Teachers' aides

“Gin + Tonic  =  Gin and tonic.”

“2 x 2 = upside down Margarita.”

“4 divided by… oh man, I gotta take a piss.”

And so was the lesson plan for the 4th grade students at Roosevelt Elementary West Side School in St. Paul, Minn.—a class that was being taught by none other than Foster Brooks.

Or so it seemed. You see, this week, a substitute teacher (who either didn’t want his name revealed or couldn’t remember it), showed up for work with a bottle of vodka and a blood alcohol level of .18.

In other words, he was tanked. Hey, we know that it sucks to be a substitute teacher. A room full of disrespecting rugrats can be a bit overwhelming. And we completely get that, given your sucky situation, you might need something to take the edge off. But a 5th of hooch? C’mon.

Forget what you’re doing to yourself (fired from a job you didn’t even have, huge hangover, lifetime banishment from the teacher’s lounge), think about what you’re doing to the kids.

These impressionable young children are still trying to understand simple fractions, and you’re trying to force the complexities of making a White Russian on them? They’re still learning to skip rope and play 4-Square; they can’t possibly have the motor skills to get through a game of Thumper and Quarters. They can barely finish their carton of chocolate milk. So a beer bong will be difficult at best.

Mr. Vodka Gimlet, we know your heart is in the right place. We know that you want your children to be advanced. But let’s not rush them. Let’s not set them up for failure. Let’s let them be kids who get a buzz the old fashioned way—by spinning around at break-neck speed on their swings.