Where the f**k is everyone?

When a trio of ski-mask-wearing, gun-wielding thieves rode up on a Joliet, Illinois grocery store, they expected to scare the living cash out of pretty much everyone waiting in the Self-Scan lines.

Their evil plan was to go in, flash some firepower, and leave with bags of greenbacks, credit cards and $1 off coupons for Tide.

But what they found was 100,000 square feet of bupkus.

Not a single person was in the store. No customers. No stock boys. Not even a clerk they could hold at gun point until she gave up her change purse and the security code to the cash register.

Instead of hauling ass to a store that actually had customers with wallets, the three stooges, Sanjuan Reyes, 22, Jose Torres, 17, and a 16-year-old boy, hung out nearby and were eventually arrested by police.

Yep, the big time armed-robbers were hauled downtown for loitering.

Sucks to commit the crime of bad timing.

Instead, what he heard, was, “DADDY!!!”

That’s right, when Raul jimmied his way through the family room window, he found his very own children sitting there. Apparently they were visiting.

A little constructive criticism, Raul. Before you rob a place, be sure to case the joint. And if you can’t take the time to do that, at least make sure your intended victim isn’t part of your car pool to soccer practice.

Raul’s kids, ages 8 and 11, identified their dad through his black ski mask, and as a result he was charged with second-degree burglary, criminal mischief, child abuse and two counts of menacing.

Said Gaucin-Valenzuela in a statement to police: “Damn…If I’d known my children knew that family, I would have just had them grab some stuff.”

Sucks to be a crook who can’t think ahead.

"They stole my pants."

Yo, Aussies. Grab your guns and hide in the pouch of your pet kangaroo. Because thieves and criminals and ne’er-do-wells are coming after you. And there ain’t a goddamn thing the police can do about it.

Don’t believe us? Then consider these frightening facts: in the past 2 years, there have been 47 reported cases of theft –  in the police department. Yes, that big building bulging at the seams with ammo and tasers and pepper spray has been knocked off 47 times. That’s twice a month some masked dude jonesing for a free mug shot and a fresh set of fingerprints has waltzed into HQ without one heavily-armed, fully-trained law enforcement officer noticing him.

So, understandably, the Victorian citizenry is concerned.

Our advice? Panic. And when you’re done panicking, panic some more. Because every a-hole with a rap sheet in Australia is headed your way. And they’re carrying boxes of ski masks and ransom notes and those thingies that pick locks.

It’s “all skate” for the thugs in your little part of the world, folks. So batten down the hatches. Because your police protection isn’t coming to help. They’re too busy trying to figure out who stole their lunch boxes back at the station.

This'll look nice in the wedding album.

Some newlyweds opt for the luxury of a penthouse suite in Tahiti. Others choose the room with the heart-shaped bed in the Poconos. And still others prefer the wonder of a cruise on the Mediterranian.

And then there’s Brian Dykes and Mindy McGhee of Jacksboro, Tennessee. They chose to spend their first week of wedded bliss in the Sevier County Gray Bar Hotel. You see, instead of heading right to the reception for the chicken cordon bleu, the open bar and sweet sounds of Willie and the Wedding Belles, they decided to rob the church that brought them together.

Yep. After they said, “I do,” they got in their rusty pick-up truck with a trailer of clanking Old Milwaukee cans, waved goodbye to well wishers and made a sharp U-turn back to the church to steal $500 from God.

Way to go, lovebirds. And to think that you have a certificate for procreation in your hands.

Upon arrival at the jail, the newlyweds were treated to the Sevier County Honeymoon package, which include a 5-star dinner of day-old meatloaf, a luxury bug-infested cot, and two wedding photos, suitable for framing.

Because while the two were rolling around in STDs and rat feces, and forever destroying their dignity, they were robbed.

Yep, they had their shit stolen. And by shit, we mean the only stuff they had that didn’t smell like shit.

It seems that two would-be thieves, recognizing their victims were preoccupied, took off with some shoes, jewelry and a wallet that was left outside their Waste Management Love Shack.

As it turns out though, their unique spin on dumpster-diving proved horribly unsuccessful, as they were caught, arrested and  charged with being the most pathetic thieves in the history of Kansas.

"If love is a crime, I'm guilty as charged."

Cupid can be a sadistic little prick sometimes. Just ask Stephon Bennett. Mr. Bennett took an arrow to the ass this past week, when he fell in love with a girl he had previously robbed.  You see, earlier that day, Bennett broke into the home of a Columbus, Ohio woman to steal her belongings. Then later, he came back to steal her heart.  However, when Bennett asked his victim to join him for a romantic night of drive-bys and drug deals, the debutante recognized him. A friend called the cops. And now, Stephon Bennett is dating some ax murderer who is waiting for him to drop the soap.

Sucks to be you, Stephon. Couldn’t find a nice girl with a rap sheet, huh? Now, you’re holed up in the pokey trying to scrape up the  $100,000 bail.

Our advice: Either ask out girls who like to be robbed or don’t rob girls you want to ask out. It’s pretty simple. If you’re not a dumbass crook.