And then she noticed that things were a little different. Social Security checks weren’t showing up like usual. Her husband’s pension checks suddenly stopped. And she was receiving mail addressed to “The Estate of Doris Temple.”

Weird.

“I was just waiting for that creepy kid from ‘The Sixth Sense’ to show up at my door,” noted a still breathing Doris.

And then Doris had to begin the arduous task of getting the government to make her alive again. Which, as you might imagine, isn’t easy.  Those folks have trouble routing a phone call. Reincarnation? That’s out of the question.

So for the past few months, Doris has been dealing with her own death by trying to recoup thousands in lost income, by getting her mail to start coming again and by getting the telemarketer from the tombstone company to lay the fuck off.

Sucks to be dead when you’re alive.

Um… somebody’s not getting a sticker on his helmet this week.

Congratulations on your new home, Egypt! Have you met your next door neighbor, Mahmoud Ahmadinecrazyfucker?

In the July 27 edition of Fox News’ The Live Desk, which claims to deliver “the most accurate breaking news first,” war lovers across America received a groundbreaking report: Egypt is now Iraq. Yes, while we’ve been busy re-shifting our focus to kicking some Taliban ass in Afghanistan, King Tut and company apparently went through the back door and claimed Saddam’s former kingdom from the U.S. of A.

And while it sucks to be you, Fox News, for being so immensely ignorant, myopic and careless with your fair and balanced misinformation, we at STBY think it would suck a whole lot worse to be the new Egypt.

Good luck resolving the 1,500 year-old bloodbath between the Shiites and Sunnis. If we could depart any knowledge to you from our 6-year failed attempt at peace, well, we’d simply tell you to run like an Egyptian.

The new STBY world headquarters

As we sit in STBY’s dimly-lit, lead-encased underground shelter surrounded by canned goods, we feel it’s our duty to skip our story on the man who got his balls caught in his bicycle chain, and inform you of this sucky news: We’re all going to get blown up!!!!!!

Apparently, the United States’ 266-page manifesto detailing its nuclear program was  mistakenly released to the public.  And by public we mean the crazy mad Taliban. And the dickhead suicide bombers. And all the nut jobs holed up in a shanty in Wyoming who’ve been looking for a recipe to knock off a few thousand bystanders.

Merry Christmas, guys. Your user’s guide as arrived.

Now run along to your local Kinkos, make a few hundred copies and pass it along to everyone on your friends list.

We’ll be here in our undisclosed location. Cowering.

"Dad is that Kurt Warner or Larry Fitzgerald?"

“Warner back to pass. He launches one to Fitzgerald. What a catch! To the 50…40…30…ooh harder, faster, harder faster, yeah that’s it baby….ooooh give it to me good.”

And so was the unfortunate Super Bowl play-by-play for a handful of viewers in Arizona. You see, just as their beloved Cardinals were mounting a comeback, the game was unexpectedly interrupted by some actual mounting. XXX style.

Yes, a little porn break was thrust upon them (so to speak).

The clip itself  lasted only 30 seconds. But certainly the conversations between dads and Cardinal-clad children endured considerably longer. In fact, given what the youngsters were exposed to,  the ’splainin’ may still be going on.

“Daddy, why was the lady kissing the man there? Did he have a boo boo?” “Now tell me again, daddy, why the man was moaning like he was hurt, but was actually happy.” “Is doing that with your thingy a 10 yard or a 15 yard penalty?”

In short, the pornommercial was a game stopper. A TV-turner-offer. A spend-the-rest-of-the-night-tap-dancing-around-the-questions sort of thing. Sucky for any fan of any team who’s in the Big Game. But when your team is in the championship once every half a century or so, it’s sucky to the XLIII power.

So to all the Arizona fans who witnessed a Cardinal loss and several dozen cardinal sins, it sucks to be you.