The student union at Cambridge University’s Newnham College e-mailed the school’s 400 undergraduate students, asking them to be quieter during sexual encounters.
The student union said it sent the e-mail to all undergrads Tuesday after receiving 30 complaints about late-night “oohs” and “aahs” and “will you respect me in the mornings” in the residence halls.
“It’s just so embarrassing to think that people have been listening in. I was blushing when I got the email,” a 20-year-old student said. “You try to keep it down, but it’s easy to forget the walls are so thin if you get a bit carried away.”
Sucks to zip it up when the zippers are down.
When asked if they would abide by the ordinance for quieter rubbing of the uglies, the response was an overwhelming yes… Yes! YES! YES! YEEESSSS!!!
Oooooooooooops. Before you put funny fake phone numbers on your kids’ jog-a-thon t-shirts, you might want to actually call that number. And if a horny little ho picks up on the other end and tells you how she’s going to do things with your thing in ways you never thought of, you might want to replace that number with a cute picture of a dog, or something.
If you’re bangin’ away in steel cage full of old pizza boxes, moldy cheese and used tampons, then your life pretty much sucks. But for two Wichita, Kansas horndogs who found the stench of maggots too powerful an aphrodisiac, the odor ended up being the good part.
Cue the porn music folks, because the horn dogs at Syracuse are going to be getting it on threesome-style. Unfortunately, that third person jumping in the sack isn’t going to be some hotty from the Alpha Lambda Nympho sorority. It’s going to be some nerd from the research lab.
“I’ve got a headache.”
Chinese officials, who are taking a break from filling our houses with worthless crap and violating the human rights of every last one of their citizens, have moved on to their next important task: 
