Posts Tagged ‘Texas’

SUCKS TO BE the dumbest, most gullable kid at Shepton High School

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
"I'll eat the pig testicles if you think it'll make me cool."

"I'll eat the pig testicles if you think it'll make me cool."

There’s The Double Dare. The Double Dog Dare.  And the little known Double Pig Testicle Dare. The latter of which one 15-year-old Plano, Texas student decided to try.

The boy, whose name was not released but will forever be known as “The Nut Gnasher,” took his “friends” up on a challenge in which they offered him $50 to eat the man sack of the fetal pig they were dissecting.

Hey, we know the creamed corn the cafeteria ladies serve is crap, but still, dude…pig balls? And the worst part is (yes it gets worse) the delicacy was slathered, not in buffalo sauce, but in formaldehyde — a deadly poison that sent the Testes Taster to the emergency room.

Luckily, Ball Boy survived. But his reputation is still on life support. Because let’s face it, the Shepton High School class isn’t going to let him forget his adventure in eating. And no girl with any desire to wear a prom dress is going to kiss a guy who kissed pig balls. Ever.

Lesson learned: don’t eat your science experiment. Ever.

SUCKS TO BE living in a country that you hate

Thursday, May 28th, 2009
We'll take it down when we damn well please

We'll take it down when we damn well please

When Debbie McLucas hung her American flag in her cubicle at the Kindred Hospital in Mansfield, Texas, she never figured she’d be forced to take it down because a co-worker found it offensive. But that’s exactly what happened.

Sucks to be Debbie. But it sucks even worse for the complaining party- – a native of Africa who has been living in the US of A for the past 14 years. Because he is clearly trapped in a country he abhors.

Hey, Mokembe, we’re sorry if our clean water and malaria-free mosquitoes offended you.  We’re sorry you had to live in the squalor of an air-conditioned apartment with a pool, laundry facility and a mini gym. We’re sorry you were put off by our free education and right to say whatever the you want.

If you weren’t aware, America offers you a lot of freedoms. One of which is the freedom to get the fuck out.

So by all means, take the next rickshaw out to sea,  so Debbie can put her flag back up.

SUCKS TO BE Robert Powell, stupidest, most insensitive policeman of the year

Saturday, March 28th, 2009

Someone needs to tell Officer Robert Powell of the Plano, Texas Police Department the rules of pulling over star professional athletes.

1) You don’t, unless you see the cocaine actually spilling out of the moving Escalade.

2) If  you do pull them over you say, “Wow, I’m a big fan of yours!” and you apologize for thinking the swerving had anything to do with drugs, alcohol or frisky hookers.

3) If the athlete’s relative is dying in the hospital and has only minutes to live, and the said athlete is running red lights to see that relative, you don’t hold them up with a bunch of bullshit bravo and abuse of power.

Officer Powell broke Rule #3. Big time. He pulled over Dallas Cowboys running back Ryan Moats for failing to come to a complete stop at a red light. When Moats, who didn’t stop until he got to the hospital, told Officer Powell why he had broken that one traffic law, Powell got all NYPD Blue on him.

“My mother in law is dying!” Moats pleaded.

“That doesn’t matter,” Officer Powell replied.

He also went on to tell Moats, “I can screw you over” and “Right now your attitude sucks.”

And then, get this, he pulled a gun on him. For a traffic violation.

Well, isn’t that just officerly of you, Bob.

As Moats predicted, his mother-in-law did, in fact, die while he was looking for his title and registration.

And now comes the fun part for Officer Powell: the suspension, the relentless bad press and the impending multi-gazillion-dollar lawsuit from the Moats family.

Sucks to be you, Officer Powell. You jerk.

SUCKS TO BE the Texas justice system with an accurate DNA sample

Monday, February 9th, 2009
The innocent Timothy Cole. RIP.

The innocent Timothy Cole. RIP.

Nice goin’ Texas prosecutors and judges. You got your man, you got your rapist. You got Timothy Cole. And you threw the creep behind bars until he drew his last breath.

Sure, he was vehemently proclaiming his innocence for the 14 years he spent under lock and key. But they all do, right? So you just plug your ears and ignore it.

Except—and here’s the sucky part for you—Mr. Cole was telling the truth. And now there is a DNA test to prove it. Which is something you can’t ignore.

We here at STBY hope your conscience is a little heavy tonight. We hope the horror and the sorrow and the bitterness that you unnecessarily caused a man and is family is transferred to you for just a little while. And if the family decides to sue you for everything you’re worth—including your cool badge and judges gavel—that’s OK with us. Because when you do something really criminal, like take away a man’s life, the justice system can sometimes get it right. And that sucks for you.