Posts Tagged ‘Police’

SUCKS TO BE buying crack with Monopoly money

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
Drug dealers are stupid, but not this stupid.

Drug dealers are stupid, but not this stupid.

A Wichita, Kansas dope addict who was low on foo-foo dust and even lower on cash, decided to pay his dealer off in Monopoly money. You know, those little pink and yellow and blue pieces of paper that look nothing like money at all? Yeah, he tried to pass that off as legal tender.

Guess what a wad of Rich Uncle Pennybag’s cash buys you on the mean streets of Wichita? A head caving, that’s what.

The crackhead, upon issuing his payment in cute little 100’s, proceeded to get a beat down so severe it would make a Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot cringe.

Memo to druggies: dealers don’t take kindly to pretend money. Nor, are they very interested in giving you a bag of blow in exchange for a metal thimble or tiny little iron. So if you want to get all jacked up on Beemers, rob a bank or something. It’s a lot less risky.

The bloodied suspect, when discovered by police, went directly to jail. He did not pass go. He did not collect $200.

SUCKS TO BE under the protection of the Budaors police

Friday, October 16th, 2009
"I'm about to hit the jackpot, too."

"I'm about to hit the jackpot, too."

Welcome to Day 2 of Vulnerable Citizens of the World. Today, we head to Budaors, Hungary where law enforcement officers aren’t necessarily incompetent, like the Australians. They’re filthy stinking rich.

You see, earlier this week,  every member of the 15-person police force  pitched in a few hundred forints and bought some lottery tickets. And wouldn’t you know it, they won. Ten million pounds. In Hungary, that kind of cash can buy you a lifetime supply of Palinka and all the fat, mustached hookers your heart desires.

Understanding this, the officers turned in their badges as soon as the numbers were announced, leaving the frightened people of Budaors without a single crime stopper to protect them.

Sucks to be you, Budaorians. Sure you might be thinking, “Awesome…we can drive our 1975 Volkswagens as fast as we want and never get a ticket.” But it’s not going to be all fun and games. Who you gonna call when you lock your keys in that rattletrap? Who you gonna call when some masked man steals your stash of polka albums and your “I Visited Transylvania and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” t-shirt?

Right. It’s not going to be pretty, Boglarka. So, go make a slingshot or something. Because you’re gonna need a weapon. And that pot of goulash doesn’t count.

SUCKS TO BE under the protection of the Victoria police

Thursday, October 15th, 2009
"They stole my pants."

"They stole my pants."

Yo, Aussies. Grab your guns and hide in the pouch of your pet kangaroo. Because thieves and criminals and ne’er-do-wells are coming after you. And there ain’t a goddamn thing the police can do about it.

Don’t believe us? Then consider these frightening facts: in the past 2 years, there have been 47 reported cases of theft –  in the police department. Yes, that big building bulging at the seams with ammo and tasers and pepper spray has been knocked off 47 times. That’s twice a month some masked dude jonesing for a free mug shot and a fresh set of fingerprints has waltzed into HQ without one heavily-armed, fully-trained law enforcement officer noticing him.

So, understandably, the Victorian citizenry is concerned.

Our advice? Panic. And when you’re done panicking, panic some more. Because every a-hole with a rap sheet in Australia is headed your way. And they’re carrying boxes of ski masks and ransom notes and those thingies that pick locks.

It’s “all skate” for the thugs in your little part of the world, folks. So batten down the hatches. Because your police protection isn’t coming to help. They’re too busy trying to figure out who stole their lunch boxes back at the station.

SUCKS TO BE arrested 152…er… make that 153 times

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
Paul Baldwin, Upstanding Citizen.

Paul Baldwin, Upstanding Citizen.

Paul Baldwin must like handcuffs. Or orange jump suits. Or having his fingers dipped in ink. Because as of this writing he’s been arrested a whopping 153 times. For the 49-year-old boil on society’s ass,  that’s an impressive 3.122 mug shots a year.

Sucks to be that bad at police chases.

Baldwin’s rap sheet, which is longer than a fifth-grade band recital, includes stealing a $1.99 can of beer, trespassing on a railroad track, and boozing it up in public.

Not surprisingly, shortly after he was released from his latest one-year stay at the gray bar hotel, he was back in custody. This time for punching someone in the face at a supermarket.

Paul, your sense of law and order can’t suck that bad.  You can’t go around being the angry version of Otis the Drunk and expect to walk free. Because you ain’t living in Mayberry. And Barney Fife ain’t giving you the keys to the jail so you can come and go as you please. So straighten up pal, because you’re making life sucky for everyone around you.

SUCKS TO BE Dixie, the unemployed drug-sniffing dog

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009
If he had superior smelling skills like me, he'd know that I just let one go.

If he had superior smelling skills like me, he'd realize I just let one go.

Dixie the weed-smellin’, coke-sniffin’, heroin-houndin’ drug dog, it sucks to be you.

Man’s best friend and crack dealers’ worst enemy, Dixie is one of more than a dozen cuts Snohomish City, Washington officials are mulling tonight to keep its budget in the black.

Dixie costs the city about $16,000 a year, or about $7 an hour. Which isn’t dog shit compared to the average annual salary of around $45,000 for a bi-ped Snohomish officer—who for the record can’t smell anything that’s not glazed. So needless to say, she’s pretty peeved over the potential of being laid off. And what really ruffles her fur is that in just three years as a commissioned officer for Snohomish, she’s discovered countless pounds of drugs and over $25,000 in drug money.

“If I had thought they were just gonna cut me loose like this, I would’ve kept some of that smack for myself. I mean, that stuff was grade-A, primo junk,” Dixie barked over and over and over again. “I should have never trusted pigs.”

But it gets even suckier for Dixie. Because Snohomish plans to keep its other police dog, Kizar, a German shepherd who’s younger and skinnier and prettier than Dixie.

That bitch.

SUCKS TO BE rescued from your own bad singing

Thursday, February 12th, 2009
The victim. And the assailant.

The victim. And the assailant.

It was a ghastly, scary scream coming from inside the Gamla Fangelset hotel in Sweden. The sound was unmistakable. Someone was being assaulted, beaten, perhaps even murdered. So Swedish authorities jumped into action. Armed with battering rams and other assorted door-crushing devices, they broke into the room to save the damsel in distress.

But what they found being tortured wasn’t a woman, but a song. Yes, the painful howls were actually that of an Opera singer… practicing.

Ouch.

Let us be Simon Cowell blunt here. If your voice is mistaken for the cries of a slasher victim, you SUCK as a singer. You suck worse than Ashlee Simpson at the Orange Bowl. You suck worse than Milli Vanilli without the lip synching. You suck worse than your drunk uncle trying to finish off “Alde Lang Syne” at the family New Year’s Eve party.

And someone — even if it’s not the director of your Opera troupe — has got to break the news to you. So allow us the honors. Go find another job. As a librarian. As a horse whisperer. As a mime. Anything where nobody has to hear you.

Because in all honesty, if you continue your current career path, it is going to suck to be anyone in Sweden.