"They stole my pants."

Yo, Aussies. Grab your guns and hide in the pouch of your pet kangaroo. Because thieves and criminals and ne’er-do-wells are coming after you. And there ain’t a goddamn thing the police can do about it.

Don’t believe us? Then consider these frightening facts: in the past 2 years, there have been 47 reported cases of theft –  in the police department. Yes, that big building bulging at the seams with ammo and tasers and pepper spray has been knocked off 47 times. That’s twice a month some masked dude jonesing for a free mug shot and a fresh set of fingerprints has waltzed into HQ without one heavily-armed, fully-trained law enforcement officer noticing him.

So, understandably, the Victorian citizenry is concerned.

Our advice? Panic. And when you’re done panicking, panic some more. Because every a-hole with a rap sheet in Australia is headed your way. And they’re carrying boxes of ski masks and ransom notes and those thingies that pick locks.

It’s “all skate” for the thugs in your little part of the world, folks. So batten down the hatches. Because your police protection isn’t coming to help. They’re too busy trying to figure out who stole their lunch boxes back at the station.