufeld, the worst pre-nup negotiator of all time

Saturday, August 8th, 2009

Picture 7It is a proven scientific fact that when a man enters into marriage, he gives up two things: His opinions and his checkbook. And maybe on occasion, a couple yards of closet space. But no man has never gone as far as to give up his last name.

And then there’s Joshua.

Joshua decided that it might be a good idea to buck a million years of history, tradition and monkey evolution, and take his bride’s surname.

Sucks to be that hard-up and/or stupid, Joshua. Now, while you’re not ducking gawks and ridicule from every man in the world, you’ ve got to go through the indignity of changing your driver’s license and your business cards and your Whipped Men of England Club membership. That crap’s as fem as a Tampax in a purse.

So, knock it off, Josh. Because if you start giving our women any stupid ideas, we’re going to start calling you some name you really don’t like.

SUCKS TO BE sexless

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

dontblockAbstinence must be suck so bad, new research shows, that even the holy-rollers who take public virginity pledges until marriage can’t keep their undies on. The study also found that these self-respecting teens take fewer precautions against STDs and pregnancy than their sexed-up peers who are going straight to hell. For God’s sake, kids, wear a raincoat. Because nothing is suckier than incurable sores on your crotch.