Posts Tagged ‘news’

SUCKS TO BE hard up for tuition

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

collegeIf you think it’s difficult paying for college in the states, try enrolling in New Zealand.

It’s gotten so bad, that one co-ed-to-be has  taken to Internet prostitution to pay for school. As the ‘rents always said, “If your brains can’t get you into college, use your vajayjay.”

The 19-year-old girl, who only goes by Unigirl, is auctioning off her cooter to the highest bidder. And when the bell sounded, Unigirl and her Unipie raked in a whopping $32,000.

$32,000? That’s it? Big fatsos whose only skill is putting on a helmet get more than that. And in this day and age, that romp in the hay with Mr. Oldfart isn’t going to get you much past the hazing at the Delta Pi sorority.

College is expensive. And once you get there, they guys aren’t going to shell out $32K to get inside your pants. The going rate on campus is a couple of dirty martinis and the promise to call you in the morning.

So if you want to get the full four-year college experience, put a few more ads on the Internet or take out a student loan. Either way, you’re getting screwed.

SUCKS TO BE blown up by your cigarette

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

It's funny until someone gets hurt.We all know that smoking cigarettes has its health risks. Just ask the dude standing outside the restaurant in the rain alternating drags from his Marlboros and his oxygen tank. If the cancer doesn’t get him, the pneumonia certainly will.

But in Indonesia, cigarettes don’t just kill you slowly from the inside, they go Ayman Al-Zawahiri on you.

Just ask Andi Susanto, a pack-a-day puffer, who took a drag of his menthol and experienced an explosion not seen since Kanye played celebrity judge at the VMAs.

That’s right, Susanto’s butt was spiked with tiny little bombs.

Sucks to have the Surgeon General only warn you about cancer, emphysema and birth defects.

Susanto told reporters he had never experienced any problems with his habit before. He also said that he would quit smoking after the incident.

Yeah, it’s pretty hard to put a cig between your lips when your lips are scattered all over Jakarta.

SUCKS TO BE denied a beer pipeline to your dorm

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

Picture 1Students from Sweden’s Chalmers University marched on a nearby brewery to protest the decades-long lack of progress on a beer pipeline to the student union.

Yes, apparently, gupling barley shakes by the 6-pack ain’t quite cutting it for the kids.  And who can blame them really. Trudging through 87 feet of snow in the pitch black noontime sky can really ruin your buzz. And getting Lars to make a beer run for the guys in the dorm is a bit tough when he’s upstairs banging Tiger Woods’ ex.

So a few years back, the students made an agreement with the local brewery to provide them an IV of foamy love that would never run out. But Nordic construction being what it is, the crews only completed 6.5 feet of the 62 mile pipeline so far. Yep, only 327,353.5 feet to go till it’s Beer Bong City.

Clearly, the students will have to rough it for some time with their fake IDs and plasma donations for beer money.

Unless, of course, they switch to Absolut. In Sweden, there’s always plenty of that.

SUCKS TO BE eating bird shit at work

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

Thanks to Kristen Betlejewski Klepper for the link.

SUCKS TO BE Ernie Anastos, man with some explaining to do to the FCC

Friday, September 18th, 2009

When George Carlin came down from the mountain and presented to the world the “7 Words You Can’t Say on TV,” Fox News Anchor Ernie Anastos must not have been taking notes. Because recently he dropped a huge F-Bomb on air that reverberated through the virgin ears of all New Yorkers.

His exact words were, “keep fucking that chicken.”

And now, he’s going to get fucked by the Federal Communications Commission.

You see, Ernie, the boys down at the Commish are the biggest group of prudes this side of the Abstinence for Jesus Club of Waco, Texas. So when they hear shit like “fucking chickens” on their sacred airwaves, they go insane.

Sucks to have the wrath of the FCC unleashed upon you.

So, Ernie, have fun watching the Grim Censors come to take away your life savings and your car and career.