An entire truckload of inventory from the Lover’s Lane Sex Shop in Detroit is missing.

And by missing, we mean stolen. Yes, somewhere in the Greater Detroit area there is one hell of a key party going on. Which is great news for the perp who managed to get away with the love stuff, but very sucky news for everyone else in Michigan.

What this Ron Jeremy wannabe failed to realize is that he is taking away from Detroiters the only real pleasure they have left. Unemployment is like 134%. The Lions suck. And Eminem, quite frankly, is as over the hill as The Backstreet Boys.

And now these fine people have to do it with nothing but their original equipment?

Sucks to live in a town where one guy gets all the fun.

The holidays are right around the corner, folks. Well, alright, it’s not even Halloween yet. But if you’re as sucky as we are at buying gifts, you need to start thinking now about getting the most special people in your life something special in December.

So why not spread the holiday spirit and tell your friends, family and colleagues how you really feel with your very own Sucks To Be You merch. In addition to t-shirts and bumper stickers, we have sweet mugs that assist you in pointing and laughing at other people, too.

You are totally awesome. Other people, not so much.

Your socially inept, pervy-sex-joke-telling colleague with halitosis and excessive earwax. The too cool for school indie rock poseur Starbucks barista with the stupid girly bangs who never fills your $9 coffee to the brim. The gum-smacking bitch with oversized sunglasses who insists on tailgating you, even though you’re going 88mph, while she’s yapping twice that speed on her cell phone.

Tell them how you really feel with our fine threads and swag from CafePress. Get ‘em while they’re hot right here.